What am I good at?

[Sad and alone]

Funny how this question keeps being asked of me recently. When I’m constantly told I’m no good at anything he’s then asking me what am I good at. And not in a nasty way, not as part of an argument. He’s putting it as a genuine question. I just say I’m not good at anything. That’s all he tells me. Even when I’ve said before I can do xyz as I’m  good at it and how I was good at my job doing it when I was working he just says straight away how I’m terrible at it and it’s just who I am. How great he is at it. What does he want from me? You can’t tell someone they’re stupid and a moron and no good etc etc and then expect them to think they are good! Whatever I said would be belittled or disagreed with so what’s the point. I don’t even know who I am any more to know what I’m good at.

[NotYourMaid]

This hurts to read. My husband doesn’t do that, but… during our entire relationship, even when things were good, (like at the beginning), he only gave me one compliment. And the way I finally realized that he was emotionally abusive, was because I asked him for a compliment, he got mad and stayed mad for several days, stormed out of the house, and I had to beg him to come back, and apologize.

My self esteem is completely shredded now, and I too, don’t know what I’m good at. I realized it’s gotten to the point that the questions, what are you good at? What do people say about? What compliments do you get?

All those questions just hurt. They fill me with dread and I don’t want to answer or even think about them. Because to me the answer is, nothing. I’m good at nothing.

I feel like I relate to what you’re saying.

[Chillijam]

Sounds like a d******d… Your good at plenty, your good at putting up with his s**t for one. You don’t need his validation because you won’t get it. He just wants to make you feel worthless so you depend on him and so you never get ideas above your station if thriving on your own. I’ve never met you ai don’t know you but I still know that you are good at lots of things. Take the job you know you were good at it, because you were. Just because he says you weren’t doesn’t make your feelings and your self belief wrong. You are amazing because everyday you wake up and ai presume deal with everything life chucks at you x

[Sad and alone]

Thank you.
Yes there are constant comments alluding to the fact he thinks I’d perish without him. He tries to do as much as possible all the time, I think just so he can say he’s done everything and question what I’ve done. So simultaneously bigging himself up as a great guy who does everything for me and putting me down as someone who does nothing.
Always says he’s trying to “help” me, whether doing something physically or imparting some great knowledge that I should listen to for my own good.
I truly think he thinks things would fall to pieces here without him and it unsettled him on occasions he realises I could get along just fine. He doesn’t like the thought of me being more independent, despite the fact he talks the talk and says I should be.

[Cherries]

I feel like, for so many of us, taking the time to find out who we are (and what we are good at) ourselves would be hugely beneficial. Not something that relies on outside validation…but our own validation.

If we can know who we are and our strengths and weaknesses, and own it all, then I feel we have a chance at not being rattled by outside forces so much.

A therapist asked me once, what do you like…and I couldn’t answer. I could only answer what I didn’t like. I spent so much of my life bending to keep everyone else happy that who I was was completely lost.

I’ve been with abusers my entire life, in one way or another, parents and partners both. I’m working towards leaving the last one now and it WILL be the last one. And as uncomfortable as I know it’s going to be I am fully intending to ‘date’ myself. I’m going to find out what I like and I’m going to do it, good at it or not.

F*ck some blokes approval.

Really when their sense of self relies on making someone else feel small how important is it that they think you are good at something or not?

I bet there’s loads you’re good at…even if you didn’t find it yet because you weren’t allowed to.

Remember if they have a need to be superior that automatically makes us Inferior. We don’t have to believe that though but we do have to look inside for the girl that went missing along the way x

[Author]

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