What is happening to me?

[shine bright 2]

We are safe and we are protected. Part of the deal with the police was that we all see a pychogist. We did this. Me and the kids. But now I feel so much worse. It’s also today that I will know where he is going to be for the next few years…can’t talk about that here.
The thing is since seeing the psychologist I feel awful. I have a video running through my head of something that happened two and a half years ago. It’s there all the time. Non stop.
I have self harmed on and off for along time. She asked me about it and I’m convinced she asked the kids if they had witnessed this.
We don’t talk about scars on my body. We just don’t. There are some for cutting and some that he did with a cable…what would I tell them?
My daughter asked me about them.as soon as we got back from there and I lied to her.
Now I hate my self more.
Everything is so noisy in my head and I don’t know what to do. I have literally noone to talk to. We been here (Detail removed by moderator) weeks and it’s so hard. I’m not in a job yet and the kids are at school. We can’t contact anyone from before. Some days Imoney so lonely I think that when he gets out I will go and beg him for forgiveness so that things can be normal again.
I think even if someones been in prison they can try and see their kids. Maybe he will make out I’m a bad mum cos of self harm. He knows. Actually I started before our wedding cos I was scared. I thought it was a mistake but I couldn’t say no to my family and that’s what they had decided because people had talked about us being seen together
In my head I’m not sure what is worse the abuse ffrom him or this loneliness.

[KIP.]

Hey there. I had a real down turn last week. It was horrendous. But I can assure you that the abuse to you and your children will always be a lot worse that what you’re feeling now. These feelings will pass. It was always going to be a roller coaster ride. I can tell you that when I opened up to my psychologist, it was hell on earth but we must face the demons, take the bad memories apart and analyse then for what they are. Memories. Retrain our brains to recognise that we are safe now. Any contact with him will play right into his hands and you may well lose your children. Nothing would make him happier. When you are in a calmer place you could talk to your child and explain you told a lie to protect them but in fact the truth is……. perhaps group/family therapy would help x

[White Rose]

Hi shinebright it’s me the old nag again!
Going over, it reliving, it, talking it through; being triggered – it brings it all back like an avalanche of awful memories.
It must be so hard talking through what you went through yet again but the psychologist is there to help you make sense of it in terms of how it’s impacted on you not just physically but emotionally too.
Don’t be ashamed of your scars they are part of you but they don’t define you. They represent the fact you suffered but refused to give up on yourself or your children – look on them as the battle scars of a great female warrior! Try not to lie to your children about your self harm scars but explain you were sad and angry and it was your way of dealing with how you felt. Let them know sometimes people hurt themselves but tell them it’s better to talk about it and that’s why psychologist is helping you all. Do they remember the injuries he caused? If so the psychologist will guide you through explaining them.
You know that you are safe from him as he’s away elswhere and cant visit you – even if he knew where you were. Don’t even think about contacting him. Ever.
You are an amazingly strong woman – I personally think you must be one of the toughest wonen on here through everything you’ve achieved so hang on on there, plough on through the bad days, keep away from any sharp implements (told you I’d nag!) make sure you eat and sleep and most importantly believe in yourself and be proud of yourself.
You will be fine. I believe in you and am sending you an enormous woman to woman big soft fluffy cuddly tight squeeze of a hug x*x

[shine bright 2]

He has been given indefinite hospital order. Police brought my mail. One from children’s services saying he has been contacting kids school…from mental hospital! I can’t so this anymore.

[Ayanna]

Stay strong!
Speak firmly to the police that he is properly locked up and make sure the mental hospital knows that you are ready to complain and report them to the CQC if they fail to keep him locked up properly.
He shouldn’t be able to do what he did.
That means they do not restrict him enough and put you in danger.

[KIP.]

Hey, it just shows you were right to move and keep your children safe. Keep repeating ‘we are safe, I did the right thing’. Can you ask the police officer to go through your mail and remove anything he thinks may trigger you. He can keep these letters in his file for future evidence. And he can inform the hospital that your ex is still trying to harass you. You’re in the safest place possible. Well done you x

[shine bright 2]

Thamk you everyone. Your replies sometimes keep me going. Just a bad week. He has absolutely no way of tracking us down. It was just shocking to think that he is still trying.
Sometimes I feel really sorry for him. He did bad stuff, but he was I’ll. I feel sad tthat he won’t see his kids. Sometimes I think maybe its not his fault either. We were pushed into marrying and I wasn’t what he wanted…I dunno.
The police have my mail sent to them and bring it. I know Im Stupid to worry because he can’t get to us. But it gets to me mentally. Its like there is always something telling me that he is there still looking for us. When he raped me he knew I wouldn’t go to the police. He would bp I to me all the time after that. Taunting me. I guess its just a difficult week.

[KIP.]

Many people are mentally ill. It does not mean they abuse and torture the person they are meant to care about and protect. It was only his wife he did these things to. That’s a calculated domestic abuser. Please do not blame mental illness for this. Yes, just a bad week. I had one of them recently. Make a mental note of all the positive things you have to be grateful for. Next week will be better. Big hugs x

[shine bright 2]

Thanks all xx.
You are right KIP. Lots of positives and blessings to count.
I just got accepted to do some voluntary work which I’m nervous but excited for.

Not nagging white rose…maybe encouraging! Funny how things change..lots of people who I felt were telling me what to do/ nagging/ interfering are now the people I feel huge gratitude towards.

Just need to keep taking a few steps forward each day.

Love to all

[White Rose]

You sound so much better! So glad to hear the new positive shine bright showing herself again.
Really good news too about your voluntary work – remember baby steps, deep breaths, believe in yourself and remember we’re here when you need us xx

[anotherlife]

shine bright 2, you sound like an amazing woman just to have survived all that you have so far, never mind all the other things you’re feeling
No one deserves such treatment and it’s not your fault that your partner had such issues – you managed to carry on & look after your children without taking it out on him or them. You deserve peace and happiness and it will come.
The volunteering is such a good idea – helping others is good for the soul and will give you something else to focus on.
You’ve been so brave. Take one step (baby steps!) at a time and take comfort in the hugs you get from your kids and in the kind words of the lovely ladies on this forum x

[shine bright 2]

Thank you so much for all the kind words. Sometimes that’s just what I need. I’m really hoping that one day I can help other people too.
I talked to the police today and they have said that because I now have life time restraining order they are completely on it with monitoring what he is doing.. That made me feel a bit better. Such tiny steps forward at the moment but that’s OK.
Take care all…I appreciate u so much x

[Author]

Posts