Unsure whether it’s abuse, but I want to break free

[Girlwhodreams]

There’s some good and bad in my relationship, but I know I didn’t marry because I was in love. Im from a different country and my uk immigration status depends on my relationship so I feel trapped. When I got married to my husband, I experienced a bad episode (detail removed by moderator) earlier in which I was hospitalised (I have a mental illness which is currently well managed by medication). In addition, at the time of my marriage, I was on the verge of getting kicked out of my house by my mother who likely has a mental illness as well (which is not managed at all.) At that time I felt my then boyfriend was my best friend and that I wouldn’t be able to find anyone else who would love me. So I got married. As soon as my husband flew back to the UK, my mother forced & kicked me out of my house by way of emotional and verbal abuse. She also took away my car. I was homeless and without a car, living in a temporary place costing me so much financial burden. So I decided to apply to live in the uk to live with my husband. In hindsight, it was a decision I regret because my job in my home country was the best job I ever had. Our relationship is good sometimes and we get along like friends, but I can’t help but feel my husband has taken advantage of me when I was so helpless and vulnerable. Every now and then whenever I express to him I’m having any sort of issue, he gets angry at me and starts to yell at me. I feel like he gaslights, he’s coercive, and he is controlling. But on the flip side, he helps get me to sleep at a decent time every night. He’s helped me be stable for (detail removed by moderator) years, helping me with medications, doc appointments, he cooks and cleans. However when he starts to yell at me for no good reason, he throws it all in my face and says he does everything for me non stop. I’ve spoken to him countless times about how I’m unhappy in the marriage and he ends up yelling at me and starting a fight and on a couple of occasions has made comments about him dying or “offing himself”.
He’s (detail removed by moderator) years older than me and I’m just not attracted to him. I want to break free somehow but I can’t that easily. I have no where to go in my home country. I’m scared of being alone, & I’ll most definitely miss the companionship he brings me. But I won’t miss the yelling & controlling behaviour. I’d love to stay in the uk as I’m involved in a group here that I love, but I can’t if I split with him. Not sure what to do especially because after months of telling him I don’t think our relationship is working he is always cheerful and acts like everything is ok between us.

[Lisa]

Hello Girlwhodreams,

Thank you for your post and for sharing your situation with us. I can really hear how difficult things feel at the moment, it sounds like you’ve been through so much.

I’m sure other users will be able to offer some advice and support, in the meantime, I just wanted to let you know about the Rights of Women who run an Immigration and Asylum legal advice line. It might be helpful to have a talk with them about your rights and options as there are some recourses for settlement in the Uk if you have experienced domestic abuse.

You can contact Rights of Women on 020 7118 0267 and their website is: https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/immigration-law-advice

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you’re doing.

Lisa

[Author]

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