What has happened to me ?

[Moon]

Usually this time of year I’m feeling sad and remembering that I haven’t got any family etc but this year I just haven’t thought about it. I just don’t feel anything anymore am totally emotionless !
Have to attend a ss meeting tomor and usually I’m dreading it especially as it always ends in repercussions for me from my partner but I just don’t care anymore.
I just think go on do your worst .
It doesn’t hurt anymore inside or out.
Have I turned into a emotionless heartless b***h 😢😢
I know How my life is and it just doesn’t seem as bad anymore – what have I become ?? X

[Anonymous]

I am feeling the same Moon. I was telling my counsellor today I feel emotionally numb. I feel,irritable most of the time but never happy. I have been let down by Ss, they never completed a core assessment which they started months ago. My son had an assessment with CAMHS and they shut the door on us saying that he was not bad enough. He now lies on his bed all day, does not eat and,does not talk to any of his family or friends, and I don’t know how to deal with him. To top it all my solicitor did not do her job in applying for legal aid to get a non mol order so I have to start again.
I don’t think I have ever felt so low and been,let down by everyone. I really hope the new year will bring me some hope x x

[Daisy]

Moon,
My heart goes out to you,
Your are not as you say -not at all,
You have just been through so much, from so many different angles that your emotions can’t cope with it all and have shut down a while, it’s instinctive, to protect you from all the pain and confusion.
Please just concentrate on thinking of just you and your child tonight if you can and what is best for just you two.
your partner can’t be thinking of you, normally because he wouldn’t be treating you like he has done and wouldn’t have put you in the situation you face tomorrow, let alone be causing you more fear of reprisals yet to come.
X x x

[Twisted Sister]

dear Moon thats so sad, and i’m really disappointed that you spent the night feeling this way perhaps, without support as it took 12 hours for your messages of support to reach you (from moderation), if they have indeed reached you and you didn’t have to head out first thing and still missed them.

I understand that place you are coming from, where its all too much and the fighting has to stop because the will has gone, the energy to keep getting up.

please don’t take these words against yourself 🙁 – if you truly were emotionless/heartless or a *****, you’d not be saying so!!! You have gone numb perhaps, but thats a very different thing and i truly hope you find that strength within to get you through today continuing to fight for you and what you deserve.

Sending you strength and support in bucketloads for this challenging day xx

Unity – can you contact Family Rights Group? and if it helps any, I think CAMHS are guilty commonly of such. Every time i’ve heard them mentioned over the past year or so thats all i hear, either the child is not considered ‘bad’ enough, or you just get ignored, appts dropped, and actually no significant change after sessions. I think the services are under hellish pressure and there are so many casualties of that.

All i can suggest is that you and him at least find something enjoyable each day that you can do together to bring a little light into each others’ lives? Something positive at least, to experience some fun together in some way, in whatever shape that takes for you two.

warmest wishes both xxxKS

[Lisa]

Hello Moon,

I am so sorry to hear about everything that you are going through and how you are feeling. It is good to see that you have had some great support here on the forum.

Unfortunately, the forum isn’t moderated at all times, however, if you ever need to access some immediate support please do call the helpline which is available 24/7.

Keep posting.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Moon]

Thank you everyone for all your support. Your kind words and advice are keeping me strong.
I can’t believe how much my partner manipulated the ss meeting.
I have protected him for so long and feel that he just tried to turn everything around into me 😢
I just don’t have the strength to fight him yet alone leave at the moment.
I think he has taken everything from me now.

I keep telling myself it one more thing happens that I class as really bad then I will report it but it needs to be on a high level as everything else I just seem to tolerate.
I feel like something is brewing at the moment even though he said he wouldn’t be silly while ss are involved !

It makes me so sad to read so many posts. I felt so alone but can’t believe how many people are going through similar experiences. Also I am so in awe of people that have had the strength to leave.
I am learning a lot and I’m sorry if I’m not offering a lot of advice to many people as I’m just so engulfed in my situation and don’t feel I can help anyone if I can’t even help myself.

Thank you again everyone and I totally understood posts take time to modify and I’m just grateful I have found this site and the strength to post xx

[KIP.]

Hi Moon, have you googled “trauma bonding”. It truely opened my eyes as to why I couldn’t escape. Knowledge really is power. Hang in there. I was once where you are and freedom seems impossible. There really is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to fight to get there. Stay strong❤️

[Moon]

Hi Kip
Omg I have looked that up as never heard of it before …… Scary stuff !!!
I grew up being abused in all levels as a child and ended up growing up in foster care (phew mass step for me to post this !)
I’ve been diAgnosed with PTSD from this but can’t have trauma counselling as I’m am still living in trauma.
My partner does bring up my childhood and has a hold over me of this.
I’ve suddenly got a mass knot in my stomach 😢
Just wanna take a deep breath and post exactly what is going on as am so detached at mo it’s just words with no feeling.
Kip how did you find the strength ??
X*x

[Daisy]

Glad you are back posting moon, we were all thinking of you today,
I hope that you and your child are alright
Did today go ok for you?
X x x

[Moon]

Hi Daisy
I tried to message you back but for some reason it wouldn’t let me.
We are ok thank you. The meeting was like someone else was there instead of my partner. He said how much he has reflected and changed. He manipulated most of meeting.I soooo wish this was true.
My little girl keeps saying to him ‘you hit mummy in the bathroom’ and he said to her no I didn’t and you must stop saying that.
I don’t want her innocent mind to be destroyed
I just need to try and get through the next few days as it seems like we have a meeting and it takes a few days for him to digest throngs and then I get the repercussions 😢😢xx
Thank you so much for caring it means a lot to be able to get things out xx
I hope you are ok xx

[KIP.]

