What do I do?

[Stressy Me]

I have been married for years and have 2 teenage children. He was my first love, too young. Gradually but from very early on he became jealous, possessive and controlling. Although it’s not extreme I have changed my behaviour so as not to upset him. If I went out with friends I would meet up with him after. Then if I went out with friends he would make me feel bad by taking the children out to somewhere I would have enjoyed going with them too. Or if I had plans he would make plans last minute and leave me with no childcare. He had an amazing stag do in (detail removed by moderator), I had a c**p one locally. I have not gone on trips with my children and sent them alone with other parents. I’ve paid for trips with work friends then pulled out and lost money. All this while he used to go yearly with male family members abroad for long weekends leaving me with the children- once with a toddler and baby. He’s been on far away stag dos and stayed away for work courses. I’ve just shrunk back into my little shell, have hardly any friends and do nothing. I have no hobbies outside of the house. I feel like Cindarella…all I do is go to work,cook, clean, do laundry over and over and over. I have little control of my finances. He went too far (detail removed by moderator). I was off and he came home and asked if I’d been out. I said no, then he asked again…’have you been to a friend’s?’. I’d been to the GP and wasn’t going to tell him. This is when I realised hat he was checking the CCTV on the house to see if my car was there. I have tried to talk about it over the years. He says he knows he has a problem, he behaved for a bit then reverts back. If it’s jut us it’s great but iy’s got to the stage where I have absolutely nothing to say to him because I only see him. I’ve come to the stage now where a couple of weeks ago I felt like I was going to explode. It’s making me physically ill. Now the kids are a bit older I feel he can’t use them against me. I already have so many regrets, so many things I didn’t do because of him. I don’t want to waste the rest of my life. We live in a big house with nice cars and people think we have it all but I would be happier in a little semi with less ‘Cindarella chores’. It’s all material. If we still lived in our old house it would be so much easier…financially I could afford it alone. I had an opportunity to separate years ago and I think moving to this house was part of the ‘fixing’ of things. It’s only made it worse. Now I’d have to sell up and uproot the kids. I recently saw a therapist who has confirmed that my current mental health is due to my husband. He’s not usually nasty, I just get given the silent treatment or snide comments like ‘You don’t know how other men think’. I’ve had enough. Although I have feelings for him they have changed.
I need to know what do I do now? How do O sort this out? I’m going crazy in this house!

[Bananaboat]

Welcome and I’m sorry you find yourself here. Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s’why does he do that’ or pat craven’s ‘living with the dominator’ – both great places to start. It helped me to process my life, see it for what it really was, which in turn gave me the strength to start planning to leave. WomansAid and Refuge both have online chat functions and telephones if you can contact them safely. You only get one life so you deserve to enjoy yours going forward, good luck x

[Stressy Me]

Bananaboat thank you. I’ll look for them now xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey,
I am here too. Very similar to you so very similar. Nice house etc teenage kids and a husband who wont allow me out who controls every aspect of my life who is nasty cruel and a bully.
Its not nice is it not nice at all.
The good thing is you see it and you are here.
Well done its a big step and you are now not alone Have you anyone you can confide in? I know its a big step but things are so much less scarey less crazy when you can talk it through.
Womans aid chat can also help you talk things tbrough or even your GP? You dont have to go it alone. Read as much as you can so you understand the cycle and what he does etc that book as above is amazing and you will learn so much. X

[Done-with-this]

Hi
Very similar here too. He lets me go out (isn’t he kind!) but tells me not to be late, don’t go here or there as they’re not good places so it looks though he is doing it because he cares about me. But I can’t relax as I know I’ll soon start getting messages – nice at first then increasingly aggressive then when I get in I’ll be shouted at and called names which the kids hear. I’d happily live in a small two up two down but worried about the kids as don’t want to risk messing them up especially as both are at crucial points in education.
The books recommended are great as I thought I was being over sensitive until I read them. I’m not there yet but am determined to stick to a plan to get out one day – you can too x

[Stressy Me]

Done-with-this OMG you sound like you’re in a similar situation. I’ve even been looking at houses and dreaming…a nice little end terrace or semi with a small garden. I could decorate it as I like and he couldn’t tell me what to do. I think the house is an additional problem at the moment. How the hell do I go about selling? How do the finances work in the meantime? How would this affect the children? He left for work as usual today and he just carries on oblivious to how I feel. I don’t want to bring it up again and have an argument and things be even weirder. I feel sick all the time.

