Unsure what to do

[Confused-and-alone]

So after a big argument a couple of nights ago I told my husband that I have been thinking of leaving. His reaction surprised me – he didn’t get angry or aggressive he was just sad and desperately sorry that he’s upset me this much. He has begged me for a chance to change and I don’t know what to do — I just don’t know if I can get my feelings for him back after everything that’s happened. Should I try and see if things can get better or should I cut and run and devastate his and our children’s lives?

[dustypink]

Hi,
I just wanted to say that people don’t change.
If you know him, you also know the cycles, you know, that everything will be the same.
You can loose another year of your life with a man who diesn’t love or you can change your life now. I tell myself this instead of the question you are asking )

[Tiffany]

This is a man you have described as controlling, who you don’t dare disagree with for fear of your reaction, who regularly sexually abuses you. If he really cared about you he wouldn’t continue to have sex with you after you asked him to stop. Men who love their partners don’t rape them.

Cut and run. You won’t ruin your kids life, you will make it better. They don’t deserve to be brought up around a man who drinks, is aggressive and hurts their mum. And you won’t be ruining his life. He has ruined his life, and that is not your fault.

Just don’t let him know that his crocodile tears ploy has failed. Don’t mention leaving again until you are out. He could still turn angry and aggressive like you expected if he realises that he has lost control of you.

[Ayanna]

Do what Tiffany says.
Leave whilst you are safe to do so, without him knowing.

[banks]

Do not fall for his guilt trap, and be careful because if he sees it does not work, he will try something else. As for your children – having a happy mum will make them happy, too and my childhood was devastated only because my mum stayed for too long, I wish she left sooner

[Confused-and-alone]

Thanks for the replies but unfortunately I’ve let everyone down and seem to be staying put. He was so upset and I just felt so awful for making him feel this way by threatening to leave that I have ended up backing down and agreeing to work on things. He is trying at the moment but sadly I don’t expect it will last – feel like a failure for not going when I could of.

[LookingForAnswers]

Us e this time to plan your way out

[lover of no contact]

Keep posting and reading the posts. You are not a failure. Leaving is a process. It takes time. Most women leave 7 times before they finally leave. Your behaviour is normal in your situation. Just keep as many supports as you can, this Forum, phonecalls to Women’s Aid. I thought I’d never get away. I did.
Situations change when we change and we change by coming on here and posting and reading the posts.

[dustypink]

Think about yourself first. You are not responsible for him. He is using your kindness to control you and to get you back. But this is just for a period of time.
When you are in relationship filled with love, you are never in doubts. This is not Love, just manipulating in his own interests.
Such a kind of people always make you doubt in yourself and feel guilty, this is how they are projecting their own negative sides.
Not this time may be.
But you’ll do this next time.
We all are here to understand, to support and to help x*x

[Confused-and-alone]

I feel so stupid and like I’ve fallen for his act – he’s being lovely at the moment like he was when we first met, all attentive and trying to be silly and flirty and fun all the time but it just feels so false – if anything it makes me think even more that he does know what he’s doing. How else could he switch his behaviour so suddenly from what it was to this?? I feel utter despair and like I’m never going to be able to get out because he’ll always be able to guilt trip me into staying.

[KIP.]

Oh gosh confused, I remember this lightbulb moment. Watching him go through the honeymoon phase but realising it was all a big sorry act. He looked pathetic and looking back I was repulsed and nauseous with his flirty silly behaviour where in the past I’d responded to it the way I was programmed. So greatful that all his attention was back on me. Believe it or not you’ve just had a huge breakthrough but be very careful of his sick game. He will want your full attention and approval just like always. When you won’t or can’t do it he will get dangerous. I actually had to pretend to be happy which was soul destroying and made my skin crawl. Destroyed my mental health. It’s one more step towards freedom in a really sad way. Hang in there as now you will see his dysfunction and abuse it will make it easier to walk out that door. Stay safe x

[Author]

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