Very depressed. Wish I wasn’t here.

[IrisAtwood]

I have major depressive disorder, an anxiety disorder and a serious physical health problem. Long history of abuse, including during childhood. My ex ended our relationship several months ago and even though he was very emotionally abusive – including encouraging me to kill myself – I still miss him terribly.
I lost my home when he ended it. I lost my job and a close family member died within the last six months too. I have moved house four times in the last four years and am currently living in a close friend’s spare room as I can’t afford to rent or buy anything.
I have worked so hard all of my life. I go to the gym, I am trying to build up my self employment, I see a therapist and go to a support group. I get up everyday, put my make up on and pretend to be OK.
I have tried to kill myself four times in the last four years. I wish I had succeeded. I genuinely wish I were dead. I keep trying to think of ways to die that wouldn’t look like suicide because I have an adult child who I love. (they live several hundred miles away and we don’t have much contact.)I don’t have many friends and those I do I feel just ‘put up with me.’
I can’t bear the thought that this is it. I am not young, no prospect of another job and I will never be able to have a home of my own. I am lonely, craving physical affection but with no idea how to find a healthy relationship.
Bottom line I hate waking up in the morning and I just want to not be here.

[Serenity]

Hi Iris,

I wanted to send you a huge hug.

Abuse certainly ravages people. Please don’t put pressure in yourself to be ok if, in reality, you are not. Please go and get more support if your current support network isn’t helping you enough.

Is your therapist supportive and are the sessions helpful? I don’t believe all are effective.

I have been left with anxiety too, and a chronic pain condition. There have been days when I have felt like you. Once, I was at a funeral of a friend. I actually felt envious of them for having died. Believe me, I have been there.

I have found relief in radically simplifying my life. I don’t care if certain people find me slow-paced or dull: this is where I need to be at the moment, achieving things slowly. Some days, I achieve very little, whereas others, I can achieve a bit more. I have stopped berating myself for my limited output and tried to replace it with compassion for myself.

I think we can become so dehumanised by abuse and also ill-health. We forget who we are, what makes us an individual, and we get frustrated by our bodies holding us back. We give ourselves a hard time. I think the thing that helps us more than anything is showing ourselves exceptional kindness.

As your energy is limited, it’s even more important to focus in doing the things you love.

There is a plan for you, I am sure. It might not be clear now, but taking baby steps in the direction that you want to go will end up with a result.

Make sure that you do something every day that can be classed as self care and something that can be classed as creative. That is my mantra. It doesn’t matter how fast you move, as it’s the direction that counts.

[Borntobefree]

Hi iris
Want to send you some words of comfort .you are not alone
I suffer from PTSD from abuse ..which stents from such a young age .I’ve been in and out of toxic relationships..
I don’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like ..
I don’t think I could even let a man near me .my ex traumatised me so bad …many times I’ve thought about suicide … I myself feel so alone if it was not for my little furbabie I would not be here he keeps me going .
I’ve never been good at self care or setting boundaries
Till recently .. it took me a year after sofa surfing to find a place that I call home …
You will get there small steps Hun ..
I still battling through each day it’s hard .
Remember you have over come so much …
You can do this X

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Iris,

I read your post and felt very sad, I am so sorry you feel so low. I can relate a lot to your post. I also have suffered on and off from clinical depression, and two anxiety disorders, as well as abusive relationships and a sort of abusive childhood.

I am not surprised you are feeling absolutely lousy right now. Things have happened to you which nobody should ever have to experience and dealing with abuse on top of anxiety and depression is an awful amount on your plate, not to mention losing your home and job too. Please be kind to yourself and recognise that you have been through several major traumas, which were not your fault, and are likely to be feeling extremely fragile.

I have felt suicidal on and off too for about the past ten years. I read somewhere that ‘suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’ which although easy to say, it is true.

I believe that you would not feel suicidal if you could create a bit of inner and outer peace for yourself.

I learnt, after leaving my ex, that most people in my life had not treated me with kindness, and that I had struggled to treat myself with kindness too, being around abusive people who always made me feel bad/stupid/ugly/wrong etc etc. It dawned on me that I needed to start relying on myself for kindness. I often see my inner child and think ‘she didn’t deserve anyone of this’ and think of what she would like. I listen to her and do as much as the things she suggests as possible, priorising my time to fit them in. Some things my inner child loves, that being me joy, peace or contentment:

-Being in nature, such as a lovely woodland walk, or gardening, especially sowing seeds, getting earth on my hands
– Drawing and painting, often things I have found on my walks
– Having a really good stretch, or yoga or pilates
– Swimming
– Singing
– Having a dance around the room to some awesome music
– making myself a lovely fresh healthy tasty meal
– Baking
– Sewing up a fun new project, despite very basic sewing skills
– Hanging out with my cat, or other animals (I used to volunteer with animals which was great)

This is my list, yours might be similar or different. Could you ask your inner child what she would like to do? And then choose one thing to try. It might seem silly but I have found it very a powerful healing tool. We are hurt, fragile children inside that need a lot of love and self care. We sadly didn’t get it from others, but we can always give it to ourselves. I have also learnt that until we have learnt to care for and love yourselves, we will not be able to find love with another person.

I find the more I do these things, the better I feel. Obviously I have good and bad days, none of this is easy. I also write all my feelings down in a journal most days, and ring Samaritans if I am feeling particularly upset and lonely who always help. And therapy also helps a lot, if you can find the right therapist. Have you had any therapy for what you have been through?

Well I hope this helps. Please don’t hurt yourself. I care, we all care.

