Wanting to leave

[FreedomSearcher]

I’ve put off writing this so many times as I don’t really know what to write.

I met my wife and was completely caught up in what I now believe was love bombing. (detail removed by Moderator) We got married very quickly after meeting. Once I had started to tell people (and essentially been forced to ‘come out’ in order to tell them) she changed. She went from being outgoing and friendly to not being able to do anything without me too. I wasn’t allowed to do anything without her either. She didn’t like me seeing or speaking to my family (she had turned me against them briefly, but luckily, we are super close and they forgave me); most of my friends she doesn’t like and those that she does like she was contacting saying it was so I didn’t need to. I know there is a family trait for cutting people off.

She ‘accidentally’ used to click on my messages when borrowing my things and would question me on everything and on what people said or the words they chose to use. I used to volunteer at (detail removed by Moderator) but she had to come too. She won’t work for free, so it became really awkward and I stopped going.

I stupidly went through with the marriage as I really wanted children and have done my whole life and she wanted to be married first. I thought it was the wedding and her nerves that were making her behave strangely and that things would go back to how they were when we first met. Before she met me, she used to go and play sport (detail removed by Moderator), which was perfect for me. I was looking for somebody strong and confident who had their own interests so I could carry on my own interests too. Since meeting I can count on my hands how many times she has been to play sport and most of those only because I had to (detail removed by Moderator). I used to work away (detail removed by Moderator), but she didn’t like my group of friends and said (detail removed by Moderator). I said that I’d never ask her to give up anything she loved, but her reply was always that she would be happy to as she wouldn’t want to do anything that made me unhappy. Part of the problem was that one of the guys there had a crush on me and she didn’t like that, but she goes to see her ex and wants us all to meet up at some point, which I don’t mind as we are all adults and I trust her.

When I do see other friends I generally don’t say until after as she tends to then spend the time messaging to say how awful things are for her. I have told her and she then says, should she keep her feelings quiet. Obviously, I’m not expecting that, but the only way to stop her ruining it, is for us not to go anywhere or do anything so that she doesn’t miss out. I went to an event with my LO and a family member. Because I hadn’t offered the information that the family member would be there she was fuming when I got home and asked if they had gone. I said yes and was told in the future I can go to things, but my LO would stay with her and I’m not to take them. So I don’t go to things.

Her moods flip in seconds, from fine to angry and back to fine, so I feel like I’m always walking on egg shells. But any problems are always down to (detail removed by Moderator) or me (detail removed by Moderator). I’m pretty sure I was gaslit recently as she made a throw away comment about how I was during the Covid lockdown. My only problem then was (detail removed by Moderator).

I had some bad experiences when I was pregnant with them all being turned into being about her and her feelings and there were a few big things about the birth that she was very clear about what she wanted. When challenged after, she said they were all jokes. During the actual birth (detail removed by Moderator).

Once LO arrived, I wasn’t to go anywhere without her as she was terrified about what she would miss out on. It’s been a fair while now and it’s still all about her. Whenever LO is hurt she shows no sympathy or empathy for them and LO is basically a little dolly to play with and pass back when she’s bored or to take out and get attention from/from others. I am made to feel guilty that I am my LO’s mum and have to compete for it. If LO is hurt, for example, I have to stay out of the way for her to deal with it.

Typing this, it all seems silly, but these are just a few examples. Lately, she knows things aren’t right and keeps doing nice things, like picking up a nice food treat or if she asks what I’m doing that day I will tell her and she will say to have a nice time (but more often than not start sending texts whilst I’m out). I never know what time she is leaving for work or if she is even going in.

I left before, but went back and she told me (detail removed by Moderator), but I know she won’t.

I was so ready to leave a few weeks ago and then I got too nervous. And she’s been in a good cycle which makes me question myself even more.

Am I just being selfish and finding reasons to go so that I don’t have to share my LO? She says I never let anybody have them, but the first thing I do when we see people is let them play with LO and have done that since their birth. I worry that it’s me. She has been told she’s not controlling because she always thinks of the feelings of others, but it’s more she thinks about what they will think of her, not how they are feeling. Health professionals and DV charities have confirmed her abusive behaviour to me, but I still question am I just interpreting everything in the way I want to, to fit my agenda?

I really want to be free now with my LO, but how do I do this in a good cycle? I just want to pack up and go, but am I then reinforcing her fear that this will happen? Will this affect her finding a more suitable relationship in the future?

So many questions.

