Tried to tell a friend now I feel more isolated

[Fay of the North]

I tried to confide in a friend and I was just pushed away being told she doesn’t want to be involved in drama. 😢 Now I feel more isolated than before.

It is true I haven’t been a good friend. My partner has made many arguments with me after seeing friends and I became reluctant in seeing them because often it cost me having to endure my partner’s rages.

I was hoping she would understand. Naturally if someone says they don’t want to hear it I will respect. But nevertheless it’s upsetting as it took me a lot of guts to try and talk.

Please share with me some of your more positive experiences, I need to regain some trust here.

[Reallyconfused]

Hi Fayeofthenorth some people don’t want to listen , for whatever reason. They get frightened themselves, sometimes mistakenly thinking that our partners may blame them. Sometimes people have so much stress in their own life they don’t know how to handle anyone else’s problems. Sometimes friends can be in denial about their own relationships and this can be too painful.
My partner too, isolated me from family and friends. He would phone me incessantly swearing at me and shouting on the phone. I would leave immediately for a fear of the rages – but they would happen anyway.
Please don’t give up on other friends. There are so many people who will listen, with mental health and domestic abuse on the agenda, more people have an awareness of these issues.
Take care of yourself.

[Strongenough]

Hi Fay of the North,

Sorry to hear you had a bad experience. Unfortunately some people are still a bit uneducated when it comes to DV and they don’t know how to handle a disclosure. Although most of my friends were supportive, some did say some (unintentionally), upsetting things to me.

You are surrounded here by people who understand and it’s here I’ve drawn a lot of support from, especially when I feel my friends around me just can’t understand what I’m going through.

I try to think back to my younger self before the abusive relationship. I too was blissfully ignorant to DV and the impact it has. Some people are lucky enough never to have experienced it so they just can’t understand. They don’t intend to be mean. Keep posting and reaching out for support.

[beachhut]

I am sure your friend did not intend to upset you, but unless you have been through DA most people do not want to know what has been going on especially when it is a friend that has been involved, we are so good at covering up what is happening behind closed door, friends can feel that they have let you down by not seeing how you have suffered. I have had very inappropriate comments from fiends, ‘That would not have happened to me’ others offered practical help but did not want to know what had happened, and another who admitted she has been through the same thing, which I never knew a thing about. We react to things in different ways and perhaps your friend could just not handle what you were going to tell her. You are amongst friends here who do understand, you are not alone.

[Footballfan1]

Hi Fay of the North,

It’s tricky but try to keep going with telling people you think you can trust.

Like others have said, it can often be that they find it difficult themselves to talk about.
One of my friends cried and said what an awful friend she was, for not realising anything was wrong.

The turning point for me came quite soon after the relationship ended.
I had tried explaining it to people, but wasn’t finding the right words.

My solicitor sent me my statement to approve.
The abuse was there, in black and white, spanning years.

Without thinking of the consequences, I quickly sent that statement to certain women.
My mum, sister, a couple of friends and a couple of work colleagues.

They didn’t always know what to say to help, but they all said they couldn’t believe I had kept it to myself all those years.
I’m not saying this way would work for everyone, but maybe a letter would help?
Write it down, and give it to someone close to you.

You can spend time getting your thoughts and feelings onto that piece of paper xx

[tiredofitall]

Hi, I didn’t tell anyone anything for many many years and had just one friend that I confided some things with but never the full extent because I was scared of being judged (including judging myself once I said these things out loud). One of my good friends just doesn’t get it and wants to skip onto less deep things. Others have surprised me with their willingness to listen. So don’t be disheartened by this one friend. For all the reasons people have already said, some people just can’t deal with us.
The only place I feel completely safe and understood is on this site – no-one else knows what it’s like unless you’ve been through it.

[gettingtired]

You haven’t been a bad friend at all if the reason you didn’t see your friends much was because of him stopping you. I know how difficult they make it to the point that you end up just avoiding friends to make life easier. This is something I feel guilty about as I didn’t see some friends for years but I have to remind myself it was because of his jealousy and control.
Please try not to let your friend’s reaction get you down. Sadly some people will just never understand. You can always reach out here on the forum and know that we will all understand xx

[Marmalade]

You will get different reactions because people can’t or won’t understand. You will find it makes some people uneasy and they won’t want to engage.
I found a range of reactions. A couple of friends were brilliant and very supportive. Some friends listened initially but if I ever mentioned it again, got the sort of “haven’t you got over that” impatience. That’s lack of understanding as it takes much longer to get over abusive relationships.
Some people won’t want to know and will change the subject.
The more difficult ones are the victim blamers. The ones who say I would never let that happen to me. How could you let that happen. I have distanced myself from people with this attitude. I didn’t find it helpful to be criticised
There will also be people who refuse to believe you as they can’t believe you would have stayed or can’t believe the behaviour. I found those people hard to deal with.
I basically found most people dont get it and it’s far more helpful to speak to people who understand due to personal experience.

[StrongLife]

Hi there,

Some just don’t want to hear it. I don’t talk much though have been recently.

Isolation and scarring away friends /family is a typical thing they do – it’s not uncommon.

Have you thought about in person therapy? It’s free at times.

[Mellow]

As a lot of said some people don’t want to get involved and it’s even worse when you stay with the person in question. Mine got fed up of me talking about it.and it is the loneliest place ever when you need to talk and no one wants to listen I had a friend I called and she purposely changed the subject and you could tell by her aurora that she did not want to speak about it everytime I called she always made excuses to end the call I know how you feel it’s the loneliest time especially when you want to break up.sending strength

[Fay of the North]

I reached out and you ladies delivered. ❤️

Thank you very much to everyone that answered, for your kind words and sharing experiences.

It’s difficult when you try to get back up on your feet and speak up to then be pushed away. But there is strength in these attempts anyway.

[StrongLife]

I had neighbours at time not wanting to get involved, friend sending be back to him and having no where to turn with two kids – most helpful was strangers giving me helpline. This has changed now as they are openly advertising this number now – that will be of help.

Neighbours finally told me to leave . I agreed. He kept coming back again and again to my door. Threats galore, wanting to come in Etc. It was only a matter of time. The threats got greater after I left – bringing more men to house as backup. I had fled the house to avoid physical harm.

[Author]

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