What freedom means to me ( what’s your)

[Borntobefree]

1. No more sexual abuse
2.no more emotional abuse
3.can leave dishes till next day without abuse
4.no more being called lazy I worked hard till he ruined it
5.can do my house work when I want
6.no snoring lol
7. Cook what I want without being criticised
8.stay in my Pjs all day
9.watch what I want without him saying it’s s**t
10.shave my legs when I want lol
11. I have my loving family still even when he tried to isolate me from them
12.most of all FREEDOM

[SunshineRainflower]

Good post. Freedom to me currently means:

1. Not being teased, put down or mocked by my ex or my brother
2. Not having my boundaries violated by my mum, dad or ex
3. Not having to text my ex every morning because ‘otherwise he would worry I was going to dump him’
4. Being able to make my own decisions and choice without critical, disapproving and fear-inducing comments from my mum or dad
5. Being able to eat a normal meal without someone implying I am greedy or fat just because I’m a woman (according to them, men are allowed to eat as much as they want but women aren’t)
6. Having a lovely evening to myself working on my hobbies or my business
7. Not feeling bad and upset over the latest mean, cruel comment he made then denied/rationalised
8. Being able to talk to other men without feeling guilty and like I should tell him
9. Not having to watch the horrible sexist tv programme he always had on every time I went round to his house, golly how I hated that programme and have since realised it is widely known to be extremely sexist
10. Not having to plan activities to last a whole weekend, I have my time back now
11. Having the time and mental calmness to work on my business again
12. Nobody can make me feel envious anymore by triangulating me with other women
13. Being able to wear essential oil instead of the perfume he liked which gave me a headache
14. No longer seeking the approval of my brother
15. Not having to spend time with my ex’s weird family where the mother seemed to idolise him and the father seemed to be consumed by a thinly veiled rage and malice. Yuck!
16. Not relying on the approval and help of my mum and dad all the time
17. Being able to decorate a house how I want
18. No longer having to watch awful violent films as he refused to watch the nice ones I liked
19. Being able to walk around the supermarket without him following me around, scowling and asking me what I’m doing
20. Not having to ask anyone if I can turn the heating on or off! 🙂

[Anabela]

I am not sure if I qualify to put my list, as I am still one foot in (however, the geographical distance increased), but even with that:
1. No more sleepless nights when you have to sort out arguments until 4 am.
2. Cooking what I want
3. Listening to my music
4. No need to worry that some of my things will be ruined or left in case i have to leave.
5. I still have my friends, even though ‘they control me, and treat me like a child (which is not true)’
6. Physical safety.

[Serenity]

Wow, Sunshine: many of your points remind me of my situation!

Well, Born To Be Free, here’s what freedom is to me:

Being free from his sexism and chauvinism

Not having to live through the tension-building and eventual outbursts

Not having to live with his cruel taunts, put-downs, cruel comments and ridiculing of me

My kids having peace and freedom to be themselves at home

Not having to have a relationship with his bullying family

Being able to buy what I want

Earning my own money without him taking it off me ( whilst he hid his)

Saving for treats or holidays ( he never allowed me savings)

Freedom to enjoy my career ( he tried to sabotage it)

Being able to cook when I want and eat what I want- and not having to have my daily life governed by his lordship’s mealtimes ( and his nasty criticism of my cooking)

Freedom from his groping and sexual disrespect

Freedom to plan my own future and life’s trajectory ( pattern)

Freedom to just lie in bed at 8.30pm if I choose- not be forced to stay up late when ill or exhausted – or to be rudely woken up by him in the middle of the night

Freedom from fear and oppression at his hands

Freedom to read what I want, engage in my own hobbies and interests

Freedom to buy my kids what they need for their own development and happiness ( he wouldn’t allow them anything, and tried to stunt their growth out of jealousy)

Freedom to plan my own 24 hours – and not just play second fiddle to a man who abuses me however hard I try to make him happy

Freedom to see my friends and family members

Ability to set boundaries with people who try to use or control me

Simply freedom to be me, to be true to my own instincts, feelings, goals, dreams and desires- not constantly deny my own self ( because he thought I should just be a reflection of him and his warped values).

[iwillbeok]

Hi – so many common points!

Mine are:
1. Not having to dread putting my key in the front door not knowing what mood he is in

2. Not being cut-off mid-sentence without a care but woe on anyone who interrupted him *before he’d even started speaking*

3. Finishing a glass of wine without being rushed along to leave as he had decided it was time to leave

4. Deleting all his gory/violent/crass/boring shiws off the TV; sitting on the couch without having his legs all over me

5. Not being pinched or groped randomly and then told I was too sensitive and that it didn’t hurt

6. Not having to account for my travel time, how long I took in the shops, when I’d be back (on very very rare occassions I managed to go out)

7. Not being asked for blow jobs at completely inappropriate times and being made to feel guilty or unfaithful when I naturally had to refused

8. Not being lectured to, made to feel inferior to his intellect and having everything be turned around to a story about his experiences

9. Not having a truly disgusting toilet to deal with!!

10. Not being accused of being grumpy all the time when I’m actually a naturally happy person

I realise on this list I’ve mainly put the negative things, ie the hurtful horrible things I no longer have to deal with. I’m working on trying to be more grateful and look at the positives. I still feel a little lost and will wander around the house without a clear purpose.

