Toxic co parenting

[Mamma Mio]

It has been over a year since I’ve contacted this forum but this past few weeks I’m at a loss.

My ex has been in a relationship so in this time it has been great he hasn’t been less pushy or manipulative within his messages.

He now is not in a relationship and the guilt tripping manipulative messages have started again. It bothers me so much when he bring my child into messages and claims that we will mess the child up in the future by not being together. He claims that she is already feeling the stress of us not together when she’s a happy baby.

He never really has the baby for more than 3 hours alone and his parents have the baby more than him. He makes excuses why he can’t have the baby and blames me for not seeing the baby despite being times he could have saw the baby and not made her a priority. When I have brought this up to him in a neutral way he proceeds to become act like he’s the one who has gotten the short straw.

He pays not money towards her- which I don’t ask for because I do not want him to hold this over me. Now he’s messaged me again with a big paragraph how we should be together and how the baby will need to decide which partner to go to when that’s not the case. Despite everything he sees her when he wants and I do not stop that.

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells so I don’t kick him off but when I put boundaries in place he kicks off at me and tells me to speak to him in these manners and then proceeds to belittle me I front of the baby. And claims I’m making it difficult for him if I’ve asked him to call at a specific time to help mine and hers routine.

Just don’t know the best way around this as one minute I want to set the record straight but other times I just want to protect my peace but it still does not stop him from controlling me through my child.

[StrongLife]

Sorry to hear this.
It can be difficult raising a baby and I imagine this makes it more difficult.

The ex was only seeing kids one day a week, wanted it all on his terms and then would not turn up from time to time. I gave that path a shot for (detail removed by Moderator) yrs. then gave up thinking all I am getting is abuse from a distance now and not living a life.

I ended up not contacting him and relocating. It was a very dangerous time.

I now have no contact and he does not email. Any contact with him converts me to hearing lies and garbage toxic abusive messages so I put a stop to that. I got help for this from countless Specialists.

[older lady]

That’s been me too. Abuse from a distance and not living a life. I put up with it. So much damage to my mental health. The fear and risk in getting completely away was always there. I thought I had to tolerate it for my child. The lesser of two evils. I love that you got away and are safe. I wish I had early on, when I might have, but was afraid what being homeless would do to me with two young children. Would he have found me? Would the courts have helped him carry on? Now my children are grown and shielded from it as much as I could, but I’m a mess. I still hear him shouting down my ear. He charges at me wanting to hurt me in my dreams.
It’s so hard to give someone any suggestions because of the consequences of it not working out. You’re so right about the specialist help.
Take care x

[Mamma Mio]

Thank you for your response. Well done for getting away!

It is hard and as he does pick and chose when to see the baby and there is times he has let her down and uses the excuse that he is constantly working.

This however is not entirely true as there are times he has not been in work and chosen not to have her. However, when it comes to him picking arguments with me I’m to blame for him not seeing the baby..

I literally let a lot of things he does slide as if I do make a point or set a boundary it always ends up in him just blowing up and the insults start.

[Bananaboat]

Hello like you mine only has his child one day a week, max of 3-4 hours, is unreliable and lies saying he’s working, pays maintenance when he feels like it, all the usual. Whilst sending messages that he misses the child, loves them so much etc etc. If this was true you’d see them and make sure they were paid for.

I’ve found it easier not to rely on him. Not to chase him up when/if he’s having our child, I try not to tell our child they are due to be picked up as it obviously hurts them when they’re not. I keep messages very short, very direct & to point, never asking how he is. Don’t respond if they (ex I mean not the child) show emotions, they are looking for a fight. It’s hard and incredibly frustrating & sad but you’ll never get a decent parent from an abuser. My older child has a similar dad, and in their teen years has decided his loss, you know where I am.

[older lady]

Hi,
What you’re describing is definitely a pattern of behaviour I can recognise from my own experience.
Have you read, ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven? It’s a book all about him. Chapter 4 in my book is ‘The Badfather’.
If you havent, I recommend it. Knowing what this pattern is, seeing it in him, explains why he’s so angry about boundaries, and your request for reasonable behaviour; it doesn’t give him the control he wants over what he thinks of as ‘his’ to use and abuse as he chooses.
Your expectations of consistency, stability, security are completely reasonable, and come from a consensus of opinion held more widely in society as being necessary needs of a child.
Take a look at all the ways ‘the badfather’ uses their child to control the mother; it brings clarity to his manipulative behaviour. Chapter 5 outlines what a child needs, and hopefully you can see some possible outcomes. I’ve been away from sources of support for a long time, but I’m sure Women’s Aid can signpost you to specialist advice.

