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The vows of marriage read “in sickness and in health”…
Simply swap the nouns and you get the right sequence.
“till …divorce does us part…”
Because in health or in sickness, divorce is the only solution to stop the hell I live every day. Abuser while healthy, and abuser while seriously sick, what more do I need to endure?
If there is no sign of rationality, why is it I am the irrational one in this marriage for wanting to have a minimum of rules, discipline, help, sense of cooperation and obligation, organisation, sensibility, self respect and control in a large family so chaos does not reign and time and money are used properly to gain health, peace, togetherness, direction, understanding, a beautiful and clean enough house and garden, knowledge in essential skills making you ready for adult life, free time for hobbies and outings, spare cash for holidays and surprises, a sense of achievement and a recognition and reward for good deeds, and the list goes on…
Does the situation I live unsupported and disrespected remind me of The King of The Castle? Perpetually…
So in sickness as well as in health, you would think wanting to see everyone pull their weight (all children here are young adults but one) would be something totally rational of me?
But his sense of entitlement and his escalating abuse is not even influencing him to rethink his attitude patterns…as far as I am concerned, he has burned all his chances with me. There is no space in my head and heart for even a morsel of optimism, a fleeting hope that a minute sense of equality and respect would allow us to look at each other through the depth of this murky ocean of disdain as valuable and irreplaceable human beings who have a duty to be role models to each other and to our children and the outside world…
I am a floating ghost of a woman, a lost spirit full of disappointment, loss, grief for a life I wanted simple, generally as happy as could be, but which I would look back on with a sense of satisfaction, achievement and no regrets. I would have accepted my own sickness, cancer, aging, loosing my parents as something as normal parts of life, simply knowing I was not alone but supported by a husband worth this very name…a husband.
I am on my own upholding values and beliefs I deem natural and instinctive in any human being who thinks and acts with a conscience. I cannot comprehend the deep voids abusers seem to have in their spirits and souls, and I believe that divorce is the only solution because I am in danger of wishing to treat him in exactly the same way as he treats me. I do not wish to let my pain transform into such impossible anger that I loose all the values and beliefs I hold onto so dearly. I cannot find any form of “love for my neighbour” any more, for “my husband” he stopped being years ago. I only see a body, not a fellow human being any more. I have no feelings left, I have detached completely.
My vows were not to “turn the other cheek” to get some more. I never expected to receive a single blow in the first place.In sickness and in health, I need to remain in unison with myself. Or I will never be able to love myself as my final solution.
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