Upcoming holiday

[Confused-and-alone]

So I have been subject to coercive control and emotional abuse for several years although I only identified this in the last year ish. I tried to leave in the summer but failed miserably then I was supposed to leave after Christmas and just couldn’t do it. We have a big family holiday coming up very soon and I didn’t want the kids to have to miss out – I don’t trust him to take them alone as he is a heavy drinker even more so lately as he seems to be aware that I’m unhappy. But now the holiday is fast approaching and I’m dreading it – the thought of it being just us for two whole weeks. To make matters worse my best friend who I have confided in a lot has started distancing herself from me since I didn’t leave after Christmas – I do understand that she’s just frustrated with me for not doing something about my situation. How do I get through this holiday where its going to be just me and him and the kids for so long??

[KIP.]

Please don’t go. Holiday is where you’re trapped with him and he knows it. There will be plenty happy holidays in the future without him. Try to see the bigger picture. Kids are resilient and will bounce back if they miss one holiday. You’re making excuses for not leaving him which is exactly what I did. There was always a perceived obstacle in the way. Feign a burst eardrum so you can’t fly. Do anything to get out of the holiday. I don’t know if you have an exit plan in place. Somewhere to go but try to focus on that. Getting out safely.

[Confused-and-alone]

Thanks kip but I don’t feel as if I have any choice but to go – we have spent a lot on this holiday and he has gotten the kids so so excited for it – I’m suspicious that he’s built it up on purpose because he has an idea that I want to leave him. I can’t let the kids down when they’re so excited and I just can’t trust him to keep them safe on his own – don’t get me wrong I don’t think he would ever hurt them but he also won’t be sober enough to actually watch them properly.

Oddly holidays when he has me alone he is generally not that bad – as long as I behave ie don’t drink much in the day around the kids (although he does), go the places he wants to go etc, have sex when he’s in the mood for it. Without the normal day to day pressures outbursts are far less likely – although we did have a blazing row in the airport last year when transferring planes – he screamed at me that I was a stupid f*****g b***h in front of the kids and a whole host of passers by which was fun!!

It’s just keeping up the pretence that Im interested in what he says and I’m enjoying spending time with him. And being without anyone to talk to – my phone use is generally much more limited on holiday because he says it’s a waste of money to have it on so I can only really use it when I have free WiFi in the hotel lobby. I’m just dreading it being just us.

[dustypink]

I made this mistake. Went on holidays.

First, he started to manipulate 2 weeks before, told he won’t go and won’t give the money to me to go.
Then he changed his mind and promised he will behave nicely on a sake of the kids.

So naive I was to believe.. This was the last time I’ve believed him though.

This was horrible. 2 weeks of stress, tears and abuse. My biggest mistake ever. This didn’t look possible to cancel, but looking back now I understand I had to cancel. Even kids would be upset.

[KIP.]

That kind of behaviour at the airport is child abuse. Child abuse has long lasting detrimental effects on childrens mental health. Right into adulthood. Exposing them to this kind of abuse will scar them for life. Keep working on getting yourself and your children safe. Getting counselling for you all and getting rid of the cause of misery and anxiety you all feel. What you describe is you changing your behaviour to suit him and that’s how coercive control works. You always have a choice. One day, hopefully soon, you will find your freedom x

[Author]

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