[Mamma Mio]

Thank you for all your advice, I understand completely and it is frustrating wanting someone to just focus on being a parent rather than making it about them.

I now have a house within the same area and more close to family and even now I’m still scared to tell him I have moved because I know it’ll lead to a self entitled argument with him.

And thank you older lady I will definitely look into this book!

I do not get involved with his personal life so I see no reason for him to be involved in mine especially when it does not affect my child

[StrongLife]

Please consider the consequences as well of toxic co parenting on the children.

Please also consider there is no guarantees you will see your children again if he takes them. I’ve heard of many circumstances where they don’t return with the children. Please consider these factors when dealing with toxic co parent.

[Shura]

i agree, my ex has threatened to take her and not bring her back, also keeps her passport, and im the abuser he says

[Shura]

because of his gambling addiction also has aksed money for her return which unfortunately i have no proof of as he asked for it on the phone so i never bring it up as not sure who would believe such thing

[Shura]

Well done for getting out 🙂 my ex had similar approach, hed show me his bottom walking away, whilst spending time with our child hed text me asking if he looks okay . i was shocked to come to know that he had a girlfriend at the time , he would say how good i look but at the same time hed ask why im buying new clothes. pick ups and drop offs used to be a nightmare, i was dreading to see him even for a minute. manipulations with my values of family, hed always say that its best for our child is for us to be together. but i couldnt do it any longer, i had to go no contact for my own sanity, not even for our child, there was a point i just said no, we are not going to continue this forever.

[Mamma Mio]

That’s awful this is what I experience in sense of him always making out that my child is upset and not thriving in a ‘broken family’ and tries to guilt trip me that she’s constantly looking for me when she’s with him which half the time she will be made up playing with her other cousins or being with him.

It’s literally just a big guilt trip and feeling sorry for himself. He always video calls her but I personally think it’s to spy on me and not to actually speak to her and again another form of control but I don’t set boundaries on this as I just want an easier life and if I try to put the boundaries in he turns into a Jekyll and Hyde

[cakepops]

Have you read about ‘grey rock’ and ‘yellow rock’ communication methods? These have been hugely helpful for me.

Have a google, but effectively its about ignoring irrelevant comments, being child focused and emotionless. It does help to reduce the issues when they realise you aren’t getting drawn in.

[Shura]

grey rocking only got my toe broken, it made it worse, as i showed no emotion he just stepped on my foot with all the power he had, before that he said to my child look at her, no emotions on her face, she is a monster. ill always remember that day, since then i just kept him completely out, no communication with him. there is no need, if he wants to know something about the school or any other info, he, as a parent has the right to go to school for example and talk to her teachers or ring her GP etc. needless to say it has never happened as his not actually interested, shes his link to me and if theres no me he is not bothered to to extent where he didnt even send a birthday card this year, i dont agree with co-parenting with such people although the law says she has the right to have both parents in her life, no one actually thinks of the children. it does not benefit them in the long run in any way. I know many women will say its not right and will agree.
No woman should be dealing with abusers even for the children.

[Hereforhelp]

You are right in thinking the video calls are to spy on you… my ex tried this so I stopped the video calls to my children as it wasn’t to see/speak to them at all, it was to spy on me…
I found it impossible to co parent with my abusive husband and now are zero contact.. he does still try to contact me via other means.. I ignore and now report every incident with the police. That can sound scary or ‘too much’ but it gives the police (I also have a good GP which I am grateful for and let her know what he is doing to affect myself/children).
With Christmas coming up he will use this to put more pressure on you.. thi k of the children mine would say! Pah, he never thought of our children. I was doing everything anyhow so when we finally split I just carried on doing what I had always done… everything! My ex husband is a high earning business man, I use foodbanks now and am grateful 🙏 life in better nit walking on eggshells it really is ❤️ keep pushing forward and listen to your gut not his words, you are a good mum, you have got this x
Sending strength and hugs
HfH

[StrongLife]

I had ex making huge threats of which he finally carried out after ignoring children to be toxic to me. His last txt was abusive and I ignored it – after so much toxic behaviour I found a way not to speak to him – this took a long time.

[Mamma Mio]

Thank you all for your responses, you have all been a great help and it’s bittersweet to know I’m not alone in this.

The video calls are still ongoing as I just do not want to rock the boat but I have made them less frequent and more child focused to the point where the call will last a mere minute.

I commend everyone of you women who are fighting your own battle with an abusive partner/ ex. But to know where not alone in this fight just makes it worth while to carry on standing up and making more boundaries in order to get that peaceful and happy life I deserve

[Author]

Posts