What do you tell people

[Roseandthorn]

My husband and I are still living together but we are on the road to separation, he is actually being fairly reasonable, even though I don’t trust if this is real or if it’s a manipulation or if it’s a guilty conscience, there has been coercion and intimate violence which he will not admit to.
I had a hard day at work today, I have maybe overshared about our marriage breaking down and some of my closer colleagues ask how are things.
I got upset today when chatting with a friend as I can’t possibly go into details about why I’m leaving him, it makes me feel deeply upset that people will never know what he done to me and that he is not going to face consequences, I feel it’s so unfair that he wants to have the kids 50/50 time, I don’t know if they will be 100% safe with him although he has never hurt them before. I don’t feel strong enough to take him to courts etc and I don’t qualify for legal aid it would be way over what I can afford to do this.
Meanwhile he is pretending to be the amicable one and asking me about doing a separation agreement.
I am just so confused at what I need to do next!

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I don’t really feel like I’m in a position to give advice, except to say that if things are going amicably at the moment then leave it at that for now. Others may not agree, but if you are still living together you are in a vulnerable position. Things could get very nasty. There will be time to talk about it when you are completely safe from him. In my experience you may not find talking to people as pleasant an experience as you may imagine. There are places where it’s really safe to talk, and your dv service may be able to get you on courses where you’ll be with others who understand. This forum is good, and if you can afford it you could get a therapist. Talking out in the wide world may require a more cautious approach. Others will comment if they don’t agree with me, and it will be interesting to hear their point of view.

[BellaBella]

Echo EvenSerpentsShine’s comments.

It’s very unnerving to be on the receiving end of pretend behaviours, from my experience there were times I decided he was genuine even when I knew full well it was maipulation. Because I wanted to believe there was a good person in there really, but much more often than not it was to unerve me and made me question my own sanity!

If it were me I would mirror the amicable behaviour and keep the situaltion as calm and safe as possible for you and your children until you are out.

There are places where you can self refer through the NHS for talking therapy for free! (it really helped me as for a long time I didn’t know who in my life I could trust, but I could trust her). The Freedom Programme is so helpful personally, but you also get time with others that will absolutley ‘get it’.

I did talk at work in the end but our department was very small, all women and people I could trust after years of working closely.

I guess I’m saying, opening up and speaking out was the start of ‘my’ journey but to the right person/people and at the right time and with no chance at all of any comeback.

Take good care 🙂

[Roseandthorn]

Thank you for the good advice, what you both say makes sense, I feel like I need to find others who have gone through similar before who will understand better and so I can truly vent!

It’s just a bit tricky when at work as I feel close to some of my work friends and I hate having to put on a front and sometimes I start saying too much.  I so want to shout out and tell everyone what he has done to me but I just can’t. His own family don’t even care, he has convinced them the intimate violence didn’t happen. They all think I’ve imagined this or got it wrong, but I know it happened…and so does he!
His family have seen his irrational temper and shouting at the kids before, seen him belittling me, I told his mum he is controlling and jealous but they don’t take any of this into account either.

I am thinking about applying to the council as homeless and trying to get a house for me and the kids as I know I can’t take this living together much longer.

 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Completely get that you feel close to your work colleagues and want to share with them, but I can only share my own experiences, as I’m certainly no expert and my own experience is all I have. I would advise you to protect your work environment by not talking about it.

Sticking to absolute facts and simply making small hints at what is happening may be much more likely to work for you in this situation.

some people will react in ways you absolutely don’t expect and it may be precisely the same people who you thought would be your greatest allies ( nosiness can appear as caring , but it’s not).

if you are let down or betrayed by someone at work it will be very difficult for you to go back into that situation day after day.

Talking with women who’ve been through it is very helpful and I’d encourage you to find a group through your local domestic abuse service.

i found that domestic abuse can bring up lots of different reactions in people and many of those reactions will not be good or helpful for you. There will also be lots of support I hope, but not always from the places you expect it to come from.

[minimeerkat]

trying to pretend you are ‘ok’ when youre not is one of the hardest things to do – and it takes such a lot out of you too. in your work environment or with anyone you dont feel safe enough to open up to hopefully just a brief explanation of  ‘youve experienced domestic abuse within your marriage but that you have the right support’ should be enough to say that youre actually not ok – without going into any detail at all.  people will then at least be aware of this which should help you feel you dont have to put on a front

ive found it the most painful when risking speaking to others who i actually thought would understand 100% & who would therefore appreciate just how vulnerable i still was.  so the safest people to talk to in my experience is your local da service or a counseller – even though i think most of us have desperately wanted to shout it from the rooftops

i know because you have lost trust in your partner its natural that you are now deeply concerned about the contact he will have with your children in the future.  and that 50/50 parenting is both an upsetting & worrying thought right now – but the truth is you dont really know what will actually happen.  this could have been said to ‘punish’ you in some way & therefore when it came to it things could be different.  also even if your partner was granted this who knows how long this arrangement would actually suit him in reality.  theres how your children feel about this themselves as well.  but whatever happens you can ensure that your children are encouraged to be open & voice any of their feelings about time spent with their father which will hopefully help to put your mind at rest – and if there ever were any concerns there will be people you can get in touch with about this

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