Turning people against me

[Daff]

I have been out of the relationship for a while now, (removed by moderator) I have found out that he has been telling people that I have caused him a lot of problems. I knew he was telling his family this and his new friends but I didn’t know he was doing this with people we both know. I haven’t seen anyone for a long time and have built one or two new friendships with people he doesn’t know. It also turns out he had started doing this before we were finally over, I don’t understand it but my guess is he didn’t want people to think that his behaviour is what finished the relationship and know who he really is.With things opening up I’m going to see these people and don’t know how to cope with it. I wish I had the resources to just move away but that isn’t a possibility. Why can’t I just be left alone.

[Catjam]

Hi, I’m having this issue. It’s feeding back to me that apparently I am severely depressed and he has tried to help me in so many ways but now I have pushed him away. Also that I had been stealing from him and I was worried he would find out. My eldest is clearly skipping alongside him which really hurts.
I always told my kids it matters not what is said about you, as long as you know the truth and hold onto it. Easier said then done especially when he is getting all the support and help.
Hopefully one day we can rise above it all. I have put my side to one of our mutual friends. Not sure if they believed me or not but I felt better for putting my side but also I have always covered up for him. Maybe now people will start to see him in a new light.

[cakepops]

I think most abusers do this. Mine has been almost waging a war against me – sharing lies about me online, to friends and colleagues etc. It has taken a long time to accept that I cannot control this, nor can I control what people do or don’t believe about me. Those who know me best know and believe the truth, he has people who are close to him that are totally taken in by his lies. The majority of others I expect really don’t care one way or the other. What helps me is to remember that people are generally so focused on their own problems and their own lives that they are unlikely to pay much attention to what he says.

I have started some counselling to help me with aspects such as this, and it has been benefitial so I’d recommend trying that if you can (it took me over a year to get referred on NHS though).

[Author]

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