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Ok, moving date: check, solicitor: check, relate counsellor: check.
Now I have to tell him.
I have no idea what to say, how to say it. His means of bullying is by picking up on my nerves and lack of articulation. He makes fun of me if I am grammatically incorrect, but then he plays the exceptionally sincere and caring man who can’t live without me. He knows guilt is my weakness, that I would do any and everything for him and I can’t even begin to get my head around this. I have lost any ability in being assertive.
What do I actually say? I’m opting for “I want a separation. I have already expressed my unhappiness about being here and being with you and I believe this is the right move for me.”
How do I say the right thing? Only days left before I need to.
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Hi Imogen,
Please do phone the helpline for some help and advice. Without wanting to frighten you at all, leaving and ending an abusive relationship can be a very dangerous time and the helpline can help you to safety plan. You might not even find that the right thing is to tell him, can you leave secretly? Please do get some advice and support.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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I was going to say the same as Lisa. Do you have to tell him? Can you just go?
You’re not going to let him know your new address are you? I wouldn’t think telling him in your own at home would be the best idea. You need to think about your safety. I’m sure the ladies on the helpline will give you great advice.
Wish you all the best x
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Thanks both.
I tried to call the help line today but kept missing each other. I feel like I should tell him face to face. He is not physically abusive, but I know the statistics may say otherwise. I don’t know. I feel I want to be clear and open. Like I want to do this right and not be like him.
I want to feel I have taken all the right steps and not regret anything. It’s just so hard. I feel going without saying anything feels wrong for me. Does that make sense?
He will not know my new address. Definitely not.
I will try the helpline again tomorrow when I am alone.
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Hi imagen
My situation is similar to yours and I’m am leaving (detail removed by moderator). I want to say it is so dangerous to tell him face to face. My partner was ever physical to me until I tried to tell him I wanted to break up. It was terrible what he did and I never thought he had it in him. I am going to leave my partner a letter. Hope this helps-
Oh Ariel I am so sorryand I desperately hope you are ok. I am happy you are still going ahead though. You are strong and inspiring x
We had a discussion a few months back where I told him I was unhappy where we lived, being with him and he just went quiet. He soon forgot about that conversation and went back to being a bully and insulting and patronising.
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I’ve tried to leave my partner on a few occasions. Each time it has ended in violence.
Yet even now as i think about my exit plan i still want to tell him. How can i not? The guilt of not saying anything is just horrible. I feel if i don’t tell.him he’ll be even more angry than if i do.
This is why i back down and end up staying.
X*x
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I am approaching this situation too. My house purchase should be completed (detail removed by moderator) and he knows nothing about it. That will hurt him I know. It is such a shame as I have tried and tried to tell him andnsi wanted it to be amicable and respectful ( think gwyneth Paltrow and chris Martin !) but he proved that would not be an option when he started to try and hurt the kids ( verbally ) to hurt me. I have gone downhill since then – everyday pretending to be trying and yet secretly planning my escape. God knows how to have that final conversation so I can’t help but I totally relate xxxxx
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Hey HUn
Sadly we have to do it this way, i felt like u too, what i did was have house ready where i was moving to , sneak things out like clothes, blankets, importand documents, then i told him i think at end of month we should try a seperation, but only said this after i had key, he still thought i was bluffing then out of bloom we had argument and he was going to beat me up again , i ran for it ….
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Hey HUn
Sadly we have to do it this way, i felt like u too, what i did was have house ready where i was moving to , sneak things out like clothes, blankets, importand documents, then i told him i think at end of month we should try a seperation, but only said this after i had key, he still thought i was bluffing then out of bloom we had argument and he was going to beat me up again , i ran for it ….only tip i can give is if u feel u have to tellonly tell after u havvve key andm lie and say its just tempoary split
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Me personally I wouldn’t say a thing.
If you feel and think desperately that you must have one male friend bigger than him and do it in public. If he is prone to violence, abusers are less likely to attack other men and also in public. If you do it alone or with a female friend, he will happily attack you both. If you do it in the home he is in his comfort zone and he knows where all of the potential weapons are.
Please don’t take it lightly. Mine was never violent until the day I left him and believe it or not I had no intention of leaving but because I wouldn’t put up and shut up, He resorted to violence within a week I fled to a refuge. I was in shock because I never really thought that he would physically hurt me like that.
