Unsure where I’m at with everything

[Rainbowdream]

Hi,
So I’m still questioning things and trying to come to terms with what ive been told. Since I’ve been a bit more aware of certain behaviours I’ve remembered some of his threatening behaviour from before. There’s holes in the doors and walls and I remembered recently he that hes raised his fist to me before.
I guess I’m just starting to get more anxious as I worry he may notice things changing.
He seems to be doing lots more nice things, but it’s putting me on edge. He’s still being very off with me in some ways. Like seeming to make things more difficult in some ways.

I’ve been warned that things can escalate if you partner suspects you are questioning things. I guess now I’m starting the notice the manipulation, gaslighting, and put downs I’m really confused. I don’t know whether to talk to him and try to figure things out or sort something out or whether I need to try and leave. The issue is I’m dependant on him for so much. And now I’m pregnant too. (This is another minor issue as I can’t remember consenting as I was (detail removed by Moderator), he tells me (detail removed by Moderator), but he’s not waited for permission for a little while now).

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense!! I’m feeling very overwhelmed, also still got a large part of my brain telling me I’m being ridiculous and everything’s fine, so yeah. Very conflicted and confused right now.
Thankyou if you read this

[Scarecrow]

Firstly, you dont need to thank us, we are a community of women here to help you through this.

Secondly, it is no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed, I think anyone would. I remember when i first realised that one of my relationships was abusive – it was like a lightbulb had gone on in my mind. But for a while afterwards it really was like i was in a fog while my brain caught up and i started to remember so many things that i had obviously buried before.

Please be careful – as you say (and not meaning to frighten you at all) things can escalate if he does work out that you are aware of what he is doing. Make sure that if you use shared devices that you clear you browser history – not all of it because that will give you away- but if you visit this site or anything else that he might find that might set him off, delete the history of it. Stay safe first and foremost.

Are you able to make contact with your local domestic violence advisor? Most areas will have someone who deals with this kind of thing and are often attached to the local refuge. Talking to these people is just like talking to us, they will not judge you or make you do anything that you do not want to do but they can point you to local support.

Please know that nothing that you have endured is your fault and it is possible to get out.

Keep posting

Hugs
Scarecrow x

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou, it’s a relief to hear that this is a normal way to think and feel at the moment. Yeah it’s strange how things are coming back now, I’ve started having dreams aswell of things that have happened.
I really appreciate your advice, I’ll make sure I’m careful with my devices as he has access to everything.

I’m not really sure where i would start to find anyone to be honest. I’ve only really spoken to friends and joined this forum.

Still finding it very hard to believe things arnt my fault. But thankyou for the reminder x

[Scarecrow]

I obviously dont know your circumstances, so not sure if you work or have time away from him (dont say on here for obvious reasons) but have a google. I am sure in my area that my council has a link to local charities or services that help with domestic violence. Failing that Women’s Aid would be able to help you.

Stay safe and keep posting, you will get through this i promise.
Hugs
Scarecrow x

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou, I will have a look and see what I can find.

[Author]

Posts