[Anonymous]

Hun there are so many read flags in your post, she’s manipulative (as in isolating you from people, clicking on “purposely” to your messages, encouraging you away from things you like) she had no right forcing you to come out before you were ready (such a huge thing) And yes she’s been gaslighting you, she’s being doing it quite a lot in trying to convince you she cares for your happiness (she doesn’t she cares for only her own) she wants complete control over you and all aspects of your life, she very n**********c in her attitude and entitlements, I don’t think it was the fact she disliked your friends it’s the fact they could’ve been an influence in you leaving or being away from her.(detail removed by Moderator) (helps to know what you could be dealing with to counteract their tactics) but yeah she probably saw the green light when she pushed you into coming out and decided there and then everything else was fair game for controlling with you, the love bombing is a weird over the top too much too soon thing (almost like an actor/actress) trying too hard to impress, acting as if your more close than what you are (when you barely know this person) they basically jump waaaaaaaaaay too many steps ahead, but we’re so glad you posted, she’s definitely 💯 an abuser, if you want to get out you can contact women’s aid, if there’s a baby involved there are going to be challenges with her because of the way she is from what you’ve already wrote, but don’t let it stop you from leaving (if that’s what you want and have a right to for yourself) but her aim is having her own life/freedom doing as she please while having complete and total dominance over you, your your own person with a right to your own life 🏳️‍🌈

[Anonymous]

Also I’m not sure if you’ve phoned this one but it’s the lgbt women’s aid line connected to galop (not that it makes a difference abusers all use the same tactics but if your more comfortable)it’s 0300 999 5428 x x x

[FreedomSearcher]

Thank you so much, Auriel, for what you have written. It really does make such a difference to read it. I’ve made a promise to my LO that as soon as we can, we will be out. I’ll fight whatever I have to, but once she realises what hard work a baby is, I’m not sure she will want that anyway.

Thank you for Galop’s number too. I have spoken to them and they were great too x*x

[Anonymous]

Well done (I did think you might’ve phoned them already 😉) yeah she’s being nice as manipulation (they sense something in us that’s pulling away or they find something showing we’re trying to get out/communicating with others)it’s just tactical don’t usual change, keep in touch to let us know how things are (if you want to, we do love the posts where abuse receivers are leaving/left it gives hope to the ones wanting to do the same) 👍🏻🎉

[Hereforhelp]

Freedomsearcher, it is not you, you’re npt over sensitive or making a fuss and this isn’t a silly post… you are in the right place as your wife is being very abusive. You are not responsible for her feelings or future relationships. You are responsible for yourself and your child. You have already tried to leave and if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells then there’s something very wrong.

I understand leaving whilst she is in a good/nice cycle can be worrying however what’s the alternative… wait until she becomes more abusive? You do not need anymore reason to leave, you have listed so many abusive behaviours.

I worried about getting out at the right time, took me attempts…. I stayed far too long and now that I am out I wish I had left sooner… my children are teenagers, they remember some things from when they were little…

Have you got professional help in place as support will help you?

You ask if you are being selfish… the fact you are concerned about wife’s feelings shows how kind you are… you also sound empathetic, is your wife? I ask as most people who abuse are not and they tend to blame everyone else for their wrongs or mistakes.
Keep posting ❤

[FreedomSearcher]

Thank you Hereforhelp for what you have written.

You are so right! I don’t know why I had it in my head to wait for the downward spiral again. This alone has really made me feel stronger about going asap. Thank you.

I don’t want my LO having any bad memories. My only worry is whether her behaviour will transfer onto them, but I will fight as much as I can and make sure we have a relationship where my LO can be open about their worries and anything they don’t like.

Professional help? I have my parents and have spoken to an advisor at Women’s Aid (who was great) and somebody at Galop. Both were really supportive, but I’m not sure if there is any other kind of help I can get.

Thank you again x*x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Freedomsearcher, has anyone mentioned the freedom programme to you? (I will PM you about this). Mostly abusive partners do not separate in a healthy way, they use tactics to keep you such as… blaming you for ‘breaking up the family’, they act like they are the victim and you are at fault… the list goes on… what I am trying to say is if you are hoping for an easy separation as once you explain why she will understand right? I haven’t heard of one abusive partner who has owned their 💩 (including my own ex).

My 2 are teens, they display some of the abuse they picked up from my ex, i am dealing with it and have got them help (which is taking forever as NHS stretched 🙈). I had to stop contact as their mental health was on the line.

Google triangulation, this is a tactic abusers often use, they include the child/children. Some try to use the child to gain entry to the home (when not agreed).

Once your wife senses you are really meaning it to break up she is likely to up her abuse, blame you, emotionally manipulate you, she may use a past trauma (that’s a common tactic) … Trust yourself and your gut not what she says ❤

[FreedomSearcher]

Hereforhelp….. We are free! My little one and I are out. I know it is all going to end in a nasty court battle and I noticed on another thread that you had said you would contact the poster about zero contact. Would you mind messaging me about your experience too, please? I need to do all I can to keep my LO safe.

Thank you SO much for your support. This thread was one of the big things in helping me and my LO to leave. I have some great support and although it’s been really hard and I’ve double questioned myself many times, I absolutely know this is the right thing to have done for me and my LO and that life can only get better……. I’ve even been able to see friends!

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