Triggers

[Dragonfly]

I’ve just had to take a day’s holiday from work. My son is a teenager and refuses to move in the morning. Today he wouldn’t get up. I’d had enough, I went into his room and pulled the covers off him and pushed him towards the shower. He turned around and accidentally whacked me in the face. I froze then slammed the bathroom door shut.

I went into my room and started sobbing and shaking. He got out the shower and came through and shouted at me. Why are you saying I’m punching you in the face!!! I didn’t say that, I froze.

Then I go to get him money for his lunch, I keep that money in a little pot on my dressing table. Only to find he’s raided it and there’s no money for his lunch.

The point is this really has knocked me for six. He showed no regret, didn’t say sorry and appeared to have no clue why I was crying. (I couldn’t hide my tears). I acknowledged that he didn’t mean to hit me but it was his attitude afterwards. I know he’s at that horrible age but I feel like he just couldn’t give a toss about me.

This is the only place I have to vent at the moment. It really triggered me and brought up all the bad things again.

[Dragonfly]

I think I need to have a serious talk with him. He hates the fact I’ve been abused and the fact those two men got away with it. He doesn’t want to hear about it. I don’t know how to explain how things make me feel or react. He doesn’t understand what it’s done to me. It upsets him. Probably because I can’t explain it. He’s (detail removed by moderator) If I could find a way to explain. I don’t know how. And why the hell should he have to listen anyway. Nobody should.

[KIP.]

I went through similar with my son. It’s not because he’s at a horrible age. I have nieces and nephews who would never have treated their mums the way my son treated me. It was behaviour just like his father. Minimising, blaming, refusing to be accountable, no empathy at all. Don’t make excuses for him. His behaviour is unacceptable and the fact he knows you’ve been abused should make him more empathetic. You’re going to need help with this. Try ringing the helpline on here. NSPCC have a helpline too. I don’t know if he will change. My son doesn’t seem to have. He still feels entitled. Luckily my ex paid for him to move into a flat at a young age just to spite me, however it was the best thing he could have done and it backfired spectacularly. Maybe another male role model could have a word with him because I doubt you will get through to him. Whether an accidental hit or not he should be apologising. Stealing money. My son refused to pay me house keeping. More entitled behaviour which caused arguments too. It’s the worst twist in this awful game of abuse. The final injury to us when our children take after their fathers. Hang in there and protect your mental health. I had to build a huge barrier and take a step back. It’s not your fault and you don’t deserve this treatment x

[lover of no contact]

I agree with KIP that we can’t accept unacceptable behaviour but I can relate to your experience with my teen children who were reared in a home where their dad carried out daily unacceptable behaviour.

Often (in the dynamic between me and them) one thing lead to another and situations got out of hand. My teenagers would lash out and seem unaffected by my distress. But all was not lost, they actually are not like their dad as I so feared, so many times.

I found it best to let them know their behaviour was unacceptable in a quiet moment after and I used to say to my daughter that she wouldn’t speak/treat her friends/teachers like she treated me. I then had to let go of her response. Most times her response wouldn’t be what I wanted (she would get defensive) but I had done my part in confronting her unacceptable behaviour. The rest was up to her, if she chose to behave like her dad in her choices of how she conducts herself, then that was up to her. Luckily, although their behaviour has been at times ‘off the wall’, they do have a conscience (which their dad does not).

And those daughters who are past their teens now, have regulated their behaviour mostly, and I hope learnt from me telling them in the quiet moments after, that their behaviour was unacceptable. They are far from perfect and can still revert to disrespect towards me (usually after being under the influence of their abuser dad) and I still have to post on here to ‘pull them up on it’.

Might I add that in regards getting your son up for school in the mornings to let the school take over that responsibility. You could take a step back. Focus on getting just you out the door to work, leave him in the bed (soooo hard to do), let the school nag him about not attending. He has to learn to take responsibility for getting himself out of the bed and if he doesn’t it will be a learning experience for him to take the consequences. Let him learn from his choices and mistakes (I heard this recently in a school talk on teenagers for parents).