[Stressy Me]

This morning I told him exactly how I feel. The reaction waa expected. He doesn’t really want to do anything about it. For effect(detail removed by moderator) spare room and moved his things there. He’s (detail removed by moderator) about something. He’s not eaten today and feels (detail removed by moderator). I’m not reacting to his sulking and wanting sympathy. I’ll ride this out and see what he does. I have enough support to get through regardless…watch this space!

[Plodding]

Hi similarities for me too . I found I was changing my behaviour although Iv only re realised this . He would always be moody sulky and I’d be on edge in a (detail removed by moderator) evening when I came back from the my (detail removed by moderator) class . I couldn’t understand it but now I can see it was probably me going to the (detail removed by moderator) . I really struggled to bring up me wanting to meet friends through fear of a stroppy response about money which I now think he used to make me feel bad about going out . I often would put friends off or at no be issue if him to avoid the conflict .
Atm it’s but about the going out that’s the problem it’s changed a few times since then . If u read why do they do that it talks about the control tactics being different for everyone . Some can go out and do what they want but others it’s can be about abuser having to win every argument for example
It certainly sounds abusive behaviour . Def call your local w aid service
Take care x

[Anonymous]

It’s an unhealthy pattern he’s got going on and in my own experience with someone I used to be with they change for a little bit and stop their ridiculous nonsense but then revert back, you just need to think about whether you want this for the rest of your life because you can go to the ball and have a better life maybe catch up with people you once knew but if you look into pat cravens freedom programme you might find (like an ex of mine)he comes under the character of the jailor, good luck with whatever you decide 🤗💝🤗

[theocrat]

