Want to get lost forever

[Mellow]

Hi I really am struggling I finally found someone who went through almost the same thing as me in my community not that this forum isn’t helping it is but I feel like the abuse I endured was a little different anyway to the point we were chatting for hours and without me saying anything she said I had been emotionally abused and he was n**********c this again confirms I was abused in that way but the thing is those courts do not believe me even with the threats I’ve had from him and it’s making me feel terrible that I’ve to just hand my kids over the compulsion is getting so strong I feel like running away and leaving and I’m even thinking of ways to escape all this .inside I am crying and because I’ve been through so much I feel like my memory can’t take it all in so sometimes I forget things then I start to think what happened to me.?I’m feeling like I wish he hit me more or even broke my rib then I won’t have to put up with these emotional scars that no one can see.i want to take my kids and leave even though we don’t live together I don’t want to be here where he knows where I am and still controlling what I do with my kids

[minimeerkat]

dear mellow, its good that you found someone who went through something similar. this, although you wouldnt wish it on your own worst enemy can be a comfort, making you feel less alone. but please dont think that there arent others here who also understand how this type of abuse affects you. ive heard it called ‘soul rape’.
maybe we didnt actually discover the extent of their betrayals, but we knew it was probably going on behind our backs. the degree of deceit & endless lies from these abusers leave you needing professional help to try & recover.
prior to this type of abuser, i was in an extremely violent marriage. due to the nature of his work i would be reminded whenever he left the property ‘dont forget i have a …’ – so i was scared for my life. but i can tell you without a doubt that this relationship did not do the damage that the covert abuser did. not at all. yes i know it may be easier for others to sympathize & understand violent relationships, but mental/emotional/psychological abusive relationships are truly horrific.
regarding the other post, i said only the other day the very same thing about seeing the name & it causing panic attacks. and the hell of receiving emails etc from solicitors etc trying to sort everything out – knowing his name would be mentioned again & again. yet the embarrassment of having to try & explain this and just how much damage these abusers do to your mental health. who would really understand this?
i am in an area where i feel completely isolated & alone. surrounded by his family & gossips. not being believed by anyone. how were we supposed to ever get the truth out there when the abuser was busy portraying himself as mr wonderful – & then afterwards ensuring everyone was told that he was the actual victim in all this?
it may not be word for word, but many will understand the emotional hell your abuser has put you through.
stay strong & keep going until you finally get the support you need. you are so lucky to have your children mellow & their love for you can only help giving you much needed strength right now.

[Marmalade]

Mellow,
I read your distress across your various posts and I really urge you to go back to your GP. I think you said that you are already on medication but I think you need to access some help whether that is counselling, medication or anything else suggested by the GP. Another alternative is Bloom offer counselling which I hope you can access.
The past is totally consuming you and you need to find a way back to the strong independent woman you really are. I have been there, totally caught up in the emotional turmoil of my experiences and unable to move forward and it is a really unhealthy place to be.
Through therapy I have learnt about ruminating, going over and over experiences and caught in a downward spiral which means the present is totally wiped out by the past. I was told ruminating was terribly bad for moving on and mental health.
So some techniques I was told. When caught in a vicious circle of memories, focus your attention on something else, maybe something innocuous like an orange or a chair, anything. Then put all your attention into looking at that object and seeing every bit of it. It will hopefully distract you.
On a general level keep busy and distracted. The future now is you. Your past does not define you. This all seems v v raw but it will get better. I never thought I could move on, but I have.
Running away from court orders won’t help you and could make the situation worse for you. The last thing you want is allegations of child abduction and court orders against you.
I also read your post about name changing and your child saying they would change their name at 16 because they know how hurt you are. Mellow, your children with your ex are really young (you have told me their ages). This is a conversation well beyond their years.
Good luck. I know how tough this is and you feel like it will always dominate your life, but it can and will get better with time and help.

[StrongLife]

I understand this. It’s difficult with them there and highly stressful.

not sure if you are with a domestic violence service who can help you with safety. Please be safe.

 

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