Wanting to leave but never taking the next step

[Drainedallthetime]

Hi, I’m new here and never done anything like this before so this message might be a bit all over the place, not to mention there are endless stories to tell. i am just looking to get some advise. i have been in this relationship (detail removed by Moderator) now and currently bringing up our little boy together. I’m at the point where i understand everything he does is wrong and no one should be treated this way, the name calling, the abuse, his outlook on how I’m the woman and he’s the man so i should show him respect do as he asks and wants if i like it or not, i should answer when spoken to which is more like shouted at and belittled. everyday there seems to be something new to argue about, more questions on where i am, who im with, how long im going to be even though he knows im working, he wants to know my every move from the point of leaving the house and its mentally draining. he will moan about my parents contacting me on a regular basis to find out about me and her grandchild etc, and it becomes a problem because he doesn’t have that relationship with his family he finds it weird that they speak to me as much as they do. he blames me for his behavior highlighting its me who mentally abuses him and its all my fault that he treats me the way he does that if i just did as he said and be quiet when he kicks off, don’t argue back don’t speak up then he wouldn’t act that way which i don’t believe for one second. he refuses to get any help on one hand and on the other he explains how when he gets angry its no longer him. hes currently been sleeping in my house even though he has his own place and causing hassle with neighbours too.

i will not go on as i will never stop but i just want to know is there an easy way out of his, he says he will make my life hell if i leave and i have to think about both me and my son. im so confused i hold onto all the good and the second he calms down and is back to normal i also continue to act like nothing happened. i have never done anything about it because i also dont want to hurt him or do any more damage to him that hes already had in his life. is this normal? hes more than horrible to me yet i still find myself protecting him and its frustrating.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi drainedallthetime, welcome to the forum, I am so glad you joined as you’re in the right place.

What your partner is abusing you in so many ways, the red flags are all there. It is good you are seeing his behaviour for what it is, abuse… it is wrong and there’s no excuse for him treating you like this.

Him saying you are abusing him, they all say this… they act the victim once called out for their disgusting behaviour these men do tend to take on the roll as victim and excusing their behaviour due to past trauma, alcohol etc… all untrue as nothing causes someone to become abusive, that is totally on him… there’s no point in talking it over as he will deny, deflect and blame everyone else rather than take responsibility for what he is doing.

It IS him who gets angry, he can control it, he is chosing to treat you this way to keep in control of you.
Google trauma bond cycle, it is a powerful bond which releases the same chemicals as addiction… that’s why it is so hard to break…

it takes on average 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship and once your partner knows you are wanting to leave he will act accordingly (he may go into victim mode or become more controlling/demanding, he may pester you for more sex.. even if he senses that you do not want sex).

Can you ring your local Womans Aid, see a trusted GP? Or message citizens advice bureau (I emailed CAB and they were helpful and discreetly supportive).

It takes time lovely to untangle.. if he becomes more aggressive speak to the police (I went to my local station one day and told them what has been happening, it was scary to go in the station, I felt I was doing something wrong against my husband (who I had shared half my life with, i had (detail removed by Moderator) of trauma bonding.

Also, read up on Domestic abuse… Pat Craven Living with the Dominater is a good book to start as is Why Does He do that by Lundy Bancroft.

You deserve to be happy and live abuse free, no matter what your partner throws.at you to make excuses for his behaviour. Does he treat everyone the same way he treats you? I bet he knows how to behave when outside or around other people?

Ypu are very brave to take this step and post on here, keep posting ❤ life can get better xx

[Drainedallthetime]

Hi, Thanks for your response there’s some good advice to take on. will definitely look up trauma bonding and read more into that. in terms of speaking out to anyone, i always refrain from it one as i think hes used his childhood trauma as an excuse so much that I’d feel terrible for putting him in a position where he cant see his son or he has nothing (even though its his actions) id still let myself take the abuse over him being unhappy sand secondly because i know if i was to tell the whole truth it would be a different story and social services, police etc would get involved. I have already had ss out before to which i said nothing has happened and everything’s fine, i have also documented things at the police station not by choice but because he had (detail removed by Moderator), i carried on to work and he (detail removed by Moderator). sometimes i feel like its easier to stick than have to take on the stress of leaving as i know its going to be hell when i make that transition, not only for me but for my son who at the minute is going through a stage of wanting dad all the time. at the same time i hate the thought of not having him around as when its good it cant get any better but when he gets angry its a completely different person. I’m still very young, want to have more children etc but i know thats not even an option with him so essentially im putting my life on hold while he agrees to get his head sorted but never does

Its not just me, its anyone who does something he doesn’t like, small or big. e.g (detail removed by Moderator). if someone so much as looks at him the wrong way, makes a comment he doesn’t like or acts a certain way he snaps and i get so embarrassed it seems like we cant go no where without having issues. i’m quite quiet and reserved or so i have come to be, i dont enjoy being center of attention so to be in public and have someone bad mouthing you while the world is watching is the worst thing ever let alone behind closed door.

i am just not sure how to make that break, mostly because i am not ready. If i was ready i wouldn’t care so much about going to the police or making it known as i know his behavior is unacceptable. Will i ever be ready or am i just going to have to put my feelings for him aside to do whats right, i dont know…

[Hereforhelp]

Ps… he is trying to isolate you from your family… do not trust a word he says … maybe keep a journal, I found a journal helpful when I was where you are.

