Was it abuse and rape?

[Photographylover]

I’m just looking to get peoples opinions on this situation.

My ex boyfriend and I dated for (detail removed by Moderator) and during that time he became very controlling. He used to constantly put me down, belittle me and make me feel useless. He’d stop me from seeing friends and family, and he developed an obsession with checking my social media as he believed me to be cheating on him, which I wasn’t. He used to make feel worthless and that I had to ‘earn’ his love and attention. During our relationship he used to self harm, he was bulimic and he would regularly tell me that he would severely hurt himself if I ever tried to leave him. I felt totally trapped in the relationship, but I never spoke up about it because he always put on such a kind and loving front, when he was with other people.

With regards to sex he was always the one to initiate it, never me, and even if I didn’t feel In the mood, it was expected that I would put out for him. He liked to use derogatory language which made me feel uncomfortable, but I felt like my views didn’t matter and so I’d always cave into the pressure he laid onto me.
Most of the time, I would start of by saying no, and then giving into him, because I couldn’t predict his behaviour if I didn’t. He then started to be more rough and put his hand over my mouth or my throat as if he was ‘pretending’ to choke me. I hated it! but I couldn’t physically tell him, so I just lay there in silence and take it, he would carry on regardless of my silence.
Even when it physically hurt me and i’d tell him I was in pain he’d make comments about ‘I wont be long’ or ‘I’m almost done’- which was never true, and so again id just lay motionless and accept it. It was easier that way. The way my thoughts and views no longer mattered to him scared me.
But I never felt able enough to do anything about it, I probably didn’t verbalise myself enough or do enough to physically stop him.

Was his behaviour that I described above abusive? At the time as much as i hated it, i just accepted it and did nothing to fight back or walk away. But now i’m away from the situation I think I’m starting to see him for what he really was.
And also, was it rape though? I never fully consented, but equally I could have probably done more to stop him, but I was scared.

I feel daft for brining it up now that I’m not with him, but these thoughts and feelings about my former relationship are stopping me moving on with my life.

[KIP.]

Hello, can you ring the rape crisis helpline. They were great. I always ask myself would he have done these things in the early stages of the relationship. No. They wait till they have you hooked in and then the real nasty person appears. In my opinion it’s rape. Mine raped me too but it was just another form of abuse. In the early stages it’s all consensual and they behave normally. If the sexually assaulted us right away we would run to the police X

[Velveteenbun]

That literally sounds like my ex. He would check my phone and social media. Even now I get paranoid leaving my phone around pmy new boyfriend. I go to the bathroom and panic trying to think if there is anything in it that he could misconstrue.
I remember one night we tried bdsm and it was awful he really hurt me and I couldn’t make him stop. It was horrible. He used to badger me constantly and go off in moods if I refused.
He used to call me derogatory names and its funny you used the term put out because he used to use that.

[older lady]

Sex that is coerced is non-consensual. It is not acceptable to be an unwilling participant in a sexual act. The statistics show that women are more likely to be raped by someone they know than a stranger because of the use of coercion through the relationship. This ‘relationship’ has been traumatic for you on many levels. The moment you reveal the control it becomes apparent. People don’t ‘control’ each other except in emergency, out of the ordinary events. You think you didn’t do enough to communicate with this man. But I ask you, in a non abusive relationship, aren’t people looking for consent, don’t they care about equal commitment and enjoyment? You have suffered this and you will come out of it hurt and affected and somehow have to live on, and heal, and be willing to leave the wasted years behind. There is no meaning in it. You just have to move on, towards a healthier alternative. And, yes, you can fight for justice. Xx

[WalkerInTheRain]

PhotographyLover, in a sexual relationship yes isn’t a yes if you were too scared to say no.
He used coercion tactics, manipulation and violence against you for his own sexual gain.
I’m quite sure whatever you’d have done to make it clear you didn’t want to have sex, he’d have found a way to break you down.
Please don’t think you’re daft, far from it and even though you’re no longer together you are completely valid in how you are feeling. Without question he abused you. You’ve made the first step. Consider phoning the helpline, they can offer more advice and may be able to point you in the direction of support services in your area x

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