Unsure if it is abuse

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

So I read on one of the forums and have been told that pressuring someone into having sex with them is classed as rape. My partner has never physically made me have sex with him but when I have said no or made excuses not to he has whined, pressured and moaned on and on and sometimes even got annoyed so I felt like I had to. Is this classed as rape? He once said to me that if I did not do him a sexual favour he would withhold the money he gives to me for our daughter and bills. That time I felt strong enough to tell him no and to stick to it. But all the other times where he has tried to talk me into sleeping with him or doing him sexual favours I have given in because I am scared he will get angry.

[maddog]

If you are not free to make the choice, it is rape. Being coerced into sex is rape. I have given in because I was afraid. It was rape. My husband has sexually assaulted me more times than I can remember. Usually when I was asleep. I asked him to at least make sure I was awake. He didn’t listen. It took me years to understand that he was assaulting me. It is very difficult to know what to do when you are afraid of the person and you know that they will be furious.

[iwillbeok]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this rockandroll. This behaviour from my ex was the last straw for me. He ramped up his abuse to aecual coercive control and rape. He knew he didn’t have my consent. He made me say things to make it sound like it – but it wasn’t consent. I have been going to counselling with a specialist rape counsellor and it has been invaluable! The picture of abuse over a very, very long time (from the very beginning!) has become cleaerer and clearer. He believed he could completely break me with this. But he was oh so wrong!

Sending you strength and hugs rockandroll
X

[iamme]

Hello rocknroll, I believe it is rape because you’re afraid he will get angry so you eventually give in. Also he’s using money to control and coerce you by refusing to give you money if you don’t let him. Having children around also makes it more likey you give in just to keep the peace incase he gets angry and goes around slamming doors and frightening the kids. My husband would use the same tactics. It wasn’t money he used. He would buy clothes and shoes, items for the house or even himself and the kids and then expect sex. He even once said I get everything for you and you can’t even be nice to me. By nice he meant sex, fondling him and telling him how good he is and how wonderful he is. It wasn’t even expensive clothes. Just basics. You begin to feel like a prostitute. I eventually lost all desire to want anything. I prefer rags to new clothes. As maddog says, it did take years to realise but my body always knew it was wrong. My body felt dirty, I was in pain down below sometimes and the disturbed sleep doesn’t help. You become numb eventually. I’m sorry this has happened to you, stay safe and be strong.

[maddog]

My husband had a weird set of rules. Don’t do that. Don’t do this. Turn off the radio. Periods are disgusting. No condoms, no nightwear. No communication. He did sex AT me.
He treated me like a sex doll which he could move around to his satisfaction. He used to boast about how long he could go on for as though it was the best thing ever. He used to pick up bits of me and place them on bits of him. I really think he used me primarily as a masterbatory tool.

[Malachite]

I had an ex who used violence and his body weight to control me sexually. I had another who used guilt trips. Or would cook really nice meals (he was very good at cooking and cleaning when he wanted to be) and say that he hoped the sex was good afterwards. I honestly felt like both experiences were equally bad in terms of emotional health and they felt equally as much like sexual assault, partly because I felt like I couldn’t leave the second relationship. I think with the second scenario you get a lot more victim blaming and people doubting you though. I really want to go to sexual assault counselling but I’m scared because they may say it wasn’t bad/forceful enough. I know they aren’t supposed to say that, but it’s still scary.

Either way, I’d say threatening to withold money if you don’t have sex with him is definately sexual coersion or even attempted rape. I mean he’s not leaving you much choice is he? Sounds like he’s financially abusing you too if he’s giving you an allowance like that. Even if you’re not employed you should be getting at least child benefit coming in and if that’s your only income then bills shouldn’t be coming out of your bank account (at least not in a healthy relationship imo). If he’s in charge of money and using it to control you sexually I’d say phone the helpline asap. They’re lovely and patient, but you may have to leave an answerphone message (they ring back really quickly sometimes) I could never get through straight away.

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