Trying self love but really not working

[Yellowflower]

I can’t describe it but I just feel so c****y about myself. I look in the mirror and I look worn out I look exhausted I look old. I’ve tried to pamper myself after advice from people on here but I think I just look ugly. Who would ever want me? The mess I’ve become after all this abuse. I don’t see why anyone would ever want this. I think maybe I’ve always looked this way and that’s why he cheated maybe I didn’t make enough effort after having our children. Maybe he lost feeling for me because I looked this way? I think what have I got to talk about with anyone.. I have children it’s hard to find five minutes to do anything never mind start a hobby. There are courses I’d like to do but then I dont know something’s holding me back. I guess my confidence is just gone. Don’t know I’m just feeling c****y and lonely and just needed to vent sorry girls.

[KIP.]

Don’t worry. I’ve been where you are and it gets better. Much better. Yes your confidence has been eroded, that’s what abuse does. Think of an iceberg chipped away. You need to build it back up. Little by little. Write down one positive thing per day. Having children is a wonderful positive achievement. Work on self care and self love and the rest will follow. Onwards and upwards x

[Put the kettle on]

Hi yf, your ex didn’t cheat because of you or anything you did, he did it because he chose to. That’s all on him.
You’re recovering from abuse so It’s going to take time to get yourself back on track, sleeping for me is hit and miss and i often look like rubbish. I know it may sound counter productive but instead of thinking about the next relationship focus on you, the hear and now you. I find self care hard at times and am a mum too so it’s hard to fit in. What type of stuff have you tried? Personally I’d start with little things, a choccy biscuit when kids are in bed. A decent meal. Clean PJs and bedding – I love the smell of fresh bedding. Paint your nails/toe nails. Sit in the garden if you have one (and feel safe) and look at the stars. Buy yourself your favourite chocolate, drink, crisps, meal or magazine. Do something you enjoy that you weren’t allowed to do before (it feels really rebellious ha) watch some rubbish TV. The thing I find about self care is I don’t especially enjoy it while I’m doing it but later on or the next day I’ll feel a bit better for it. When I first cooked a roast dinner after separation I could barely eat it and was upset about memories but the next day I felt loads better for all the good food.
As for the loneliness, it’s awful isn’t it. Have you got any friends you could message or call? Healing and recovery take time

[EbonyRaven]

I’ve been where you are. It wasn’t so much what I looked like, I’ve never felt I was particularly ‘pretty’. For me it was that I felt stupid and boring. I felt like I was a horrible selfish person.

I still don’t look in the mirror much, except for bits between my teeth and to make sure my face is clean haha. I do, however, now realise that I am none of those things. I’m actually kind and thoughtful. I make people laugh when I talk with them, and I ask questions to get them to talk.

That is what self care was for me. It wasn’t make-up or facials, or pampering in that way. It was cooking a meal that I enjoy and realising that I’m not a bad cook really. It was contributing to local debates on what is good/bad for our area, and remembering that I do have my own opinions, and that I can also listen to and bounce off the opinions of others, because they are valid too.

It was also wearing joggers and a T-Shirt all day because I was cleaning and sorting, and actually feeling comfortable in my own skin, with my choices of clothing, shoes etc. It was wearing something nice for me. Buying a new dress that I liked, in my style, and to h*ll with what anyone else thought of it. Wearing it in the sunshine, walking with the floaty skirt blowing in the breeze and laughing inwardly at myself (in a kind way) for how good that felt.

It was allowing myself to feel those things.

Oh, and I bought an extremely expensive box of hand made chocolates too. Well I deserved them. 😉

Give yourself time to adjust to you. It’s a rediscovering and a new adventure. Finding out that the you that was is strong, patient, empathetic etc. Plus finding out that the you that is maybe likes lobster in whisky sauce, or enjoys aqua ballet or pyrography. That you have an undiscovered interest in quantum mathematics, or bees, or guerrilla gardening.

You will find you waiting. x

[Yellowflower]

Thank you girls for all your lovely messages. It’s tough so hard the up and down days just don’t seem to end. But you girls are right I need to keep moving forward. You are all such a huge strength to me and inspiration thank you. This morning while my youngest napped instead of running round like a headless chicken I’m sat watching a film with a cuppa and biscuits and actually enjoying it… the little things! I need to keep going.. and I’m no where near ready yet but hey maybe in the future I won’t feel such a mess and some confidence might come back to meet someone.. someone who deserves what I have to offer. Xx

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