Very confused

[hotairballoon]

Hi ,I have been told I’m in a controlling marriage and that I should consider making plans to leave. It’s hard for me to accept it’s that bad. You see, he withdraws affection and sex from me. And he went as long as (detail removed by Moderator) rejecting me. Then he started giving me affection again if I did something he liked, such as visiting with his mum or doing chores around the house. He denied he was rewarding me with affection, and he says he loves me… I know most women have the opposite problem so I can’t help but have really low self esteem now because I feel so unwanted and invisible.

I am in the country on a spouse visa and done everything to support him for his career including moving to a different city for him. I feel very isolated a lot of the time. He earns a significant amount of money but he keeps it mostly to himself. He keeps us on a month to month rental contract which makes me anxious because we have a baby together. He tells me I should be grateful and happy because he pays all the bills. And I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I know some people really struggle, but it makes me feel childish that I don’t even know about our finances and bills. I do work (detail removed by Moderator) and he doesn’t ask me to contribute money anymore, so I am not sure I can say he controls me financially, but he definitely has taken my sense of independence.

He likes things done a certain way and is very critical of how I do things. He tells me he is only trying to help when he is critical.
He often gets very preoccupied with what I’m doing, eg making a food shopping list or grocery shopping, so he will take over that task from me so that I don’t do it “wrong” and then he neglects things like yard work(which hasn’t been done in (detail removed by Moderator)) or other jobs he could be getting on with.
We attended marriage counselling but the counsellor suggested I should consider leaving him as she said he is controlling.
I try to tell him I want to leave because I am unhappy and no longer in love and he tells me I’m selfish for wanting to break up the family and he won’t discuss separation and instead tries to manipulate me into staying however he can.

I know it’s not as bad as a lot of people have it. I’ve tried so hard to just bite my tongue and stick with it for the sake of our child, but I don’t know what to do. Feeling confused and could use some words of wisdom.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi hotairballoon

There isn’t any ‘set’ way to be abused, the key factor is control, and the consequent reprisals for ‘failures’ to meet the stringent criteria he sets for you. In the end we all feel the same way, depleted, confused, unloved, and all the things you mention. So please don’t minimise what he is doing just because he has his own way of doing it, the end result of the abuse is what its done to you.

My heart goes out to you in this isolated and lonely place, but know now that you have reached out you are part of a community here that do understand, and you must ask for whatever will help, whether its venting about things, or needing practical supports and how to find them, just ask.

I hope you will feel a strong sense of support for you here, and maybe you could continue some support on your own with the marriage guidance person that raised this with you? They see you, see how life is for you, and may feel like invaluable connection to someone irl outside of your isolated world with him and your baby.

He will, as all abusers do, blame you for ‘breaking up the family’, that old chestnut! He’s done that though hasn’t he if you think about it. He’s actively working against family and causing a major breakdown in all connections, you are simply acting on that by leaving, recognising what he is doing and making it a reality, as living this lie is soul-destroying. AT this time, with a baby, you need your own supports around you more than ever, friends popping in, family supporting if they can. Enjoying this precious time with your baby.

I hopeyou can feel you will be happy to keep moving forward with your realisations, taking steps, no matter how small, towards knowing your own future and happiness, for you and your baby.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

You have to remove yourself from this situation, even if you think it will break your heart.
Yes he is controlling.
Yes he is using manipulation tactics, withholding affection at will, dishing out affection at will, it’s all on his terms.
Yes he is using guilt to try and make you feel bad for breaking up the family.

I know how hard it is, but please do leave. I have been in a very long marriage and wasted so many years of my life trying to ‘make it work’. Trying to help him with ‘his’ issues, trying to comply to keep the peace. All because I thought it wasn’t really abuse as he never hit me.

You have to look at the ‘nice’ gestures as the means he uses to keep you there, just enough to keep you hooked and to instill further doubt about your own perceptions.

[hotairballoon]

Thank you both for your support.
I left out a lot of detail of my situation, I suppose in a way because I don’t want to betray him. I really do try to believe he loves me and has my best interests in mind, but I’m starting to see otherwise. I remember he used to ignore me for days on end and give me the silent treatment for silly things like if I made breakfast he didn’t like, or he would just not want to resolve any conflicts with me…The marriage counsellor told me even just the idea that I want to leave and he won’t discuss it and tries to manipulate me to stay is wrong. I’ve tried to leave before … before we had a child. But I came back because he promised me we would have a home and a family and things would be better. But often he only stays on his good behaviour for a week or 2 maximum before he’s back to putting me down and making me feel stupid again. I’m not allowed to make any decisions, even about cleaning products around the house, or choices for our child. He has to approve everything. The last time I told him I wanted to leave I was hoping he could talk it out with me to agree on things for our child, but he won’t. Instead he took the week off work to make sure I don’t go anywhere. Because of my visa it means I can’t just move out into my own place, it means I have to live with him. So it does make me feel very stuck otherwise I would have moved out a long time ago.

[Confusedyetclear]

Couldn’t read this without leaving some type of response, I apologise if it’s not of much use.
It sounds like you are struggling to understand if it is abuse or not… And wow how conflicting is that ! I am sure alot of us can relate to that…bur now you are in the wondering stage it’s hopefully something that you can’t unsee.
It sounds controlling when reading that and feels very much like he is in control even if it is in the context of it makes your life easier in some ways ie financially.
With holding affection and then praising you when you do something he likes… Is so confusing when you are living it yet in reality you are not a puppy to be rewarded and are more than entitled to do something that someone else may not like…
I hope you keep accessing support on here , these ladies have made me consider things I didn’t even realise needed considering. Good luck xxc

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