Victim blaming

[bov94]

Just needing to vent.

I have read posts on here about how survivors are very careful about opening up to people about abuse, because of how people can react. I have been lucky in that I have a handful of friends who have been supportive.

However, I recently opened up to someone else in my circle. Both because I thought I could trust them, and because there was some information I thought they should know for their own safety. The victim blaming response has knocked me for six. Why didn’t you get out early then, why did you marry them, buy a house with them, have kids. I’m trying to tell myself they have responded this way probably because they are lucky enough to have never experienced abuse so they can’t understand, but wow it’s painful. Just know there will be people here who can (sadly) relate. I haven’t responded to them. Not sure how. But I will have to continue to have dealings with them.

[BellaBella]

Hi Bov94,

I feel your pain, it’s hard enough to open up without that response! A red flag as far as that person is concerned!

You don’t have to have experienced abuse to have compassion and understanding although sadly I’ve heard comments like that myself and it hurts.

We have to be so careful of who we trust (who knows who is sharing what other information that we are not aware of!) but also develop a little forcefield to deflect such nieveity.

It takes time but I’ve reached a point where I just don’t care what those kind of  people say anymore, it’s better than being triggered or overthinking, we’ve wasted enough time putting the thoughts and feelings of people who are not worth it first, it’s your turn and you absolutely do not have to justify anything to anyone.

If you have to deal with them it’s a shame but I certainly wouldn’t respond, I would actively avoid responding as if it was never said. Something tells me for whatever reason you’d be banging your head against a wall!

Hold your head up high and your middle finger higher (metaphorically of course 😉 )

Rake good care 😊

[BellaBella]

*take good care!

[Cat24]

I couldn’t stand victim blaming. I think they just don’t get it. And social media incels are blaming women for abuse all over after awful influences like Andrew tate.  There are many reasons why someone can’t leave wither it’s financial I.e living crisis or tied up in mortgages etc or violence escalates I.e stalking , criminal damage or worse and let’s face it we don’t want to be carted half way across the country to hide when our lives and support network are in our area .

There isn’t enough consequence for DA thats the issue. There are so many things victims have to navigate to escape to build a new life and sometimes we think it may be easier to just stay . Or it is like trickle effect abuse where they slowly get worse over the years and it can take a long time. Many many reasons they don’t get.

Example I had never experienced addiction in a partner or abuse so when he let the veil of pretence off I did not know who to turn to or what to do. They also hide things and lie so when you think you’ve communicated your concerns and they’ve taken it on board,  they in fact are just hiding stuff and it goes straight back to abuse.

I also remember someone saying to me ” why would he stalk you when your not a model , he could go find someone else” . I had to explain it was about control. They didn’t get it still. And I think it’s because they wouldn’t act that way so why would others ..pretty much what I was like prior to being abused.

I wouldn’t reply because no amount of explaining gets through. It’s something only survivors know. What helped me was meeting more genuine kind people outside my normal circlr of friends and in fact I entered a workplace and turned out 6 women had also suffered DA so they just got it .

I’d take a deep breath and just put it down to the fact they’ve never experienced it and if they ask again just say ” you wouldn’t understand “.  Take care you got this

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I had also never experienced abusive people until my husband, so I completely agree with you that it’s really impossible to understand abuse unless you’ve been through it and it’s really difficult to ‘get’ why on earth somebody would be like that. It’s alien completely to normal people and there’s no reason why they would believe it or understand it.
I’m ashamed to say that if I’d never been through it myself I think I would find it tricky to get my head round.

There’s a lot of education and enlightening needs to be done, about the strange trap that these relationships are and also I think, about the smear campaigns afterwards. I think these do so much damage.

I’m slowly finding that I’m stopping caring about people who victim blame, victim shame or side with abusers ( whether this is by supporting them or just staying ‘neutral’) and it feels really powerful to dismiss them and really not care about their naive and stupid stance. The people who DO get it are so much nicer and more fun to be around.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Actually, it’s not impossible to understand abuse unless you’ve been through it, I take that back!! But it is difficult and takes really listening to what people who’ve been through it are saying.
We shouldn’t waste any more time worrying about what others think, I agree, but maybe need to talk openly and explain and answer people’s questions, when we feel safe to do so, while somehow maintaining a force field so that their reactions or opinions roll off us.

[Author]

Posts