If it is your home get free legal advice (free 30 min consultation with a DA trained solicitors). Help is out there ❤

[Drainedallthetime]

Hi, Yes i get that one minute he likes my family and doesn’t mind me being around them and next minute i’m seeing them to much. my mom called me at (detail removed by Moderator) in the morning after returning from holiday and it caused an argument because why is she calling me so early, why does she want to speak to me so much he even says maybe you should go out with your mom instead.

i have more than enough documents, even years worth as i started secretly hitting the record button whenever he became angry, never written it down, he would find it and it would be another thing for him to argue about. however i cant seem to break away and i don’t know why and i feel crazy for it. seeing similar situations in my own family i would say to myself why would you put up with that i wouldn’t let anyone do that to me but here i am years down the line allowing it.

[tiredanddrained]

Your partner sounds like we have been dating the same person. He said is he in a relationship with me and my mum when she seen him flirting when we were all out at a pub with other girls. They say this so there is nobody around to notice their bad behaviour and so they csn get more control. I’ve finally asked mine to leave. You will eventually get to a point you can’t take being let down anymore with his promises to change. Coming on here is a great step. It can make you feel like your going crazy. I started writing down on a text each time he would shout at me, call me names and accuse me of cheating etc. I never realised it was happening monthly. When he was his nice version i loved him so much but he would always change back to Mr Nasty whenever the mood took him. I’ve had neighbours call the police that im getting domestically abused with his going on tirades of rage shouting at me calling me names for fear he will hit me. Which he has too. Kicked, pushed, grabbed my face n squashed it. Lately he would run at me with his fist clenched but not actually hit me. I actually thought at least he was getting better because he held back actually hitting. The thing is i seemed to feel sorry for him more than myself. Just like you. I seemed to care more about him than me and my safety. (detail removed by mpderator) However when i looked at this close he doesn’t shout at other certain friends of his so he is actually in complete control of chosing to do this. It’s not bpd. Ive since found out i am codependant and trauma bonded as i truly loved him. Look up codependant. Normally as a child you were the one in the family who tried to make everything better. I believed he acted like this as he was so in love he was insecure n didn’t want to lose me as he called me his soulmate. Ive since found out through Clares Law he has a conviction for emotional abuse to previous partners and causing injury to 1 therefore looks like i wasn’t so special after all. I would suggest maybe contacting Clare’s law to see if he has ever done this before. I really hope you manage to feel better. Don’t feel bad for loving him or forgiving him it is becsuse you are a very good person and it is hard to give up Mr Nice as your in love with half of him. Sadly though they normally don’t change these men (detail removed by moderator)

Take care and sending love and hugs to you lovely. I am sorry your going through this. It is horrendous. X*X

[Drainedallthetime]

Glad you replied, it makes me feel less alone hearing other people that are experiencing the same. I’m sorry that you’ve had to experience everything you have but so happy to hear that you are taking the steps and getting out because it literally seems impossible to do and I’m constantly asking myself why can’t I just leave, after reading up about trauma bonding I actually smiled at the realization that it sounds like I’m experiencing that and and actually made me understand more into why I feel the way I do. I have tried talking before to people to get some support not by telling the whole truth but so many people who are not in the same situation just say get out you deserve better etc which never really helps. I will have a look into codependent too! It seems like a constant battle I also did the same noting how often it happens and there’s been times like recently where it’s as much as everyday unless I give in to having sex then he’ll be happy and loving for a few days but in that time I’m still walking on egg shells wondering when he’s next going to lose it, working around him to not agitate him in any way or do anything that may set him off which is completely draining as I never get time for myself. 80% plus of the time it’s me watching our son, he can’t cook so that’s down to me, he’s out doing his own thing with his mates and expects to come home to a spotless house, dinner prepared and everything just how he wants it, even when he takes out son out he will say I’m taking him out so you can tidy it’s never so you can relax or take some time to yourself it’s like he pick an chooses his time to be a parent all while treating me like I’m nothing on top. When I have even mentioned leaving he says I’m not allowed it’s not just my choice as there’s two of us it needs to be a joint decision. I’m slowly accepting the fact he will never change but that doesn’t change my feelings towards him I just can’t bring myself to take the next step.

Thanks again for reaching out sending love and hugs back xx

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