I find myself here reading all your stories as I am so so sad myself.
I read stories for hope and inspiration.
You are all an inspiration to me – SURVIVORS!
I hate my partner. I really hate him. I feel as though I don’t have one ounce of love left for him.
We’ve been together a long time, funnily enough we got together on the back of me leaving an abusive ex.
I thought he was different.
Classic mistake.
He would listen to me describe my ex and would have kind words and would say ‘I’ll never treat you like that.
! SPOILER ALERT ! He is actually WORSE.
Yes with him we have a ‘nice life’.
We have a nice house.
A nice car.
We go on nice holidays and have nice meals out.
We have nice clothes.
All material rubbish I don’t care about.
However, he is just my ex (well, worse as I’ve said) but just with a nicer family background and a job that pays well.
I read the definition of abuse is power & control and gosh, how he has that.
I change my behaviour in front of him. In fact I have changed so much, of course friends have noticed over the years. I used to laugh it off, calling it (detail removed by moderator) but it’s not.
But anyway, I mainly want to type out the issues which are going on a home, get them off my chest.
I have got an amazing supportive family member, however, I think she’s tiring of me and my situation and really can’t do or say much more.
So. This is how it goes… day in day out.
My partner. He’ll come home from work. When he walks through the door he’ll moan he’s tired.
He’ll moan he’s got a headache or backache or some ache.
He’ll moan the house is cold.
He’ll moan there’s nothing in the house for tea, a tea that he has to cook.
As you read this you may think this doesn’t sound bad.
Let me elaborate.
He’s tired because he (detail removed by moderator). Every morning I have to wake him up, he claims to not ever hear his alarm clock and blames (detail removed by moderator). I get called all the names under the sun, he’s smashed up phones numerous times. The times when I’ve left him in bed as I have to go to work myself I get nothing but abuse, as if it’s my responsibility.
The headaches. He’ll often request (detail removed by moderator).
As he’ll moan so often the house is cold, if I’m home I’ll keep the heating on all day. Try and make it a nice environment for him to come home to, especially as he after has these headaches and other aches and pains. I’ll then be told (detail removed by moderator). Also, as I’ve said he smokes weed. I don’t want our house to smell like weed, nor does he and he is so paranoid about it. So I’ll open windows. If he comes home from work and the windows are open (and I’m talking about them being open on a reasonable day, not when it’s -1 outside!) he’ll slam them shut then call me names. Of course though, I get the blame for the house smelling like weed. Back also if the house is ridiculously hot, he’ll open all the windows! It has to be his decision, not mine.
The cooking. He moans that I don’t cook – I offer – but apparently I don’t cook properly. He moans it’s always he that has to go food shopping. I offer, I offer everyday but depending on his mood I get a ‘(detail removed by moderator)’. Of course I often get told that I don’t offer at all, and how ungrateful I am at him cooking every night, how all my friends must be so envious of me.
He constantly blames me for everything wrong in his life, in the world. He constantly says I do nothing but ‘p**s him off’. He constantly tells me he hates me and I’ve ruined his life.
Of course I’ve suggested we break up, have time apart.
He doesn’t want to. He wants that POWER.
These are just small snippets.
If he’s doing DIY he’ll constantly shout whilst carrying out a project, there isn’t one room in this house which hasn’t be smashed up by him.
If he’s driving, he’ll constantly shout and berate traffic lights and other drivers, and he’ll drive intimidatingly.
If we’re out having food he’ll moan at how long it takes to arrive, but will blame it being on what I ordered.
He is a constant drain on me.

[nbumblebee]

Hey @theocrat you are definatly not alone here sweetie alot of us are still here and can relate to all you say. I hate mine too I really do but I will never leave Im nothing without him so am stuck here. Mine was nice (detail removed by moderator) then all of a sudden turned and went silent on me no reason just wouldnt talk wouldnt engage like id done something wrong I asked and asked but we went to bed silent. (detail removed by moderator) he woke me up wanting sex to which i did just to keep the leace (detail removed by moderator) but as we all know that can change im sick of his moods his anger his nasty vile comments his controlling behaviour financially sexually and in general im not allowed anywhere .
Actually let me change that ive recently started to work which he hates and tries to stop me but I still go, ive started to go out with friends ive never ever done this ive been once at (detail removed by moderator) but he was poorly with covid I have another event coming up and he has told me i cant go as i will just get with another bloke Im going no matter what.
I am choosing to stay but it doesnt mean I choose to be his door mat I am very slowly trying to re gain some sort of control over my own life small tiny steps so i keep myself safe. This is how I am surviving right or wrong its how Im doing it.
I have past issues I self harm in many ways and am a bit of a mess right now i see a counsellor who helps, have you tried to reach out get some support? There is help out there sweetie you have just got to be strong and reach for it.
Sounds to me like you are in a very nasty place right now stay safe and take care of you. X

[theocrat]

Thank you @nbumblebee for your kind words.
It’s great to hear you’re getting out there.I’m proud of you.
Please look after yourself.

It’s not nice to know I’m not alone, however I can take comfort from the fact there are so many women who can relate to our situations.

I got in my car today – it’s my car, but he uses it often – but I noticed all the behaviours I do to keep him happy.
He goes mad if I adjust the seat, he goes mad if he gets in and the blowers are full blast, he goes mad if the arm rest is down. As I type this it all sounds so small and insignificant but it’s a living hell. Utter hell.

