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That’s how I feel. (detail removed by Moderator) in September. But don’t feel like celebrating as most of my marriage has been abusive. I have been working lots…H working away…haven’t seen him for a while. he rang D though yesterday and told her he didn’t think the course she was planning on doing was a good idea. Why be so negative? Did he have a better idea? Told D that she should go for the course and her dad was just being a bit ….himself…negative.
My job is going well though without him being here. Just me and my D in the house. Son and H both living with H parents…whilst he works and S at college near to his grandparents house. S is happy in the old town but I hope all is well with his relationship with his dad….not that Son will tell me.
Its weird…H not being here….with his negative input…..how do we adjust? And what about when he comes back? Do I be honest and say….Lets call it a day….or shoud I just keep going as I am…seeing him part time…..at least until this house which we jointly own is sold.
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I suppose that its up to you as to what you feel works. I know my last relationship was so toxic it had to end, there was no choice really. Not having all of that negativity in my life feels like Christmas most days. Obviously life is life & there will be ups, downs and challenges of your own, but these are more manageable when you dont have an abusive man in the picture. X*X
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You probably try to manage the best way you can, just as I do.
My own husband is away part of the week too because of work and mainly due to a serious medical issue that took place which meant lots of “reorganization” to arrange going to work.
That means I can breathe during the days and nights he isn’t there.
But to me, it’s just one indirect way of coping. It stops me acting. I make do, so to speak, but it doesn’t solve the problem. When he is back, the situation is still the same. And I play the grey rock and have started going out a lot more or I simply go to my bedroom earlier to stay away from him.
It’s unnatural, weird, not good for my kids. It’s not family life. It almost resembles a life as divorcees, I avoid him, I learn to parent totally independently, I dont ask for anything anymore as it leads to arguments, I have given up and procrastinate in a situation of total no action, but I try to enjoy what I can during the day, I know it’s ridiculous but…
My solicitor will hopefully give me details about my finances this week, behind his back I try to find out how I could live. It sounds selfish, calculated, cruel maybe, but I need to know. I am getting to an age where I should slow down, not build a career, so my choices are based on my health and general physical condition too.
I too have my kids who live with me, and my husband also tries to discourage my daughter about her course. He parents by texts…it’s awful.
So I understand your state of mind. Completely. Sometimes it’s about tactics, and sometimes it’s about your own limits, how you and your kids are affected, how a divorce would affect you, it’s one of the biggest decisions in life.
Then there is that sense of freedom from abuse which calls us, there are issues affecting our kids and their emotional well being.
But while my husband is away, I know my kids are generally happy with me, we get on well apart from the attitudes they have learned from their dad. And while he is away, habits take over and I lull myself into my sense of physical comfort, knowing I have everything I need…
I am getting too old to make a sharp change, I am used to him. But I have also learned so much about abuse, n********m, co dependency, cognitive dissonance, the lot!
My tactic is to avoid him, but it affects my kids and deep down my own well being. It feels like a game of dodging cars at home with him…adaptation isn’t always the answer because it further damages you. It’s just coping, it’s not being yourself for you nor your kids.
You have to decide if you want to call it a day or not. It is so hard to decide…take your time, just as I do, one day you will have that revelation. It has to come from your guts, very deep down.
I do know how you feel… -
Brigit J I F thanks..yes, you sound just like me!
he brought me a card and flowers for a certain special event. I cried when I read the card. All how much he loves me and would love me forever. How I am beautiful inside and out. The card was lovely but just 24 hours later he said….he didn’t know if he wanted to be with someone who could make such bad choices ?? Totally throws me….even now…even after all this time.
H went back off to work and I wont see him for maybe a week. He send me text saying he cried driving away and that he realises its not about location. Its about being with me.
I feel like you. Too old to make a drastic change. I am used to his funny ways…and not so funny ways. he knows there are limits now…that I will and HAVE walked out on him. He knows he can only say so much and he is trying to be a better person. But my trust has gone. I forgive but to trust him. No.
He can flip any time. I could go back to the old town and live with him and he would be probably mostly ok…like you…I would keep out of his way. Our Son keeps out of his way too…doesn’t even watch a football match with his dad. Which is sad. but…..I know hubby could just flip over nothing…start ranting…raving…about little things….this situation at the moment works for me. I can see him part of the week only. Then he is gone.
But it cant go on forever. Soon this house will sell…once it is finished….then I will have to make a decision
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Hi Jennaflorrie, maybe age makes change even less appealing but in a way also more pressing. Maybe it’s time to make a really good choice for yourself. Your children are older so you won’t suffer the stresses of child arrangements. Why not find out how it feels to live rather than just cope? OK the weeks in between are better when he isn’t there but do you not have a sense of dread and anxiety around the weekends? I think a lot of women stay longer in this situation because it is more manageable than coping with them every day, but you deserve a life beyond managing xx
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Thanks Peaceful pig
I don’t feel dread….because H has calmed down a lot. but he comes back and brings all the negativity with him. Starts moaning about my family and saying how terrible life is. I spoke to my brother and he confidentialy told me…..”Don’t live with him again. Stay where you are….you have family around….don’t go back to the old town with him…..to buy another house with him there would take a big leap of faith in someone who cries crocodile tears and though trying to change CAN flip still”Wise words from my brother.
Newest thing is….his parents….have offered to sell their house and use the profit with the profit from this house ….when it sells…..to buy a big property….they would have their own annexe. I could end up with no mortgage.. His parents are very nice. Kind. But still mean being with H all the time.
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