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In the last few days, I have tried to have a different mindset.
Our abusers believed that they ‘deserved’ everything- special treatment, freebies, everyone’s time and energy.
Whereas we were left feeling so rubbish due to their treatment, and they resented us being happy, that we were brainwashed into thinking we were ‘bad’ and didn’t deserve anything- peace or happiness.
Even after the abuser has left, we can still walk around with this belief governing our subconscious.
We all deserve to start every day afresh and to enjoy life. This might appear a simplistic comment, but really it isn’t. So many of us are walking around post- abuse feeling that ‘enjoying life’ is the last thing we deserve.
Maybe our abuser was punishing us for his childhood. Maybe he had derogatory beliefs about women. Maybe he was governed by envy or jealousy. Whatever, he had no right to impose that upon us.
We will make great strides when we go back to believing that we deserve peace, that life is to be enjoyed, not merely endured.
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I was reading recently I think on the refuge.org website that 30 women per day attempt suicide because of domestic abuse. We can never ever underestimate the trauma that we are left with but there is a shining light at the end of the tunnel with help and with increased awareness and help from women who have survived and thrived this nightmare. We can change things for survivors x
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Serenity, you have hit the nail on the head. I realised this, theses past couple of days. For the past six months I didn’t think I had a future, I couldn’t see a way forward and hated myself so much, I just felt numb and disengaged from everything. I just didn’t see the point in anything anymore.
My mindset has just turned around though, it’s like something his just clicked into places because of three things. Firstly I found my old phone that I haven’t used since I left as he had linked it up to his computer and read all of his cruel, game playing text messages. They brought such strong memories back and clarification that I no longer blame myself whatsoever. He did do all those things and he is the one whose to blame, not me.
The second thing and most significant thing was seeing that horrific fire in London. The poor people who died didn’t have a choice but I do and I realise how lucky I am that I’ve got that chance to start my life again.
Finally I realised that he can’t control and punish me anymore. My new life doesn’t include him whatsoever, he’s my past and my future is for me and my children.
He can try his damndest to try and stay in my present,(detail removed by moderator), which is his last grasp at control but I am in control of the effect it has on me. Even the smear campaign is now a positive, friend wise it’s cleared the wheat from the chaff.
I’ve put things into perspective, I thought constantly how much everyone hated me and saw me as a crazy unstable liar, exactly what he wanted me to think. In reality he has a couple of friends, the rest are aquatances who serve a purpose to him and I don’t give a stuff what they think.
I know this journey is a roller coaster with emotions all over the place and that the bad dreams won’t just stop. I’ll still have bad days just not everyday from now on. As women we carry the burden but we shouldn’t, it’s their shame not ours. -
Hi Nina,
That’s it! I feel exactly like you!
It’s such a release when it clicks, you stop the self-blame and the self-hatred, and you realise that you can and should be at peace with yourself, that whatever he has said and done, even continues to say and do, your life is too precious to let him drain one more minute.
I am still struggling at times regarding my children, but as far as he and I are concerned, he means nothing to me. His words are like water off a duck’s back. Like your ex, my ex doesn’t really have friends, he has people who he uses. What a horrible life he has.
Well done, Nina. I’m glad you’ve broken through.
To other ladies: with enough support and self- compassion, you will get to this point. You’ll realise that no human being has a right to put another human being what we were put through. x
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Hi Ladies…Im with you all the way…yes it is challenging to have this internal anxiety and dialogue always digging into our past…and it is tough to get over these struggles. however your right piece by piece to shift our thinking & confidence & perspectives…without them having any part of it!
What I’m finding is I’m better doing…not constantly obviously!
…I can talk myself into and out of things because of the anxiety. Now I if I have a day on my own (& know Ill sit indoors dwelling on the past)
I get on a bus (+cheap!)and go somewhere different, or whatever, just to get out! so not in the same space…I’m moving physically & mentally.
Not focussing on other people so much and trying not to let comments get to me… instead looking more at the world, people living in other places living different lives…the bigger picture!
Its helping me find my place & perspective..sense of self, not so narrow and introverted (as in that awful relationship) much better for healing a more gentle holistic approachCx
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