[nbumblebee]

Doesnt sound silly at all mine wont go in my car wont help me if it goes wrong or anything as I choose it he wanted a different one. He tells me all the time how he regrets allowing me to have it!!!!!
Nothing you say will ever sound silly here sweetie nothing.
Life is so hard but we take comfort here keep talking keep safe xxxx

[theocrat]

Thank you @nbumblebee.
Oh, the car. I can absolutely picture in my head what he’s like.
I bought an air freshener for my car (detail removed by moderator), I have to hide it in my car though because he often rips them off because he can’t stand the smell. It has to be a fragrance he’s chosen.

I’ve got another one for you – Sometimes I’m ‘allowed’ to chose something new for the house (notice I don’t say home, as it’s not), once it was (detail removed by moderator). A few weeks down the later I got home to see (detail removed by moderator) and he only let me have it because he was being nice. Of course he commanded I clean up the mess.

The amount of times I hear ‘I only said yes because I felt like being nice’.
The amount of times I’ve bought plants or candles only to find them in the bin because he doesn’t like them.

Trying to keep strong. Just so hard.

[nbumblebee]

@theocrat Bless your heart it is so hard isnt it. We are on a rather long quiet time but still even now i notice little comments digs.
Our son used to (detail removed by moderator)
My husband is a good dad so he said yes but now he has said to me that i must thank him (as in sex) for (detail removed by moderator), he says I now owe him. He says it in a joking way but I know he means it and will get nasty if I keep saying No.
My hubby constantly touches me wants sex demands sex in return for being nice!!!

Keep sharing your stories it helps to know you are not alone read others stories and try and learn there are some incredable ladies on here who have lived our life and who have gotten away.
You are strong stronger than you believe you found this site you reached out and you are talking that takes courage and strength now keep moving foward sweetie xxxxxxx

[gettingtired]

Omg, are we in a relationship with the same person here?! 🤣 I can relate to so much of what you’ve said.
Mine does nothing but moan, moan, moan constantly and the temperature of the house is a massive feature. I’m constantly told when to go and turn the heating on or off. It’s always cold and it’s always my fault. I’m constantly accused of leaving windows open. It made me laugh when you said about the air freshener in the car as when I’ve bought new ones for mine I usually get a smarmy comment about how the smell is hideous. Everything is my responsibility and I’m blamed for anything that is wrong in his life (which according to him is most things).
Just makes you want to scream sometimes doesn’t it? It’s infuriating! But also really drags you down.
All of these ‘small things’ you mention aren’t really small things. They all add up to a living hell as you said because we are constantly having to think ahead, worry about what may or may not p*ss them off, speak carefully, use the right words, don’t spend too long blah blah. Only recently I’ve realised how much he continuously rushes me around. I can’t do things at my own pace really as he’s so impatient and demanding, it all has to be on his time schedule. It’s infuriating and I’m (fingers crossed) in the later stages of accepting it will never, ever change and my only option is out. It’s still so hard though.
Feel free to vent on here, it really helps to know there are others out there experiencing the same thing (even though it’s incredibly sad to realise how many of us are suffering!) Xx

[RedStrawberry]

@gettingtired I can so relate to the constant blame for everything. Its so frustrating when there really is nothing you can do because it’s not your fault. I never knew what little thing was gonna set him off as it could have been something that I’d done before and it hadn’t been a problem. If he mentioned something that annoyed him (a not real for example leaving the coffee jar out on the work top) I’d try to be extra careful not to do it again but sometimes I’d get distracted by kids and I would leave it out he’d make a snide comment implying I’d done it on purpose.

@theocrat I wasn’t allowed to buy anything new for the house, as he said as the kids would trash it we’d get new when they left home (that is a v long time away) if something broke though he’d just say replace it it doesn’t matter about cost. I dunno if that was him being nice or just so he could say that he let me buy something. I had issues with windows too I’d have had them open all day and just shut them as kids were about to go to bed and it’s noisy and he’d go and open them again cos he was too hot not bothered that the noise would disturb the kids.

I’m genuinely amazed that there’s this many men who have been treating us so badly.

[Author]

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