Trying to understand things (n**********c abuse).

[Boho356]

Even after a year and a half I’m still trying to work out why things went the way that they did and why he did them. I was in a relationship with a n********t for (detail removed by moderator). We brought our own house and just before (detail removed by moderator) he chose to have unprotected sex and decided to bring a child into our lives, thankfully it never happened in the (detail removed by moderator) that we were trying . Why would he do this if he was “unhappy” with me and was planning to discard?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Boho356

If you think of an abuser in terms of the power and control they crave, this will be behind a lot of their awful tactics. He might not have been ‘planning’, but it certainly removes your control and consent doesn’t it, having unprotected sex that you didn’t agree to.

I hope that helps you make sense of it, its all based on having control in his life and of you.

All of us have narcisism though, but only a qualified psychiatrist can diagnose NPD, and its very difficult to diagnose, and domestic abuse is a different thing to NPD. Any disorder, be it NPD, or addictions, are not excuses for abuse and should not be confused.

You might find something like the Freedom Programme very helpful to explain his behaviour and tactics, otherwise you can send yourself in circles for every wondering why he behaved like he did. Also, the Lundy Bancroft book, Why does he do that, or something similar.

warmest wishes

ts

[Grey Rock]

Hi Boho.

I found the YouTube videos by Dr Ramani and Melanie Tonia Evans really helpful in understanding what I’d been through and the Freedom Program has helped me to move on from those experiences.

Take care lovely.

GR

[Boho356]

Thank you all for the replies! X

[Anonymous]

Your welcome boho356 I’m sure you’ll find greyrock’s recommendations useful (they usually fall under the same patterns of behaviour + help with spotting the signs) your healing is the important thing now 💖💞💖

[Anonymous]

I remember a time on the forum boho365 when the posts got just answered on the question being asked let’s hope it goes back to that one day, a victim/survivor knows way more about their abuser that any psychiatrist ever could, these people can fool them easily they don’t spend relevant time them and won’t let their mask slip easy, and this there’s no excuse for it “we all know that” there’s nowhere or no-one on the forum that’s ever made that assumption yet it’s still being banded about by some people, the experts can give checklists onto the “character” disorder but only victim/survivor will be able to tell for sure due to the patterns, you’d be hard pressed to get one in an office anyone they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, anyway I hope the YouTube videos help they helped me a bit 💖🌟💖

[Lisa]

Good Afternoon,

I am sorry to hear about your situation Boho356, it’s understandable that you are still trying to process everything, you have been through a lot. You did the right thing by reaching out here for support and I can see that you have had really supportive replies.

I thought it may be helpful to share Women’s Aid’s stance with you all. We believe there is no excuse of any kind for perpetrating abuse, this has to be a clear and absolute message. Linking it with or equating it to any kind of mental health condition is not appropriate. By linking domestic abuse to n********m almost medicalises the problem and takes some of the responsibility away from the perpetrator. We believe that perpetrators of abuse are fully responsible for their abusive behavior. They know what they are doing and they are making a choice to behave that way.

Even if your partner does have a mental illness, there is never an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner.

You can always get in touch with the moderator if you need anything,

Best wishes

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Agreed 💯

[Twisted Sister]

Abuse is abuse, and not about labelling people with psychiatric disorders without the skills or intensive assessment. Many with psychiatric disorders, or addictions, do not abuse their partners and family, but it does get used as an ‘excuse’, when it isn’t and we should see through that, thats its abuse and not a personality disorder that a lay person cannot possibly diagnose.

Deal with the behaviour is all thats required.

[Author]

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