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Sahara
This is like reading about myself. I tried to leave before but he got violent I didn’t know about womens aid and refuges then so I stayed. Now I know better. But I keep thinking I dhould tell him I leaving cos I feel guilty just vanishing. But I can’t risk the violence. It’s so hard isn’t it. Well done to you for getting out x -
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These men do not deserve anything not an explanation nothing!! You can tell him afterwards that you’re leaving him well actually he will find out himself when you’re no longer there! Please stop thinking about protecting their feelings they gave no consideration to ours so why should we give a monkeys about them? Speak to Women’s Aid and talk about planning your exit plan safely. As soon as they get wind of what we are doing they come down on you like a tonne of bricks! They then manipulate and control you even more because they cannot bear the thought of you taking this step. My dad wants me to tell him exactly what we think of him after the divorce comes through but for me I don’t think that’s the right decision. Any form of contact is bad for my mental health even if it is telling him what a train crash of a lif he has! My silence speaks volumes and kills him inside we do not need to get the last word because we know that we have got the last word by DUMPING, DITCHING, DIVORCING him and throwing him in the black bin where he belongs!
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Actions speak louder than words! Their egos will have a huge shattering if we tell them why we are leaving what we are thinking and we just add fuel to the fire! Leave it! Think of what is best for you at this time. This unfortunately is not a normal relationship where you breakup with a partner and you have sn explanation. What we have, continue to have and have been through is a false, fabricated relationship which is all for the benefit of one psrty. This relationship has no element of kindness, compassion, consideration, compromise, love and is an utter and complete betrayal to who we are as human beings! It takes away our dignity and our respect. Is someone bullies you in the school play ground would you give them an explanation? No! So why do we not think about that here? They do not deserve an explanation they don’t deserve to breathe our names and even sit in the same room as us! Write down exactly what they’ve done and who they are and then you will think twice about telling them what you want to say. Trust me on that one. You need to memorise one number now and that’s number one!! That’s who comes first now each and every day! Xxxx
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This is such strong and sound advice. I left very recently, which my other post explains.
I had gone for the minimal and factual approach. He sent messages, loaded with guilt and emotion, how he was surprised my “depression had manifested in a way that it would reject him.”
He knows it’s a separation and now I just need to know what to do next. I am writing the outline of what is happening but should I do this through a solicitor? I don’t have enough evidence for divorce, emotional manipulation has been hard to prove.
Any advice is greatly welcome, and thankyou so much for your love and support 🙂
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Imogen go through a solicitor who understands and deals with domestic violence. Women’s Aid or other charities which deal with DV should be able to point you in the right direction.
Don’t do it yourself.
He is already trying to make this your fault and that you are not of sound mind or health. It will only get worse and you will start to doubt yourself for he will be lovely to you as well as nasty.
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Tell him you need some time and ask him not to conatct you. Go no contact for as long as you need. IDAS can help with everything. When you feep strong enough see a solicitor for the legal cutting of ties. DO NOT CONTACT HIM OR GO BACK. my ex had never ever been physically violent until we broke up. He actually dumped me because he thought I had cheated I would never have got out if not for that. But even thought he ended the relationship not knowing it was abusive I didn’t protect myself and he was violent to me on a number of occasions. The worst was when he nearly killed me. We went on a night out together and he flipped because a man kissed me and he didn’t see me push him off. We had an argument in the middle of the street and he punched me, broke my phone and pushed me into the road. Then went home and burnt everything he could that was still in his house. I never thought he would harm me physically.
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The ladies above have fabulous advice and experience. Can you move out and then, if you feel you really must tell him face to face, agree to meet in a public place with a friend close by to look after you and make sure you get home okay? We think we know these men and we think we know how they will behave but honestly, we don’t know what they are capable of, particularly when we know we are going to pee them off!
Better to play safe than risk anything at all.
Last year when I tried to leave my ex face to face he ended up talking me round and I stayed for another year. Huge mistake which I have learned from!
Good luck hun xx
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Hello my lovelies. I glad you like my response. I am at the point where I am at the final stages of my divorce. To this day I have not told my husband exactly why I left him. I made the quickest escape ever when I had my lightbulb moment I didn’t say when or if I would be coming back I just kept saying I need time to think then I went completely silent, no contact and used that time to figure out exactly what he had done, was doing snd had planned for me. I was secretly seeing a Solicitor at this time and he has absolutely no idea I wanted a divorce until he got my letter from my Solicitor telling him! This isn’t a teenage crush or a one night stand this is my husband! I had to do it this way to ensure he didn’t talk me out of it snd it was done safely. Trust me when I say run for your life!!
As for the Domestic Violence you do not need to get him to admit it or show evidence. Give clear examples of the abuse and the Solicitor will use that apart of the particulars for the divorce. Go and see your GP so it’s on record and if you see a support worker from Women,s Aid. Tell the Solicitor you want it to be as non-contentious as possible you want a divorce and you want one quick. You are not there to place blame or determine fault you want a divorce you want this man out of your life and you want it done pronto. The less contact you have with him through the divorce the better keep it minimal, professional, businesslike and to the point do not get sucked in with his rubbish! Facts only! Good luck keep posting snd let us know how you get on xxxx
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