Washed up.

[older lady]

Hi,

I’m not new; I’ve been here before, but many years ago.

The man who ruined my life for nearly two decades (my daughter’s father, whom I didn’t live with) died from natural causes, and so I’m free. It’s been over a year, but I’m still in a state of shock, spending too much time in bed with the curtains drawn.

When he got ill, and after he died, I wanted to distance myself from the abuse and present a more idealised version of my relationship with him, since he couldn’t psychologically harm me, but all the horrible truths about the way he was with me, what he did to me won’t go away.

I feel washed up and can’t seem to find a way to get motivated to get out of bed and live my life. I don’t trust my life will be good.

[Lisa]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing this, and I’m so sorry to read you’re having such a difficult time at the moment. It sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot so it’s understandable you’d be struggling.

Have you had any counselling or therapy for what you’ve been through? Counselling can sometimes feel quite painful for some, but it can also be really helpful to work through the abuse you’ve experienced. Your local domestic abuse service might be a good place to start if not as some will offer specialist counselling.

Please remember you’re not alone; there are others here on this forum who will have gone through similar situations to what you are experiencing now. Try to be kind to yourself, and give yourself time and space to heal.

Do keep posting, and keep reaching out for help.

Lisa

[Watersprite]

Who would want to face the horror of abuse. Yet somehow we have to accept it to move forwards. It’s normal to deny it to keep the image you presented to others perhaps for years like me. A smile can mask a lot. Now yes you are free so you are now beginning to process it which is so tough. Please reach out for support – womens aid ? Your GP? Keep posting you are not alone. Take care x

[older lady]

Hi Lisa and Watersprite. Many thanks for your support. I have had support in the past, but it’s been many years, so maybe I do need to get some extra help now. I thought the relief of being free would be enough, I counted away the years, every christmas. Yes, I’ll think about what other help I can get, especially with my not sleeping. Thank you, again x

[nbumblebee]

My heart broke when i read your post.
Im still here with my not so nice husband after well over 2 decades I cant leave. Im a mess I really am I go from he hurts me to no its all in my head. I dont like myself at all Im not a nice person I cant be.
But I pretend I put it all away and just pretend.
It isnt good for you i self harm im a total screw up.
But ive asked for help i have a counsellor and a PT instructor who dispite me still fighting them still refusing to open up they are still there for me.
You are not washed up not to me to me you are brave and incredable for having been through what you have yet still you stand. Yes its hard yes there are days you cant get out of bed but here you are owning it accepting it.
Time now for you. As hard as it is its time now to reach out get some help for you.
Take care of you xxxxx

[older lady]

Hi, nbumblebee

Thank you for your supportive words. Although I didn’t live with my daughter’s father, he was never out of my life. He could have access to me because we had a child. I think I hated myself, for being in this position and attracting a man who treated me like this. I was only ever nice to him, so I couldn’t understand why he had to behave like this to me. I think he wanted to drive me mad, or break my spirit. He said he would destroy me, and he nearly did.

I pretended too, all kinds of things to me, him, everyone else… whatever kept the situation safe. It wasn’t a normal life. I realise now that being free isn’t the end goal; it’s being free of the effects, and getting self and life back. You’ve asked for help, and I’m glad that you have some supportive people, and please know that you’re not alone, that you’re not a mess or a screw up, it’s what’s happening to you that’s screwed up. Please remember that. It’s the abuse that’s screwed up. I used to think of his behaviour as his ‘crazy-making’ behaviour and him as the ‘crazy maker’. It’s them, not us. x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you.
I hope you find some help you really do deserve to heal.
Take care of yourself sweetie x

[Author]

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