Was anyone unfaithful to their abusive ex??

[Fallingleaves]

Hi, I’m writing because I’m having a real wobble (obsessive thoughts, panic attacks) and could really do with hearing if anyone else has experienced anything similar to my situation.

for background I left my ex a good number of years ago. I gave up drinking ((timeframe removed by Moderator) years sober) and have a loving healthy relationship (although it is difficult as still feel I have to hide it because of my ex and his post separation abuse) My ex has also been “calm” for a long while now and is co-operating with children matters etc (we have 2)

years ago, before we had children, I was stuck in a horrible cycle of drinking , depression and seeking out validation and emotional connection outside of the relationship because he was so detached, I was fearful of him and felt like he didn’t “like “ me, all the classic stuff.
Sometimes these were emotional affairs but a few times things became physical (which I’m well aware is morally wrong!!)

there were some particularly traumatic events involving one night stands which I have no or very little recollection of (past the fact that they happened) one of which was with the ex of (person removed by Moderator) which she found out about and was understandably angry about. At the time I just felt terrible about it but in hindsight I was too drunk to have been in that situation and feel so violated by a person I would never have looked twice at in normal circumstances. My ex didn’t find out about it at the time, although I suspect he might know something about the things that happened. I bumped into a relation of the (person removed by Moderator) and although she didn’t say anything I could feel she knew and her vibe was very off with me. It just sent off an explosion of guilt about the past and suddenly it’s all I can think about, like it happened yesterday and I’m so much fear about my ex and whether he knows or if he doesn’t, will find out.

I feel so traumatised by it all and can’t seem to give myself a break. Even though I can understand how I ended up in the horrible situations and I wasn’t completely to blame I then just tell myself I’m making excuses for what an awful person I am.

i just feel like I’m the only person in the world in this situation but I’m sure I’m not.
it always seems to be the abusers in relationships that are the “cheaters” so it also makes me feel like the relationship problems were me and not him 🙁

I feel like I don’t even deserve to live or be happy which I know is not reality, my self worth suddenly feels so low from the guilt and shame

can anyone relate to any of this at all, or have any advice on how to move forward, I’m really struggling

(I do also think I need to see the doc re obsessive thoughts, I already do everutjing I can to manage, therapy, exercise, being sober etc)

Thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to read!

[Fallingleaves]

Just to add, I was doing ok previously so it’s not like anything has actually changed in the grand scheme of thing apart from the feelings this has brought up.

also, I just feel the need to explain myself to people, to be understood, but I know that’s not really a sensible or necessary option

I also just feel so sad as I know all my horrible actions came from a desperation to be loved by my ex and I still feel like I don’t want him to be hurt by me or to be disappointed in me, which I know doesn’t make sense given the way he’s treated me

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Fallingleaves

I am sorry you are struggling with so much that previously you felt you were managing fine with.  These things have a nasty habit of bubbling up don’t they, especially just as life is on a more even keel and we starting relaxing and feeling safer.

The chaos that we leave behind can take a while to unpick and process and can so easily overwhelm and hit hard.  Be as gentle with yourself as you can during these phases, the brain can get on with processing a lot without us necessarily having to actively do anything, it’s just a roller-coaster whilst it’s going on isn’t it!  Look after yourself during such times, do as much relaxing as is possible in any way you can find, don’t overstretch yourself and do all you can to be involved with the people and activities you most love.  Anyone that’s been through abuse has lived with chaos and the high anxiety that goes with it, often meaning we do stuff that’s very out of character, but, at the end of the day, abusers abuse, and the survivors just have to survive it as best we can, our choices get limited, and we are often in desperate places, try to let this stuff go. It takes time, but you can find your answers and come to a place of acceptance of your own personal chaotic experience and your reactions to it. It’s normal to feel bad about any bad stuff we do, and we have to come to terms with it, whatever it is.  Remember, survivors are not perfect people, we come in all flavours!

