Was it abuse or was it me?

[Comingbackstrong]

Hello, I’m new here, I wanted to reach out because I feel like I’m losing my mind a little bit. I don’t even know if I suffered abuse or whether it was just my fault. Everything seemed to be usually. During the relationship he did at first put me on a pedestal and I felt euphoric so much love and I fell in love with this person. (detail removed by moderator) he cheated and then dumped me out of no where for a few days and then came back saying he didn’t mean it he would call me a (detail removed by moderator). He would then go back to being nice saying he didn’t mean it, I kept trying to push past everything and think it would go back to how it was I told him I was feeling depressed and he laughed at me and told me to leave and then he cheated again literally the next day. (detail removed by moderator) looked after him he told me at this point I had proved i loved him but he still cheated. I would do ha shopping clean his house take his children out help his family help his business and I just felt like I was existing some how. I lost a baby in the relationship (detail removed by moderator) I cried and broke down and he laughed in my face. He would ring me 24/7 and message me 24/7, after we broke up I blocked him on everything and he started emailing and ringing me off no caller id everyday showing up at my home and house calling me names asking for presents back and just basically torturing me i couldn’t move on I rang the police eventually (detail removed by moderator) I felt like I hit rock bottom and I just cry constantly I can’t get out of bed some days and I have overwhelming anxiety now there’s silence. (detail removed by moderator) Which has messed with me head even more as it’s now gone back to silence. I know he’ll be with other people yet that’s all I can think about why end it like that why message me asking if I’m ok, am I the one who is the abusive one if I’ve been asking to be left alone and now I have I don’t know what to do? Did I make him this way? Was how he treated me normal? I loved him so much and I think I still do tbh I’m trying to hold it together I’m trying to go out and do things I enjoy and I’m trying to live life normal but my mind is overdrive and I can’t stop thinking about everything and over analysing it and ultimately blaming myself. If I hurt him with no contact this much whilst he was fighting for me as much I’m hurting now then that makes me a really awful person like he said I was. I only ever tried to improve his life and make him love me as much as I thought he did in the start. Everyone said i should feel relieved because he was awful to me and was trying to take me away from my family but I don’t I just feel lost, I feel like I’m wanting to message and ask him for answers but I won’t because I don’t get them anyway, I just feel lost. Completely like I’m never going to be happy unless he’s giving me attention even though it’s not very healthy.

[Phenomenon]

Hey Comingbackstrong,

I’m sorry to hear this happened to you. I have been through a similar experience and also been told that “it is my fault that they are like that”. It’s awful and I really started to believe it. They also began the relationship with an insurmountable amount of ‘love bombing’. Just throwing love everywhere and I also felt euphoric. Like I was so special and lucky. That soon changed however and I was always waiting for the person I fell in love with. It never came.
Please please remember there is NO excuse for abuse and that their actions are a reflection of thim. They are to blame. I am slowly learning how this is not all my fault. You are worthy of love. Not toxic love. Real, heartwarming happy love. I also grieve the perpertrater. I miss them and can’t at the moment see my future without them. This in itself is a symptom of emotional abuse.
Read this next sentence out loud. ‘I am love, love is me.’

I really feel or you and I hope things get better I really do.
You have strength.

Take care and know, this is not your fault. X

[Coogeebee]

Hi sorry you are feeling so bad.if it’s any comfort I am feeling the same. I left after (detail removed by Moderator) years (detail removed by Moderator) ago, I have moments when I actually think maybe it was me? Maybe I am exaggerating? But deep down I know what I’ve been through. My ex has now started to go to a domestic abuse for men counsellor. He cannot see that he is the abuser. I feel really hurt and angry that he is yelling his lies to everyone. We all go through so many emotions but have to keep sight of the fact that we have made a move towards healing just by leaving which takes huge courage! I keep getting asked why I didn’t leave years ago. I haven’t a clue and I can’t turn the clocks back I can only go forward and so can you.

[Author]

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