Wanting to leave with baby

[Kookee]

I have been married for just over a year now
My husband is emotionally abusive, gas lighting, subliminal belittling/degrading character assassinating, he fails to acknowledge anything and it’s always me who is wrong and has the problem. He stone walls me and he refuses to be intimate with me because it’s my fault (removed by moderator) therefore he can’t bring himself to have sex with me. We have a baby (removed by moderator), I’m so worried what will happen to her when I leave. I don’t want her to have much to do with him. I want her to be with me, she’s still a tiny baby. He has threatened to take her abroad still to visit his home country (removed by moderator). I don’t want him to this. I don’t want his sisters replacing me as her mum. I’m a good mum and I love my daughter so much. I’ve been subjected to what can only be described as a nightmare of emotional abuse for a while now and it makes me feel I want to cease to exist sometimes as I don’t want to be feel trapped anymore. He tries to make me feel I am deluded and he doesn’t do anything to harm me. He constantly calls me (removed by moderator) and there is no reasoning with him at all. It’s never his fault it’s never his doing and I am never justified in my reactions, when he pushes me too much and I react he then blames me being emotionally unstable. I’m just terrified of losing my daughter. I want to know my legal rights to my baby as her mother, and I don’t want her to be subjected to his abuse even though it’s so hard to prove because it isn’t physical.

[Kookee]

I should give background and say that it was a whirlwind romance getting to know him and he put on a lot of facades to which I believed at the time, once we married he changed.
He knew what person I was and I didn’t change but he is the one who has changed what he seems acceptable now and what he doesn’t. I drink alcohol a little, a glass of wine with dinner etc, he knew this when he married me. (Detail removed by moderator) He said he doesn’t have a problem with me drinking but now we are married it is a problem, that’s just one example of how things have changed. I’ve been fighting so hard to make this work and I’ve been crawling to him at times, I just can’t take it anymore now. I loved him but now I wonder what I loved about him.

[Lisa]

Hi KooKee,

First, welcome to the forum. I can see you have only just started posting.

Understandably you are reaching out here for validation and support, as it is clear the man you married is very emotionally and psychologically abusive as well as controlling. It no doubt is a challenging time for you, trying to process all this emotionally and then understand your options so you can make some very important decisions.

An ideal service to start engaging with is your local domestic abuse service. They provide emotional and practical help and advice. They will talk through all your options with you so you can get clarity on the best way to move forward.

You mentioned being concerned with child contact after leaving. Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Their Family law advice line can advise around domestic abuse; divorce, finances, cohabitation and property in relationship breakdown; parental responsibility and child arrangements. The Coram Children’s Legal Centre provide free legal resources with advice and information on all aspects of family, child and education law, including relationship breakdown; parental disputes, duties of children’s services; child protection. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480 (8am-6pm, Mon-Fri). You also expressed concerns of your child being taken out of the country without your permission. There is a legal order you should be able to obtain called a Prohibited Steps Order, that could prevent him from doing so. Do talk this through with the legal services mentioned above.

I hope this information is useful and you can begin to move forward safely with your son. As you have said, there is no reasoning with him at all, so try and just focus on what you feel needs to happen next with the help of the above services. The women here will completely understand how you are feeling, so do keep posting and soon I’m sure others will come forward that can relate.

Take care,

Lisa

[Nomorepain]

I just wanted to send support. I am further along the road than you, but (removed by moderator) months ago, I could have been writing that message. I have (removed by moderator) children and my ex made me terrified that he would go for full custody etc etc! I think the point when it all started to change was when I accepted that this was abuse, which you’ve done! And when I reached out and contacted local domestic abuse support! They made me realise that the threats that my ex was making was part of his control tactics. I am now out of the relationship! I took my children with me! Just wanted to tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel! No one will take your baby away from you. These men use our children as a weapon, when they know we are becoming stronger and they can no longer control you in other ways. Xx

[Author]

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