Totally Confused!!

[Loopy2]

Hi.  My Partner has twice started a conversation with me (when he’s drunk) asking me if I have gone off him saying that I have haven’t been near him for years.  He said he is the one that puts in everything in to the relationship and is getting nothing back.

I can NEVER talk to him when he’s had a drink because it will end up in a huge arguement so I said I would talk to him when he was sober.  That wasn’t good enough so he kept on and on.  I gave a few home truths about him not doing anything for the family and that I was doing it all and that with my disabilities it was causing me so much more pain.  Here comes the shocked look, like I am completely full of lies.  He forgets that he can tell other people this and they feel sorry him but I know the truth.  He does nothing apart from school runs and cook dinner because I can’t and boy does he let me know that he has to do it.

Then comes the ‘I won’t go through another breakup again’. I’ve had the suicide threats before.  He knows it works.  He wants the truth as to whether our relationship is over but knows I can’t give him that answer with that over my head.

Since the ‘talk’ he is bombarding me with sex talk.  Always, can we go upstairs, texting me message about it, hinting at it etc.  The thought of it makes me cringe.  This man has made my life miserable for years.

I know what I should have done is literally blurted everything out when he asked and hopefully got him to leave but I froze and was scared because he’d been drinking.  Why am I not strong enough?  I was determined to leave him this year.  It’s now nearly February and I’m wondering if I’ll be typing a message like this the same time next year?

How do you build up the courage and just do it?  There are so many things that scare me about being alone with my children but I do believe that we would be better off on our own.  The eggshells we walk are daily rather than occasional.

I don’t know what I’m expecting from this but it feels good to write it down.

Thank you.

[BellaBella]

Hi Loopy2,

I remember many years of ‘I’m not doing another year of this!’ and then I did until something in me snapped, it wasn’t the worst thing that had been said or done to me by far but it was enough.

Looking back now, it’s not that long ago, but long enough for me to be more self aware, I realised that I was at my weakest point ever but had to find a way to be the strongest I’d ever been. What made the biggest difference was speaking up to the right people and by that I mean professionals. By pure accident (had to be fate!) I ended up blurting to a DV specialist who looked after me until I had a DA support worker of my own, my IDVA was great in the interim too. Then there was a particular police officer, DA trained and so on. Before long there was a small army of people helping me to learn to be strong, without them I would not be here.

My circumstances were severe but I don’t think that makes a difference, any abuse is abuse and it does something to us that keeps us going round in circles like a hampster, trying to make sense of things and sort ourselves out, I believe that is part of what keeps us trapped.

There is a lot of support out there and you can reach out while still in the relationship to help you find your way out. Speaking to a professional who is also someone who doesn’t know you can really help you see things from an outsiders point of view. I found self referral to a councellor (it was free through the NHS) was a huge help too. Those posters we see on the back of public loo doors or leaflets in shops etc are real and there are real people waiting to help you.

If you were advising a good friend, someone you really care about on what you’ve written, what would you say?

It’s also good to write things down if it’s safe to do so, there is so much coming back to me now that I’d forgotten, I think it was a way of protecting my brain, so to make a note has helped me see a pattern to the abuse and prevented me from continuing to minimise really bad stuff that had become normal life to me.

It does take a lot of personal courage to make the break, it certainly took me a lot of years and many more than 7 times but it can be done 🙂 there are lots of us out there at different stages with different stories but the common theme is that abuse is not acceptable in any form and you are worth so much more than feeling like this.

Getting out and staying our is really hard work but I promise you once you are there and moving forward you will start to feel so much better and with the right support, you’re not alone!

I hope that helps and take good care 🙂

[Loopy2]

Thank you so much.  This was really helpful and positive to read.  I think I doubt it’s abuse sometimes which puts me off asking for help.  When things happen, I know I need out but then I question whether it’s just me being silly or over-reacting.  It’s such an awful life to live.  You question yourself every day and I hate it.

I hope I can be as brave as you soon.  You really have given me some light so I really thank you.

