(Un) Supportive friends making life harder

[AmythistButterfly]

I’m looking for some words of encouragement or advice on how to handle a very difficult situation that has arisen between me and my friends following my seperation from my husband.

Last year my estranged husband assaulted me quite seriously during a heated argument. This is the first time he had physically hit me but our marriage was abusive. During this incident he was arrested and charged and we have since gone our seperate ways.

He appears to be genuinely remorseful, has self referred for treatment services, pled guilty to his charge and has since been sentenced.

We have 2 children together (detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator), who thankfully were not present at the time of the assault . Naturally childrens services and womens aid have been involved to provide support as a matter of protocol and DC’s school has been made aware. They have since closed the case stating the key risk to the children was that they may witness abuse and so long as we remain seperated and he no longer lives in the house they are happy for us to make in formal arrangements regarding contact with our kids as the risk is considered low in our current circumstances.

He genuinely seems to be trying to turn his life around. He’s since got sober, attending therapy regularly, found himself work and making regular child maintenance payments. We have agreed days for him to take the kids after his work and to date he has never missed a contact.

The issue however seems to be my friends who for the most part have been a huge support to me adjusting to life as a single parent. Naturally they now completely hate him and want him completely out of their lives. As far as they are concerned I should have no contact what so ever and should make him fight through the courts for access to the kids for fear that he will continue to abuse me emotionally. Personally this in not what I want for my kids or us and goes against recommendations from children’s services.

Some have gone as far as to (detail removed by moderator). When I’ve stated that I’m not happy about this behaviour they have told me he has brought it on himself and not to concern myself. That its the backlash from his actions. This makes me feel terrible.

My ex wants to pick up our DC from school on the days he has them which is great for me as it gives our DC some stabilty back, means less contact with me and allows handovers to take place in a supervised location with protective adults in official positions who would be leaned on in cases where child protection issues arise. I feel this offers an added layer of protection as it keeps her contact with her father visable and not just limited to my word if that makes sense. My friend however who’s children attend the same school and (detail removed by moderator) has expressed her horror that my ex will be in the same vacinity as her children, stating that she has promised her children that they will never have to have anything to do with him again and seeing him may cause them distress. He has never caused any alarm to her or her children directly. Just their knowledge of the incident thats passed. This is complicated as I regularly look after her children while she is at work. While they are in my care I respect her wishes for them to have no contact with my ex.

My DC has just (detail removed by moderator) that this same friends children go to and has expressed a wish for dad to come see (detail removed by moderator). As you can imagine that has not gone down well that he may be going to see them all. I do not want to cause upset to my friend or her children but I also dont see why my child should have to go without because of the actions of their father when he is trying to make amends.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation that can offer advice? I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and its burning me out as I just want to move on with my life. So much so it almost feels like it would be easier being back with my husband (although I know in this is not an option).

Thanks in advance for reading this.

[Allornothing]

Hiya, unfortunately friends can be very very supportive and have your back 100% but in order to do that, they need to realise that it is not their life. From my experience, I steered away from friends in the end who had very strong opinions (yet didn’t know the full story) which slightly annoyed me. We don’t need opinions, we need people to listen to us and not judge. Sadly I think your friends are taking it a bit far, like you say, him being able to pick them up in a safe place, helps you out and also gives them additional time.

Many may disagree, but it sounds to me like you have made sensible decisions to get where you are currently and you need to trust your own gut. You can’t banish him from the school because your friends don’t want him around and him being there should not cause others distress.

Sorry you are in this predicament. I would try and talk to them to be honest, yourself and your estranged husband are dealing with this as adults, friends shouldn’t be adding to the pressure and stress. I really do hope you get it sorted! Sending love xx

[Marmalade]

It sounds like you have done amazingly getting your life sorted and the arrangements that you think are best for your children following professional advice.
It now sounds as though your friends are trying to control your life and your children’s lives because of their own views. It doesn’t matter whether their motivation is good or not, my view is they should not be interfering to this extent, especially as the arrangements you want offer better safeguards for you. Being a good friend is being supportive, caring, listening but not judging and certainly not forcing someone to behave the way they want.
I lost friends during and after abuse. All of them were well intentioned. I had friends who gave me ultimatums to leave my ex or they would cut contact with me. I had friends who couldn’t understand how I had “allowed” myself to be treated like that etc. Friends can have v strong opinions.
It is your life, your choices, not theirs. You know the best way to approach them but a polite firm reminder that it is your life and you are doing what professionals recommend may be necessary. You can remind them how much you appreciate their support but that your life choices need be made by you. If your ex has parental responsibility he is fully entitled to attend school events unless the school bars him, which it has not.
Good luck.

[AmythistButterfly]

Thank you both for your kind words. I feel I really need to distance myself as much as I am extremely grateful to them but I need to put my kids best interests and my sanity first. The sad part is that this is just further isolating me from my support network which plays directly into my ex hands… something I’m sure with any thought they would have wanted to avoid.

[Bananaboat]

It’s often not just toxic partners we attract but friends too. I’ve noticed this since leaving and distanced myself from many people who always wanted things their way or would make snide comments, or put unfair expectations on me etc.

I’m not saying this friend is, but as you say why on earth has she said anything to her kids about your kids’dad, or made unreasonable promises. By doing that she’s impacting your kids and your lives – does she expect the dad to never go to school, what about sports days, what if she sees him in the supermarket? Makes you wonder what her kids might say to yours or others as kids don’t understand yet. Unless he hurt her in some way then I think she’s being overly dramatic and controlling – it’s upto you what contact arrangements you guys have and if all the services agree it’s ok then she needs to step aside.

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