X

[Janedoeissad]

Iwillbeok, I think your list is positive, you have said the lack of the negative things you have listen means you life is brighter. So I think you are positive.

I needed to read these today. Here is my “wish list” for when I’ve gone:

1. To not feel despair ever time I get a text, its always something negative and its rare its something good.

2. To just be able to go to work and not worry about what insignificant thing has put him in a bad mood.

3. To be able to relax of an evening and not debate what he would want me to be doing.

4. To just be able to organise something and not worry about whether he’ll kick off about me being out the house.

5. To be in an environment with one steady mood.

6. To be surrounded by people who do not think I’m a burden or weird or stupid.

[Bakehappy]

I LOVE this post, and so many of the answers already given I can absolutely identify with!

1. A quiet phone! Excessive calls/messages were a blight and finally I can feel a sense of excitement if my phone pings rather than rolling my eyes in despair every time wondering what he’s gonna moan about now.
2. Me and the children have full run of our home at all times, no pussyfooting about while he is home
3. Able to have friends round whenever we want
4. Housework-when I want
5. Bedtime – when I want
6. Dinner – when I want
7. Sit – where I want
8. Watch – what I want
9. Go out with friends
10. Dance. I can dance as much as I want!
11. Being relaxed in social situations instead of waiting for him to get the hump again so we have to leave early.
12. Not having to consider his drink and drug habits in my budget….affording to treat the children to fun stuff/dinner out.
13. Functioning as a normal family should in too many ways to mention.
14. Not living with the heavy anticipation of a brewing mood and then the ensuing row which could go on for several days if he didn’t get his own way.
15. Openly having my friend and family as a part of my life
16. Going to church without being accused of all sorts.
17. JuSt, doing more of what makes me happy and realising my dreams are achievable.

I’m exhausted, I need a break, it’s so hard on my own…..but I am a survivor and I’d rather that than sacrifice any of the above again!

Power on ladies, the freedom is exhilarating 🙌

[iwillbeok]

Thanks Janedoeissad – you’re spot on! They are still positives!

I didn’t add one if the biggest positives – I have my family back. I was so isolated from them before – both by him, and the subconscious protective wall I had put up. Now I speak with my parents at least weekly. They have been so supportive and wonderful.

I also loved your statement bakehappy: I’m exhausted, I need a break, it’s so hard on my own…..but I am a survivor and I’d rather that than sacrifice any of the above again!

Xx

[Robin]

Thank you so much for this post. At times I think the behaviour is normal but seeing your lists shows me that’s not the case.

I’m still there, so my list is about what I want
1. No taunting, name calling, or shouting about the things I haven’t done or have done but not ‘right’
2. Doing what I want to do at the weekend without feeling that I’m on a clock to get home
3. Taking the kids to birthday parties / events without being told ‘it’s all about them’ and not feeling that I have to buy him a ticket, knowing that he won’t go
4. Not being made to feel guilty for visiting my family
5. Not being told that I only buy what I like when I spend a small fortune on non-dairy milk for him – because he likes it better!
6. Not treading on egg-shells when I want to arrange a night out and not be told ‘NO! You’re not going.’
7. Not feeling physically intimidated when I try to stand up to him
8. No more sexist, racist comments
9. Not being told I’m fat, stupid, an idiot, cant’ be trusted or having affairs (simply because I’ve been out once in a blue moon)
10.Most importantly, the children not having to listen to the shouting, put-downs or nasty comments

[Bakehappy]

Robin, your list would have been mine a year ago….I’m almost (detail removed by Moderator) months free now. I found my church and the children’s school fantastic support…they have been there every step of the way for me and the children…getting us access to additional support we need as well as on an emotional level. It’s a tough road….but compared to living with our abuser it’s a breeze 😘. I’m still fixing us, but I have had a taste of happiness now and that is the biggest motivation 🙌. I hope you find the support you need to help you move forward, much love x*x

[lilaclady]

This is such a good post. I am out but now about to divorce so that’s going to be another nightmare but being out these are the things I freedom means.

1. No more staying at work late as I don’t want to go home and face him
2. No more waking up in the morning wondering what he is going to be like
3. No more waiting for his next explosive anger incident
4. Watching the TV when I want and what I want
5. Going to bed when I want
6. Having friends round
7. Seeing friends
8. No more treading on eggshells at home

xx

[Lightness]

This is great – so many common themes

1. Being able to go to bed when I want
2. Not having to listen to him go on and on and on and on….
3. Being able to have 2 way conversations or just silence
4. Not having to tidy up, clean, cook, do gardening without rest
5. Not wondering which version of him will come home and what I might have done wrong today
6. Being able to choose my own path
7. Having access to my own income – not having to give it to him
8. Not being put down
9. Not being shoved or groped
10. Not having to take medication to get through the day
11. Having a future

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi
Wow a fabulous post. So many comments already made that fit with my life too.

Freedom is being me in my terms.
Freedom is peace.
Freedom is the joy of knowing I left rape harassment and fear behind.
Freedom is moving through victim to surviving then thriving.
Freedom is being proud to be a woman.
Freedom is looking forward to my first holiday abroad alone but not lonely.
Freedom is liking me and who I’ve chosen to become.

Reeds x

[SugarSkull]

For me freedom is being comfortable and safe enough to express myself in whatever form I need to. Not feeling depressed or like I have to hide my feelings. Being silly or wild with our worrying if I’ll be too much or get told off. Just being able to be myself.

[Author]

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