Upset

[Alone]

I don’t know how much sense I will make, I’m really upset at the moment! I wish I could go into detail, but obviously I can’t.

So I’m living with a sibling since my mum died fairly recently. He is being nothing but cruel towards me and it just seems to be getting worse, and the things he says cutting deeper and deeper. The tenancy was handed to him, and I was considered as ‘occupation in use’. He constantly threatens to lock me out (which my mum used to do) and threatens me all the time. He will not help with any upkeep of the home, and I am getting sick with how bad the place is getting. I get fed up and do a massive clean, but he is so bad that if he so much as drops something on the floor, it stays there. Even if it’s food! I get adamant I won’t be his personal slave, so I leave it and leave it until I get so sick of it and do it all. I feel like I’m constantly begging him to see what he’s doing and help!

He has a really well paying job, and doesn’t have to attend many hours so spends a lot of time in bed. On the other hand, I have to work six days a week to keep up with things, and I just don’t have the time or energy to be his housekeeper as well!

Something is going on now that is too specific to say, but I wish I could, because I think it would really be a shocking example of how much he lets the place go. I asked him tonight to sort it out, I tried to reason with him, but he’s not a reasonable human being and his response was along the lines of he’s going to request to downsize, and he added that he’s going to leave me homeless, because I’m not the one on the tenancy, so not entitled to help! Last time I was homeless I wasn’t entitled to help either!

I don’t know whether I can get on the tenancy as well, he shouldn’t be entitled to anything in my opinion just by the way he neglects this place! This was the place our mum lived and died, I feel like he should be showing it a bit more respect! As usual, I am the only one who seems to care about my mum and yet I’m the one she hated.

I’m just so tired, I don’t want to go on anymore, I can’t keep working six days a week to make ends meet, and this is in council housing with shared costs, if he downsizes and I have to attempt to go private, that’s me on the streets again.

I don’t feel ready to leave my mum’s place, I just really want to get some furniture and clean it up and turn it into a nice family home. Well I guess that will never happen. He hurts me so much and is so spiteful and selfish and then I catch him laughing about it when I’m upset!

I’m so tired, I’ve been through one thing after another the last couple of years, I can’t keep doing this, I really can’t. What exactly am I going on for?? All I do is work! Work and struggle.

My family have always treated me like I’m evil, and tell me they hate me etc. Now my mum has gone, and he’s just carrying it on, but it feels worse. I can’t explain it, it just feels different, I won’t accept it from anyone the way I accepted it from my mum. I don’t want to live with a secret being hidden at home anymore, I don’t want to keep going through this. I don’t understand why I am so hated, and why things keep ending up this way, I guess I am the problem then.

I can’t do this anymore, and my past experiences teach me that there’s no help out there. I was refused housing when homeless, oh sure it’ll be different this time… no it won’t! And HOW can someone even say and contemplate the things he does?? If I’m going to the supermarket I pick him something up, I would never actively plan to see a family member on the street, but he threatens me and enjoys it!

And him saying he’ll be leaving means he will never clean the place up

Well that’s me done in then

[SunshineRainflower]

Wow Alone this sounds absolutely awful. I really think you need to make plans to get away from him (and any others like him) asap because living with someone like that is completely toxic. He is treating you appaullingly and you are definitely not the problem, he is. It sounds like your family has been very abusive and it has made you think you are the problem, which is very common in an abuse survivor.

It might seem hopeless right now but there is always a way out and a better way forward. You don’t have to live like this. Give the helpline a call, CAB and Rights of Women and put a plan of action into place. I would also go to the council and tell them what has been happening and ask if you can be put forward for priority housing.

Alternatives are, if you are in work could you afford a place by yourself? Depending on your income you might be eligible for housing benefit. Do you have any friends you could share with? Please don’t think you have to accept this situation because you don’t. I think the sooner you are away from this man the better, he is treating you like a domestic slave and you deserve so much more. Don’t give up.

[SunshineRainflower]

A few more ideas I have just had: What about being a lodger with a nice retired person or family? I saw adverts for lodgers online when I was looking for somewhere. A bit random but another alternative is being a live-in nanny/au pair. You could even up sticks and go abroad to do this, start a fresh and have an adventure. I have done something like this before and it was so great to get out and see the world. There is more to life than slaving away. Finally, I know a Buddhist centre that has rooms people can rent for a low cost and I think they are all over the country. It’s a beautiful, clean centre and Buddhism isn’t rammed down your throat, and you don’t have to be a Buddhist to stay there. I think all they request is some help with the upkeep like doing a bit of cleaning, but it wouldn’t be to the extent you are experiencing now and you would get some peace and quiet and time to reflect and meet some nice people for a fresh start. Just a thought anyway to give you some ideas. xx

[Lisa]

Hello Alone,

I am sorry to hear how upset you are at the moment. Please do phone the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) or the Samaritans (116 123) for support. Offloading about what you are going through and how you are feeling can really help towards finding a solution when things feel impossible.

Keep posting to us when you can; you don’t have to go through this by yourself.

Take care,

Lisa

[fizzylem]

You are not the problem, its easy to feel this way when everywhere you look each relationship leaves you feeling angst or there’s a problem. It wasn’t until I met other people who are aren’t controlling and abusive in my later years that I could see there are loving, respectful folk out there – these folk enable you to be you, love you for being you. You really do sound like you need a break, some head space, I also think the Buddhist centre may be a good option, you can disappear and get some space to relax and think. You do have options! But atm you need some space to work out what is the best way forwards. Good luck flower x

[Author]

Posts