Unsure and struggling

[LinguistFourEver]

Hi, I am new here. I have not experienced any physical abuse and I am so sorry for all the ones who did. I cannot even imagine. I am not sure if I am in the right place. I suppose I need confirmation whether or not there was some sort of emotional abuse involved. The funny part is. If there was, I was not able to see it. I thought it was only him being unkind or some sort of disagreement in the relationship until my Therapist confirmed that in fact it was emotional abuse. I only started Therapy cause of stress-related issues and EDs. But this is now catching up.
There are a lot of examples, but I will only mention the key ones, so this won’t get too long.
Also, is it normal that a lot of memories come up after starting to talk about it? Cause I never considered emotional abuse before and now I am having all these emotions and memories coming up with some sort of negative “aha” or “oh” effects… It is crazy and very overwhelming.

– He threw an oven door across the room, cause I asked him something about the bathroom. I think we were doing some cleaning that day and I was not sure if he was done yet. It offended him in some way.

– He punched walls, slammed doors, hit counters when in disagreement. He broke his own laptop.

– We once went on a train to go out to an event. (detail removed by moderator). I told him, no, that we both had quite a lot to drink and let’s just walk home together, its safer and not that far. He took the car anyway and left me walking home alone, also a little drunk, on this dark road. He even stopped once and asked If I am sure that I don’t want a lift. When I arrived home he was upset with me, as I was overreacting and ruined the evening.

– (detail removed by moderator), I told him I would not have time to celebrate, as I had exam deadlines all happening that day and I told him in advance look I am happy to order a pizza, watch a nice movie, snuggle etc, once I am done but I am not sure when that will be and to please not pressure me as this was really important to me to finish these essays satisfied, with good conscience, and no anxiety. (detail removed by moderator) I wrote the rest of my final assignments in tears, only rushing through it, hoping I would at least pass. He gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the night, cooked his own food and I had to order pizza for myself around 10pm. I was done with my essays way before then but too upset to eat.

– I once misplaced a USB stick I needed for work, It is a tiny thing, slimmer than the normal ones, requires a fingerprint. I used it the day before and for whatever reason could not find it the next morning. (detail removed by moderator) I never asked him to help me look for it. He then just started shouting what is so important, look at all that s**** on the floor, my mood is already dragging him down, what a way to start the morning, he is already so late and now THAT. I honestly was only focused on finding this USB stick. I don’t know why he got so angry, I kept quiet the entire time. He kicked the stuff that was lying on the floor, papers, pens, books etc, and clapped his hands right in front of my face (detail removed by moderator)

– When we went out he always walked at least 10 m ahead of me, just telling me to keep up and he really can’t go my pace, and I used to be a quick walker, what happened to me.
Is this a thing? the walking ahead issue? I read about it…

– (detail removed by moderator), we had a really good time. It was in the middle of the countryside though and you either needed a taxi from the venue or walk home for one hour. We were all dancing, everyone had a nice time. He was just sitting by himself at a table and I encouraged him multiple times to come and join but he said he is just bored and he wants to go back to the hotel now. I said I really couldn’t leave now. I never see my best friend, as I live abroad. Can we just stay a bit longer? He was pulling a face. People asked me what’s wrong with him. The taxis were overbooked and surely not coming anytime soon. It was around midnight and he said no he wanted to leave now, I could either wait for a taxi or walk with him or walk home later by myself. He left, I felt bad and I ran after him. (detail removed by moderator)

– I know this sounds ridiculous but he always ate all of our food without replacing it or even letting me know about it. And believe me when I say, I am all for sharing, but this was another level. For example, sometimes, when I was in tune with my bodyimage I would allow myself some chocolate. I would not eat the whole bar, so I would just put it aside on my desk for later, or another day. When I wanted it it was gone. Also cereal, milk, pasta absolutely everything. He bought me a box to lock my snacks in, but he would break the box or when I would forget to lock it, he would say “well its your fault, you did not lock it” I spend so much money on snacks, of which i ever only saw a tiny bit from. Now living by myself for the first time in my life, my cupboard is full of cereal I only eat once in a while. At the beginning I hesitated buying my favourite, Frosties. I went shopping with my best friend, looked at the price, and said naaah its not worth it for one bowl…she said “giiiirrl get the d**n cerreal, you can have the entire box, you wont only have one bowl, cause someone ate the rest you know that right????!” I was like…Ah…ah yeaaa!!
The impact…. is this real?

– some days he would call me smart and beautiful, other days he would call me fat and ugly when I was crying. He would say often, I look so much prettier with makeup on.

– (detail removed by moderator). He INSISTED that I am fat. I refused. I said NO I am not. I am a bit overweight. To prove me wrong he googled the word fat, what exactly it means, he asked me – how much do you weigh now? I said its irrelevant. he said it is relevant because then he can prove I am considered fat.

– I was always so relieved when he was not home. Tense when he was. Could never focus on anything. He was constantly scrolling on his phone on the highest volume. Even when I was working. Or in Meetings.

– When we had places to be, deadlines, appointments, he made sure to leave it to last minute or even after we were supposed to leave. Whenever I went back to my home country I did not ask him anymore to drive me to the airport. I could not rely on him that we would actually leave on time, that I had to look after HIM as well, wake him up to drive me to the airport, he would snooze until 1 minute before leaving. I hate to rush. I also stopped relying on him to take our (now my) dog out when he was off work. He would put it off all day, when I would ask him, he would shout I WILL DO IT SHUT UP!. I stopped counting on it and started doing things myself. Getting myself to the airport and back. Never ever would skip a dog walk in the morning again unless I was incredibly sick and had to beg him to take our dog out for her usual routine.

Okay I think I am done now.
We broke up a few months ago. We were together for a really long time.
I am so confused sometimes. And I am angry. I am angry that I now have to deal with this.
That I cannot look at myself in the mirror.
That half my life is consumed by this relationship.
That google photos keeps sending me reminders “remember this day X*X years ago?”. Because we also had good times. I am not saying everything was bad.
That I cannot wear make up cause I FEEL like it, but only cause I think that other people would find me prettier. That I cannot have people near me.
that I cannot stop thinking, if I meet someone and that person sees me out of clothes would turn away or make some nasty comments.
That I overthink absolutely everything I say or do.
That I am on my tiptoes since the day i moved away. I am afraid of disturbing people….who??? Myself?
That I cannot hug, cause every hug with him had to turn into something “more”, every time. I have not had a hug just for the sake of comforting me, in years.
That I have to hide my face when crying.

[Hereforhelp]

Ah sweetie, I cried reading your post… I can totally resonate… your ex partner has worked on you for years.. the drip drip of abuse… him throwing oven doors or whatever is his show of physical.strength, sort of a reminder how strong he is and is designed to scare/shutdown the partner (control) ..

It’s good you have a therapist who understands Domestic Abuse.

Yes, Once I saw the abuse (I was married for many many years) I started to recognise it throughout our relationship when I thought back but didn’t seen it at the time. That took me sometime to get my head around. For me,.The Freedom Programme helped and the.follow on course. I going to do them both again as my confidence is still very low at times.

I am sending you a hug now linguistforever 🫂 🤗

Be kind to yourself, you have been through so much and got yourself out, you are brave and in the right place.

HFH ❤️

[Author]

Posts