What else can I do to protect myself?

[AllTheChocolate]

Hi all!
I am several years out of a toxic relationship. My ex shows n**********c traits and tends towards coercive control and manipulation. We share a child who lives with me and sees them alternate weekends and a weekday.

Over the years, I have repeatedly enforced email-only contact (phone for emergencies). I used to allow urgent texts but have ceased that since he abused it.

I have laid several boundaries around contact and co-parenting which he continues to ignore (eg agreeing changes in contact or travel abroad between us, the parents, before discussing with child).

I continue to use Grey Rock communication method which works well.

When possible, I accommodate his (not common) demands for alterations in contact. He is never happy with the holiday times I offer him and each year it takes ages to agree. I have now insisted this is the same year on year to prevent this.

However, he is still intimidating me on occasion. He’s turned up uninvited on my doorstep when our child didn’t want to go to his. I lodged this with police as I felt intimidated (he was angry I hadn’t responded to his text). He has told me he won’t have our child on their (detail removed by moderator), assuming I’d have him. I’m not available, told him so, told him to organise alternative childcare (he wants to go on holiday). He has refused to arrange alternative child care and instead has sent me long emails of unpleasant and untrue accusations and blame. He’s REALLY gone to task on me. (His accusations are unfounded, he is simply angry because he’s booked a holiday without sorting childcare and has assumed I can cover for him).

I am in a really good place mentally now, but am worried about the future. I expect him to challenge our child’s (detail removed by moderator) some point soon. I know that the anger and blame he throws at me each time I don’t give him what he wants will only fester and blow up worse later. I’m scared that he’ll do whatever he can to control my/our child’s life and ‘get back at me’ for not giving him the exact perfect parenting experience he demands.

Aside from:
– grey rock and non-violent communication
– lodging any necessary things with police (unlikely as it’s usually verbal abuse)
– keeping a journal
what else can I do to handle these outbursts, prevent them happening (without always giving in to everything he wants, that seems the only thing that will prevent them), and making sure I have the support and evidence I need (detail removed by moderator) and accuse me of whatever he fancies – I wouldn’t put it past him to claim alienation, and/or force child to school to spite me (education is agreed as adequate by local authority)… How to protect myself and my child from his anger and blame?

Thanks very much.

[Lisa]

Hello AllTheChocolate,

Thank you for sharing what you’re going through, it sounds like such an exhausting and distressing situation to have to deal with, and I’m sure other users will be able to offer advice and support on this – what you’re describing is sadly so common when we are experiencing post-separation control and abuse.

In the meantime I just wanted to give some options around accessing legal advice in case it feels that it might be useful to speak to a professional about your rights and options in regards to his contact. The Rights of Women have a Family Law advice line where they offer free legal advice over the phone, you can find details of this service on the website: https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Coram also offer legal advice around child contact, you can find details for their Child Law Advice here: https://childlawadvice.org.uk/

Take care and do keep posting to let us know how you’re doing.
Lisa

[Author]

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