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I’m really struggling in my marriage and could do with some support/advice
Weve been married for quite a long time now, I think he has always been stubborn and “difficult” and tended to be very rude and mean when disagreed with. We had a good friendship and connection basically when there was no conflict and I also can be quite overly emotional and I’m highly sensitive and anxious, so I think I just put it down to a volatile but passionate relationship and were two fairly stubborn and strong-willed people. The last few years we have been through a lot and had children we have both been feeling a lot of stress with life events HOWEVER since learning a lot more about communication after having therapy myself I realize his behavior at times could be seen as emotionally abusive and controlling. My mum was also controlling and sometimes abusive and like my husband I know it’s not/wasn’t intentional with either of them and I’m not sure whether this is why I’ve struggled to recognize it.
Basically, everything is fine unless we have a differing opinion or perspective on something. If I say something he doesnt like or try and explain to him hes hurt my feelings I’m constantly invalidated, talked down to, eye rolls, smirking, big patronizing sighs or just ignored (ill be trying to communicate how ill feel and he will walk off or start doing something that makes a loud noise to drown me out. When he’s annoyed he is very rude and patronizing and I’ve basically given up trying to defend myself as I realized this just escalates to a massive character assassination and if I have a different memory/perception of a situation he calls me a liar and says I’m twisting things. He will also bring up loads of irrelevant situations from the past, or make sweeping statements how I’m rude all the time how dare I call him rude etc. He makes me feel like I’m the one in the wrong and for example, sometimes I say something in all innocence that triggers him and he will make a rude comment about me, Ill say it hurt my feelings and try and defend myself then it just escalates and his perception of the situation is “you just wanted an argument” (I’m a people pleaser so that statement in itself is so annoying!!) or he will say I’m stressed and taking it out on him (he gets frustrated I think with my anxiety) But it feels like were on different planets and he can never hear he has upset me its like he totally invalidates or deflects it. I overreact, or I have had a bad day and just taking it out on him. It feels like he actually believes what hes saying and it is literally like arguing with a brick wall. Its just plain traumatic for me and im up all night heart racing afterwards where he just goes to sleep.
Sometimes he takes a small bit of responsibility but if the subject is brought up again he completely backtracks and goes defensive. I genuinely think he has deep insecurities that’s driving this behavior and he doesn’t even realize hes doing it.
He is very anxious over money and can be very irrational (like having a go at me over something very inexpensive) but anything im anxious about like health and safety he can be very dismissive and that just makes me more anxious.
There also have been a couple of incidents where he has withheld information about where we are going to stay in his home country (he’s not from the UK) and Ive been forced to stay somewhere that makes me very very uncomfortable and would have never agreed to. I feel like this could even be illegal?
Im not in physical danger and he is a good Dad to our young children and I genuinely think he doesn’t mean to hurt me. We do have a good friendship and connection when things are calm, but arguments have increased the last few years and I think my self esteem has been chipped away because of the times im dismissed and talked down to. Im so exhausted with it and feel generally quite unhappy and could do with some advice. -
Honestly, this does not sound good. It sounds like a controlling relationship in which, because you have anxiety and issues of your own, you are not left to be who you genuinely are. It seems like he is not letting you be your real self but a version of who he wants you to be.
That thing where he will not tell you where you are staying is a massive red flag! You are entitled to the right to know where you are going and to judge whether this is safe for your children as well. Feels like he is not telling you in order to avoid to consider your opinion.
Money and other topics of disagreement seem like they are just a pretext and in fact, he sounds like he is trying to control you. Can you be your real self with him? Or do you have to hide your opinions and thoughts from him out of fear of escalation? That is downright emotional abuse and psychological control.
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Hi Thanks for your response
Its a pretty complex situation but for the most part I can be myself around him, but I know certain things I do or say could be a trigger or a row, such as buying something.
Its almost like he only sees his point of view, sees things very black and white (I think were both neurodivergent and learned a lot about this due to one of our children)
He’s done some good and kind things, hes there for us in a practical sense but I feel like I actually have no emotional support and the things that really matter to me he doesn’t see as important.
He is genuinely anxious about money and always has been, but I earn my own money and have been the main earner for a couple of years due to circumstances, we had to use a credit card for some house repairs and I think that makes him feel very out of control and its really brought out a bad side of him – Sometimes getting really nasty when I’ve bought myself a treat when I’ve been working hard and overwhelmed and really, I dont think he has the right to do that. Not wanting to be outing on this, but we are not really badly off at all just money tied up in another property that he refuses to do anything with.
Im anxious but not a shrinking violet and Ive always tried to speak up for myself but I feel like the things he says to me during arguments have really dragged me down. I cant see that he does this intentionally I think he has anger issues and hes really bad at communication in general.
I actually told him recently Ive had enough and he needs to take some ownership for once in out disagreements and situations. He said he was willing to try but to be honest I think some of it is just the way hes wired
He just sees “right” and “wrong” and if hes in the right he can speak to me however he wants in his eyes.
Ive been struggling for the last couple of years knowing that although he is deep down a good person, the way he has treated me at times presents as controlling and verbally abusive and Im not sure what to do really. I dont want to break the kids hearts but I suppose I need to admit to myself that Im pretty unhappy and just accepting a fate where I do feel trapped, and to be honest I prefer family outings when its just me and the kids and hes not there. Thats difficult to express why though – he looks at his phone a lot while I,m talking to him so hes not always great company, and I suppose I get to choose more where we go and I can treat them to something he would deem as “silly”
When he has taken me somewhere or done something I wouldnt like without properly telling me his reason is “I knew you wouldnt day yes” which is obviously not OK and we have had rows about it. To give him his due I dont think he would do this again, but im still very resentful to him.
His main issue with him is that I dont stick up for him, but these are in situations where I basically dont agree with his perception of whats actually happening and im trying to get him to see the grey areas.
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Hi Anxious101,
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
This resonates with me a lot. I don’t think you can say it’s unintentional as they’re making the choice to act this way or say the things they do.
If I agree with him that’s fine. If I disagree with him he immediately accuses me of arguing or fighting against him. I can say things quite innocently and he will take offence and an argument will ensue. So not just me responding to something he’s said but I also feel like I can’t be certain about not saying something he’s going to kick off at.
Trying to defend or stick up for yourself leads to being called a ton of things that aren’t true. Being accused of being a liar is one of them, even though I know what I’ve said is true. They try and twist things and make you doubt yourself. This isn’t accidental. They’re making choices to do this and it’s hard to comprehend why but it’s what’s happening.
You said he isn’t from the UK – could there be a cultural difference playing a part?
A live chat with Women’s Aid could help you in the first instance. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this – can guarantee you have done nothing to deserve this sort of behaviour.
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