Trying to define my situation

[Anonymous]

I had a massive project over (timeframe removed by Moderator) and my absence and lack of focus left my partner feeling neglected.

He told me he wanted to go on a break, I didn’t know he was feeling neglected and wanted to talk things through first but he said I was manipulative, controlling and untrusting and needed space away from that, in the mean time I could figure out why I am like that. I did not want to go on a break but agreed to it if that was what he needed, we would still be together, not sleep with anyone else or anything like that.

I found out (timeframe removed by Moderator) that my (relative removed by Moderator) got moved to hospice for end of life care. I didn’t know how to deal with information and the break so eventually told him as I really needed his support during the time. He told me he would be there for me if I needed, very bluntly.

I went to therapy to figure out why I was being manipulative, controlling and not trusting, just believing his word as i had said i really didnt mean to come across that way and he said well if i wasnt doing it intentionally then i must be doing it subconsciously, which obviously I can’t argue. My therapist and I worked out that I wasn’t being these things, and when I came to him to say his feelings were valid and this is what my therapist found out, he got defensive and said that he believed I wasn’t explaining his side to my therapist well enough, but that he was explaining my side to his family perfectly fine.

Over time I would message or call every now and then when I needed support, asking for a message when I went up to see her in hospice. He would agree to things and then not do them, making me feel like I was disrespecting him and the break for asking for these things, telling me to just ask my friends for help and talking to me with hateful tones.

I eventually lost my (relative removed by Moderator), and soon after that my (relative removed by Moderator). I did not know how to cope when the end was coming and I would call him and cry and beg for him to just hold my hand through it as I just needed him as part of my support circle, this was my first loss and I didn’t know what to do. Again he made it out like I was disrespecting the break and he needs to stick to the terms of the break.

I found out when he stopped the break that he kissed someone at a club, but that he was drunk and couldn’t control himself, his friends and family said it wasn’t cheating and I just felt crazy and selfish for making such a big deal about it but at least he agreed with me finally.

I cant actually remember all the information about what happened anymore, even though it was just (number removed by Moderator) months ago, all i know is i cried every day, i could barely attend my studies and i wasn’t as present with my (relative removed by Moderator) as i wish i was during that time. All I remember is the way he talked to me, the hateful tone he would use, the promises he made and broke, the way he made me feel completely unlovable and telling his friends that I am an awful person, i didnt want to be alive anymore.

Things are thankfully better now, I have been apologized to and am in a much better and healthier place. But every day I just relive those memories and feelings and fears, I can’t escape them. I’m trying to work through it but I just feel like I need to define what happened to me, abuse and trauma are massive words and my situation is so much smaller than what most go through, so I don’t know what to define it as.

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