Weekends are difficult

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I left my abusive ex over a year ago but I’m still struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD symptoms and finding work (and family issues). I’ve had an ok week but as usual my stomach lurches when I think of the weekend. The past year or so I almost always spend it entirely alone. During the week I go to a couple of volunteer projects which I enjoy and the people are nice. But I’ve not made any friends there with people who want to meet up at other times – everyone has their own families and friends already. I also am usually busy with doing housework, some exercise, working on my self employed venture and going to a couple of appointments during the week.

But the weekends are just so empty and depressing. Many times I’ve gone out to something on my own but it always leaves me feeling extremely disorientated and depressed being surrounded by couples and families.

My ex is still on my mind almost every single day. Mainly it’s my brain replaying incidents of him either ‘being nice’ or being abusive. I remembered this week that a domestic abuse worker on the phone once said that what I had experienced in the beginning was ‘grooming.’ In my mind the relationship at the beginning was wonderful and I recall feeling so lucky so to remember that it was grooming makes me feel physically sick and extremely disorientated like I can’t trust my own judgement. At the time I was particularly impressed with how domesticated he was – he always had a really clean and tidy house, and he used to get up early to make us a nice breakfast, and at weekends he’d always suggest we go to places I liked. It’s still so upsetting contrasting this with when he started to get increasingly abusive because it was just ALL SO CONVINCING IT MAKES ME FEEL SICK THAT IT WAS ALL FAKE. My previous boyfriends had always disappointed me so it’s like he figured out what I was looking for in a partner and pretended to be that at first. I know people here will understand as they all seem to behave in this pattern so thought it would help to talk about it on here.

I was just looking for new cafes to try (I find it helps to take a book or journal to a cafe to be less isolated) and one was near his house on google maps and it made me feel sick and gave me a flashback of all the many journeys I made to and from his house. At that time I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA I was being groomed or that he was this abusive psychopath. I just thought I was like everyone else in a normal relationship.

Part of me would be happy to be single forever because a lot of the men I’ve dated just seem to want a domestic-sex-slave and I’m not willing to put up with that. But I can only cope with being single if I have a full life, work I don’t hate/actually enjoy, friends, involved in the community etc.

I keep meaning to look for more projects and groups and things to get involved in so this has reminded me to do that. If I could find just one thing to do at the weekend that isn’t on my own I think it would help. The past few weekends I’ve got so low I ended up ringing the Samaritans. They are amazing and I’m so grateful for them but I don’t want to have to ring them every weekend, it’s not a long-term solution.

I have found two part time jobs to apply for at least. I’ll send off my CV and see what they say. I think that would help although they are also weekday jobs. I don’t need much social interaction but I just want to have a few friends and feel more part of the community with more people to talk to and meet up with.

Well thanks for listening, it helps to share about these struggles on here as I have found experiencing domestic abuse to be one of the most painful isolating things I’ve ever been through and I am finding the after-effects of it are making it difficult for me to move on and create a happy life. I do now have a therapist but I don’t feel that comfortable with her. She is trained in domestic abuse and understands the dynamic but I don’t get much validation from her or empathy, it feels more like she looks at me in a patronising pitying way which does not make me feel good. But she is free and the only current option I have so I feel lost and depressed about that too.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Sunshinerainflower

There no denying it often feels overwhelming, contually unsettling,demoralising, and just hard as hell to get through.

I hope you at least got some relief from writing it all down; our experiences of the fall out from it seem all so similar to have somewhere to come at least tackles some of the isolation.

Yes, the ladies at Samaritans have held my hands through many many nights when I feelni just cant deal with any more. Always kind and caring. Make sure you get something from your counselling if you don’t its better to stop as if this someone isnt validating your expeiences it can take you backwards.

I am sad that there are so many who can’t help that just won’t give up!

Whatever you can find that you enjoy, do it. Hopefully your money allows you some freedom to coose what you want.

Keep at it love, were all with you on this.

Warmest wishes ts

[Flowerchild]

Think back to before you met him and remember what you enjoyed doing. Are you crafty or sporty or artistic? Can you set up a weekend project like making a skirt or a cushion or painting a chair or planting an indoor bulb bowl? If money is tight, you could try the charity shops for raw materials. You might find an exciting book or two to escape into, or a cookbook to inspire some baking or meal planning.

Old magazines can give you inspiration, or Pinterest is free. You want to be looking forward to what you’re going to achieve at the weekends, not dreading them. Me, I’m going to be making angels from rescued packaging materials!

Flower x

[Anonymous]

Hi, Feeling alone and isolated is not a nice feeling. I felt like this for a few years and when I was in my abusive relationship. Even in a room full of people I still felt alone. Maybe it is a case of trying to heal now on a deeper level. Like learning to love our selves and do stuff that we are passionate about? I really hate the thought of anyone feeling alone like this 🙂 so just to let you know we understand and are here to support you. At the moment the thing I feel most passionate about is this subject. There is such a gap in good councellors for DV/ people who have lived it. Although I have a job I love Im thinking I might channel my energies in to retraining, helping people who have been through this. Just do something even if it is small. I suppose we have been given a blank page to fill, so why not use it to our advantage xx take care and hugs. If its any consolation your not alone xx

[Author]

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