If he takes the money you have allocated for his lunch then he has no lunch money. Easier said than done I know.

You are doing a great job. So hard parenting the teenagers when there are so many negative influences around.

[Copperflame]

Everything KIP says describes my son too. He identified with his abusive father and he too has perpetrated abuse in his relationships with women. The only difference is that his father was emotionally abusive and never hit me, while my son has hit his girlfriends.

My son has been abusive and threatening to me too, although he does back down and say sorry when I tell him his behaviour is unacceptable.

The sad thing is they absorb these disrespectful, superior and entitled attitudes from primary male role models from a very young age. Sadder still is that when my son’s girlfriends finish with him, he feels devastated and yet he can’t accept that they leave him because he abuses them.

But you’ve had some sound advice from the other ladies. I know it’s hard but sometimes you have to let him experience the consequences of his bad behaviour. He needs to learn that money doesn’t grow on trees and if he steals the money you’ve put aside for his lunch then he goes hungry, simple as that.

Hopefully his school can provide him with some healthy role models in the form of male teachers, who can model respect, consideration and empathy towards other human beings. He is still at an impressionable age and if he can learn that there are alternative and more respectful ways to treat people, he may be able to make some constructive changes.

It’s hard I know.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

Sending u massivve hug, ive been through this stage too, its horrible, its not their age, its the behaviour they have learnt from their dad, our ex’s. U need sup[port around you and he has to be told the behaviour is wrong. I had to tell my son constantly over two years, his got better but still has bad days , i repeat the same message to him constantly, how i do not approve of violence and we use our mouth to talk politely , not get physcial or use imitatding behaviour. My son hates that line that he is being threating from his actions but i repeat and repeat that it is wrong and he need sto watch how he behaves. He has improved but has a lot of learnt behaviour from seeing how his dad treated me, it really is normal for them even though they know is wrong. That is why it has to be pointed out. I have tried several different techniques. We have good periods and bad periods , but it is addressed and we listen to each another views when we are all calm, we sit down and discuss why and who got upset and how could of been dealt differently.

They do find it hard to hear the abuse, we have to be careful with our choice of words and be aware that we were all victims , even if they had to watch and listen, that is very hard, and does traumtise them too. I point out to both my sons who are pass the teenager age how to behave in relationship, what is acceptable n*d what is unacceptable, i talk about respect, trust , and boundaries , talk about not forcing sexual pressure on to girls etc.

It does hurt when they are not remorseful and dont get why we are upset, this is all part of the healing process for all of u. and a testing game Your son has to see u sticking up for yourself and will push your boundaries. I explain to my son that his behaviour has a impact on me and my work and if i cant work i cant support us, they need to see a consquence. I have been through all this when they steal your money, they have to be given a consquence. I used to say u have to eat what ever is in the fridge freezer now, and if there is nothing then we all starve till next payment comes in. I have had my son burn all the food on purpose , eat it all ,, just to test me , these kids really do test u to max, thats why support is so important around u, post on here as much as u need to

[Dragonfly]

Thank you all for your replies and sharing your experiences. I know you’re right. Yesterday continued to be awful. He went out and I get a phone call around (detail removed by Moderator) saying can you pick me up from (a very dodgy area) I don’t want to walk home on my own! I don’t own a car so had to get a taxi. I was obviously furious. He was very apologetic, and I took his friend home too. He didn’t see the danger!

Yesterday I was online looking for help. I was on relate website. Got a few good tips from there. I always write things down when I’ve got a problem. I’m going to speak to him properly today. I talk to him a lot but he’s not listening. I can’t speak to his dad. The rules and boundaries start (again) today. Once and for all. I hate to say this but I feel I need a man to speak to him. If it doesn’t work with me then I think I’ll ask my brother or one of my adult nephews to step in.

I’ve spoken to the school before asking they help me which they did (him being late, making me late for work etc). School were brilliant.

It feels like a continual battle at the moment. also going through a divorce with the greediest man on the planet, trying to ruin me financially.

I’ll also consider the helpline and NSPCC.

Thank you x

[Author]

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