warmest wishes

ts

[Fallingleaves]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, TS. Wise words as always. You’re so right. I had a good talk with my therapist today and can see things much more from this point of view.

whilst not excusing myself completely I can look at the bigger picture now and see why these things happened and how situations where we’re so stuck and fearful so narrow our options and lead us to places we might not otherwise go. It’s all about survival I guess!
looking back on how much I was drinking etc then, I think I hadn’t processed how traumatic it all was at the time, and now that I have the distance and sobriety it’s time to process the uncomfortable feelings!

must remind myself that life is very difference and I’m not that same version of myself.

thank you again for your reply, so helpful xx

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Your post is really complicated and there’s obviously a lot of background that you haven’t gone into.

If i just take your post on face value though it sounds as if you may be saying that you had problems with alcohol. Maybe you were an alcoholic?

This must be really tough to live with, but you saw the problem and took the really tough decision to change your behavior ( give up alcohol).
that’s not nothing. That’s a difficult decision and shows a strong person who is capable of self reflection and contrition and change.

Many people have been alcoholics ( AA groups are full in most cities, there are a LOT of people who go through this). And, for what it’s worth, massive numbers of our favorite people, stars, musicians, actors, artists and chefs, creatives of all kinds have been alcoholic and we don’t dislike them for it.
All of them probably have shame filled memories of the unregulated behavior that came from drinking too much. I guess it comes with the territory.

I think one of the main problems which I brought with me from my abusive relationship is that feeling that I can’t make any mistakes. That heavy burden of the abusers ‘rulebook’ that I must live by. I can’t be a normal person who makes mistakes and isn’t always controlled and perfect.

I hope I haven’t misunderstood what you’re saying. But, my reply to you is, yes, maybe you were a mess, maybe you did act badly and make mistakes. You’re not the only one. Welcome to the human race!
Whats important is that you are capable of recognizing that and changing. Xx

[Fallingleaves]

Thank you EvenSerpentsShine, your reply was so helpful.

yes you understood it correctly, I had a biiiig problem with alcohol, I never really called myself an alcoholic but that’s what it was. I was still managing to function in society (just about!) but my alcohol use controlled and coloured everything I did. It was my coping mechanism and my best friend at the time!

I have to remember that I managed to give up for exactly the kind of reasons I’m talking about, and that means I won’t be repeating those same mistakes anytime soon. The trauma just feels so so overwhelming sometimes. Ultimately I’ve realised I’m still just so scared of my ex and the way he can make me feel.
what you said about not being allowed to make mistakes in an abusive relationship makes a lot of sense. I’ve let him and other people off for so many things, yet can’t seem to give myself a break for doing something wrong. Like I have to keep punishing myself over and over!
going to do my best to find some compassion for myself back then. Thanks again for replying, it really helped xx

[spiritedaway]

@Fallingleaves I will message you

[Fallingleaves]

Thanks so much for your message, have replied xx

[sunshineLollypops]

Yes actually I did and it kind of kept me in the cycle of abuse because I felt like I deserved it.

You are human and you made human mistakes.

you need to try and work on forgiving yourself and moving on, is not easy but it’s possible.

[Fallingleaves]

Hi sunshineLollypops

thanks so much for replying with your experience. That sounds very similar about making you more stuck in the relationship, that’s what it felt like for me too in hindsight.
we are human and made mistakes in a difficult situation.
You’re right and I’m  going to do my best to forgive myself and move on, what’s the alternative, I certainly can’t go on beating myself up forever, it’s unmanageable!
shame and fear are just such strong emotions aren’t they.
Hope you’re doing ok too and thanks again for replying, it was so helpful xx

[EvenSerpentsShine]

We all have loads to learn about forgiving ourselves, and cutting ourselves some slack. You are so right about the fact that when we’re in an abusive relationship we seem to spend our lives forgiving them, for all sorts of horrible actions, words and intentions. Yet the tiniest thing that we do ‘wrong’ is remembered, recycled and re-used to flay us for eternity.

[Author]

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