 

[BellaBella]

You are more than welcome 🙂

Feeling like you have over reacted is part and parcel of what happens to us during abuse, we search for a way to make it OK, it just isnt! Even now some time has passed I have to check myself from thinking was I to blame, if I’d just done or said what he wanted and my god, the things I have covered up for him over the years made me my own worst enemy in the end!

I learned to minimise some really serious abuse over a prolongued period of time, it made it easier to cope with day to day life. It took my daughter to call me out on that in front of the police to realise that I was actually protecting my abuser, it’s what I had been trained by him to do!

If it helps, I too have a disability that I was born with, I have constant pain and limited mobility but I’ll let you into a secret, when we have challenges such as this that we have to live with daily, if we look at ourselves hard enough it makes us far stronger, not weaker! We’ve managed to have children, run a home, find different ways to do normal day to day tasks that should be easy but are really hard for us. We are stronger than we know so channel some of that strength into helping you to find your inner ‘warrior woman’.

One thing that kept me going after I made the permanent break was the need to put right the awful impact that the abuser had, had on my daughter, I needed her to see that it was wrong and that her Mum had become someone to be proud of. I had convinced myself that I’d protected her from what was happening to me/us and I couldn’t have been more wrong.

There will be a right time for you to make the break and for it to be permanent and as Cat24 said too, there is lots of help out there, I could not have done it alone and you don’t have to. It’s not plain sailing, it’s actually really, really hard. Even after conviction and reastraining orders the abuse continues for me, just in different ways, I get upset, frustrated and sometimes so angry at the injustice of it all, but not for one moment do I wish I’d not made the break.

You do not have to accept feeling like you do and live with it, you deserve to have peace in your life first, regain your dignity and then work towards finding what being happy looks like for you.

Take good care 🙂

[Cat24]

I’m so sorry you have endured all this . How I took the first steps to leaving was looking at finances etc and getting all my ducks in a row so knew what was what.

It’s hard at first to take the leap but nothing is as hard as enduring the rubbish I had. When it settles you realise you made the best decision. And the freedom feels amazing. Yeh you do get your bad weeks or days but it starts to reduce and I think a lot of bad days was me getting used to the peace and annoyed at myself that I hadn’t done it sooner . Christmases , birthdays etc are now just joy . There’s no issues and that is what drove me forward seeing happy faces all round.

Family centres,  DA centres and outreach services , GP etc are all there to help if you reach out .

Good luck and I wish you all well

 

[Loopy2]

Thank you so much for your reply.  I keep imagining myself after I leave with the kids and some days it looks like bliss, all peaceful and lovely.  Other times, it’s me in one big panick about how I’ll cope with things beings disabled and being limited on what I can and can’t do.  I think that’s what he’s counting on.  I’ll get there.

Thank you again for your reply.  It’s so nice knowing that real people get out and are enjoying life again.

[minimeerkat]

an abusive partner will normally encourage you to become dependent upon them so when we have our physical limitations it does become just that bit more challenging to break free from any control – but it can be done.  i think its when we reach a point when the fear of our mental health deteriorating is stronger than the fear of coping on our own x

[Loopy2]

You guys are all amazing.  I feel so empowered and strong when I read your messages.  I feel like I can do anything.  Then, half an hour later, I start with the usual….I’m pathetic, weak, I’ll never do it.

I am so determined I will do it now though.  I have started saving a little bit of money.  Not much, but a little.  He always has my bank card so it’s just bits of cash from Christmas and birthdays and things like that but it’s money that he can’t get his hands on.  I’m looking in to ways of how I ‘can’ do things rather things that I ‘can’t’ do.  I haven’t driven my car for over 3 years and I am determined to get back in it and drive.  He just took over the driving and convinced me I shouldn’t.  I am petrified but it will give me a lot more control over my life.  I’ll be able to do school runs which is one of the things I worry about being on my own.  I do worry about driving with my medical conditions but none of them warrant me not being allowed to drive.  It’s actually my car, down as my mobility car but I don’t drive it 🙂

Anyway……thank you reading my waffle.  I guess I’m thinking aloud.

 

You are amazing, supporting ladies and I wish you all well.

Thank you so much.

[Author]

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