Hi Moon,

I finally involved the police. He was arrested and bailed. It was the bail conditions and no contact that saved me. He couldn’t play him awful mind games when he couldn’t get near me. It has to be total no contact. Leaving an abuser is like breaking a terrible drug habit. Keep away from it and anything that tempts you. Each time he came close I called 999. And I still do. Your abuser thrives off the control he has over you. Once you show him that he can’t control you or he has no power over you, he will get bored. Takes time, and lots of help. I could never get out on my own. Womens Aid, Police, courts, friends. Take any help offered.❤️ Good luck x

[Daisy]

Yes, there has been all sorts of problem here, but this evening it seems to be much better, no more having to wait for moderating- hurrah!
Moon, your daughter needs her mum to be safe too, more than anything.
You mentioned if anything bad happens you know you have to act but he’s changed your view of bad, it’s called minimising and we have all been where you are and minimised the risk we are in or the harm that is being done.
Yes, the timing is bad for leaving, I understand why you feel that but sometimes the time is always going to feel wrong, until we are out of the immediate situation , have had a bit of safe breathing space to see and think clearly,
X x x

[KIP.]

Hi moon, just read another of your posts. Writing things down is a great way of healing. It’s like you can get it out your head and onto paper. Please feel free to post anything you feel you need to. (Obviously don’t identify yourself). I posted about my rapes and my PTSD and how taking back control of my life combatted the PTSD. This site saved my life from day one when my ex was arrested. Help with my son, court, finances, all the forms of abuse. You probably feel like you’re the only one who’s suffered certain kinds of abuse (I did), but in reality, these abusers are all the same. Same mind games, tactics, no remorse, no sympathy, empathy. They just don’t care. They suck the life from us because we care about them. They use that fact too. Keep posting and we can help you with your journey to freedom. I’m living proof, it can be done❤️

[Moon]

I suddenly feel like I can take a breath and it’s OK to let some things out and feeling like my voice was taken away.
It’s so nice to be able to get words out in a safe environment.
Your right they take everything for you …
Your body , your mind, voice, emotions.
Degrade you in so many ways so you lose every ounce of self respect and self worth.
But your right each time hurts less so things become normal and numb.
You get hurt inside and out (will get there to explain that bit)

Mmmm bit brave tonight for me and that’s with no alcohol involved ha.
Don’t laugh …… But I’ve written a few poems on how I felt about certain parts and situations I was in and what I could see.

I have Been convinced he is going to take my life but listening to you all , maybe not

Xxxx

[Moon]

Also
It’s very difficult re police calling for reasons I’m not sure can put on here. I will only ever get one chance to do that so I would have to be very careful x

[Daisy]

Moon,

It’s scary the statistics for ladies dying at the hands of their partners, so please stay safe,
Read up as and when you can about safety plans, preparing for a safe exit if needed etc.
But it is not the impossible these abusers would have us believe.
All the fear instilled over however long, the cutting you off from people who would support you is their attempt to control you not escaping.
We are usually frightened and can’t see a way out but these men aren’t above the law , however they might feel they are.
Some ladies have reported that despite all the threats when they finally called the police their abuser soon became all meek and mild in front of the officer.others reported that they turned it round and blamed them , making them out to be the abusive one, you know him best moon so are better placed to judge,but mostly I want to at least reassure you that it is possible to break away safely and also that you are important and deserve more than to be treated as you are and your daughter deserves to not herself worry about her precious mum being hurt
X x x

[Moon]

And so it’s started 😢😢😢
Can’t get rid of that knot in my stomach 😢😢😢 xx

[Moon]

Hi
Thank you so much for your constant words and support.
I could just say those words and be able to get out, it’s just so hard and hanging on again and again for our family life to go back to normal although I’m not even sure what that is anymore.
It’s so difficult to involved the law because of his job I’ve been shown every restraint move that is used in his job😢😢 by him
I think I’m in for a tough few days as I know the signs and can feel him brewing – I haven’t felt scared for a while but for some reason today I have a big knot in my stomach and am feeling fearful.
I don’t know if it is because we are so far from home and my friends and support and he is quite angry today and constantly being horrible .
I know his strength and what he is capable of just hope my body gets a break for a few days of hurt inside and out.
I wish I could be as brave as some of you !
Hope you have a safe Christmas

Xx xx
Ps Daisy I tried to reply to your pm but it wouldn’t let me xx

[Twisted Sister]

just sending you some words of support there; any chance you get do try the helpline, or you can register for texting them. All the planning in the world won’t matter if you suddenly feel you need to go then you need to go and don’t look back.. You can turn up to the police, or phone them from wherever you are and tell them you fled your home because of your fear of him as you need it to stop.

but in the meantime, maybe you could have some stuff stowed away. passports/birth cert/utility bills/mortage/rental bank statements. some essentials, hidden away just in case.

I’m terrified and i think you are very brave to still be there, i’m scared for you, its weird isn’t it, seeing it from the outside!

be safe and happy. its all that matters xx KS

[Daisy]

Moon, it only looks brave from the outside,
Or after,
I too was terrified, my legs were like jelly, I felt like I was buzzing, shaking and none of it was good, it’s the fear and the adrenaline rushing through our bodies to help with the fight or flight,
Please stick to your aim of your little one’s christmas being what it is about and I hope that you have others around you there too.
Our instincts, are usually pretty good,
Moon, I hope you don’t need the police too , and I get your concerns , I really do but if you are being hurt more this break, after all that has happened, and been promised to the contrary,please don’t hesitate.
You know how precious you are to your daughter, she needs you, she tries to tell you and others in her way , she is trying to keep you safe, you need do that too.
Can you think about doing one thing, and only if it is safe to do so, as he is there, set yourself up for emergency sms- text service for 999.
If you are unable to phone 999, you can text them.
You are in out thoughts moon
X x x

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