[SunshineRainflower]

P.S I also think getting your own place, a sanctuary just for you (with maybe a pet?) would really help. Could you contact the council and ask about being rehoused due to domestic abuse? I got my own place last year, my parents had to be guarantors but it has been so healing to have my own place. Just an idea anyway. It could be a fresh start. And in terms of your age, it is never too late for new beginnings. Don’t write yourself off. See if your city has a job club/centre that helps with employment, or a volunteer centre. Mine has one and they are always really helpful. If volunteering appeals look into that too, you will have built up a lifetime of skills and will be able to help others, if that appeals (as well as helping yourself, and meeting nice new people). One of my favourite quotations is:

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been” by George Eliot.

[IrisAtwood]

Hi, I am feeling a bit better today. I have been offered some more work which I am excited about. I have been to the gym and done a long yoga session, done some work for my business and tried to be more positive. When I start to think horrible stuff about myself I replace it positive affirmations.
I do have a cat (she came with me when I left as he had previously threatened to have her put to sleep) and she is lovely. I honestly don’t think that I will ever get my own place, the person I live with is very, very supportive and is happy to have a house share, so its really not as bad as it sounds. I just can’t believe that everyone got something out of this mess apart from me! I feel that I have to ‘suck it up buttercup’ which is the story of my life.

I think I have been working too hard and not having much fun. I used to be really creative and loved drawing and writing, but recent months I’ve been focussed on my business and before that I was being emotionally destroyed.

My ex tried to kill my inner child – he complained about me laughing too much, made sure I knew how worthless he thought art, literature and sport were and I was so tired from second guessing him and looking after him that something went missing in me. I wasn’t allowed to feel anything or express anything. I didn’t actually exist as a person for him. I was just something that took care of him, did chores and he could cuddle when he wanted. So the suggestions about colouring, walking, just having fun are good ones thank you.

[IrisAtwood]

Another bad day. I went out last night to a friend’s house for a meal. She lives around the corner from my ex – most of my friends live close to him. I found it really hard to be in the area but didn’t feel able to say anything because its my choice to visit my friends.
One of them told me that she saw my ex that day in one of favourite coffee shops which upset me. Just thinking that he’s out there, getting on with his life: owning his house, very good income, safe and secure upsets me a lot.
I am the only one of my group of friends who doesn’t own her home. They are all financially comfortable either with secure jobs or a secure pension.
I came away feeling worthless, depressed and hopeless again. It happens everytime I see them, but they are my only friends – and what’s the solution? Go and make friends with other homeless, financially insecure victims? Because I also find being around people in my position depressing.
I just want to not be here. (detail removed by Moderator) I mean it would be easy because I have a serious health problem (detail removed by Moderator)
I am so depressed and I know there is no hope. I have been through the mental health services so many times and they were not helpful. I see a therapist privately and she helps a bit, but only when I am with her. When alone I am very, very low and preoccupied with thoughts of self harm. The Samaritans are good, but again, I put the phone down and am plunged back into hell.
I want my life back and I never will have it back because he and what I thought he was is gone.
I have lost everything and I don’t know how to carry on.

I have just reread this and I know that it is a self pity party and I deserve everything that happened to me. I am better off than lots of people – but that thought doesn’t help either. I hate myself. I am sorry that I am so pathetic.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Iris,

It sounds like what is happening is when you are alone, your thinking patterns return to being depressive thinking, such as ‘black and white thinking,’ ‘catastrophic thinking,’ ‘compare and despair.’ I have had a lot of CBT and one sheet that helped me a lot was one that explained all these different negative thinking styles. I kept a tally of them each time I noticed myself going back into them and noticed which were the worst issues for me.

Just as an example:
It sounds like seeing your friends and hearing about your ex triggers a ‘compare and despair’ thinking mode in you.
Then you spiral down into black and white and critical thinking ie. seeing people as either victims or successful. Then comes the catastrophic thinking where you think your life will never change, and from that point the suicidal thinking sets in.

I can relate these spirals a lot, I used to get them all the time myself and still do at times.

If you google these thinking styles they should come up to explaint them all then you could try doing a tally like I did? Put a mark under each thinking style every time you notice it. I know it might sound silly but it honestly made a big difference to me, it made me aware of how I was ending up so depressed. Compare and despair was a big one for me, as was black and white thinking and catastrophic thinking. None of us go from feeling ok to feeling suicidal, there are always steps in our thinking. If you can catch the thinking style before it spirals I have found it helps to catch it before you get super low and suicidal.

Also watch out for words like never, should, must, loser, failure as these often signify a downward spiral in your thinking.

I am sorry you are feeling so low, I can relate a lot to the struggle with depression. All I can say is, like the Dalai Lama says, Never Give Up. And also, that depression lies. It might seem hopeless, but there is always hope. And life isn’t as simple as ‘losers and winners,’ for example those financially insecure people might actually be quite at peace and fill their days with things they enjoy like gardening and baking and volunteering, whilst some of the people with good jobs and pensions may well be in miserable marriages, hate their jobs and never have time for their hobbies. It is all relative, but depression tends to tell us things are black and white.

Just a practical thought too, could you try out some volunteering helping people worse off than you (or animals or children?) I have found that really helps me gain perspective when I am feeling like this terrible person. It always makes me realise I am fortunate and that I have skills and talents and experience and a lot to offer others, as I am sure you do too. It might also help to make friends with some new people, as well as keeping your old friends, because if you are always around the same people and they get you down it might be time to expand your circle.

[SunshineRainflower]

P.s It also sounds like, your trigger for the suicidal thoughts was going round to your friends for the meal, because if you read your post above that one you are feeling better and list a lot of very positive things going on in your life. If you can identify these triggers and reduce or remove them it might not be a bad idea. Maybe take a break from these friends for now, I spend much less time to no time with people who trigger me like this now (I have several old friends who would trigger me terribly and make me feel like the ultimate loser so I got rid of them and feel much better for it).

[Author]

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