What is this doing to the children?

[RainbowHope]

I need some advice on what my situation is doing to my children.

Over (detail removed by Moderator) ago, I told my husband our marriage was over. It was just before (detail removed by Moderator), so he suggested we waited until that was over so as not to ruin it for the children. I agreed. Since then, he will not allow me to tell the children anything. He expects us to play happy families. We rarely do anything as a family, as I can’t stand to be around him. He takes the kids away to stay with his family and I stay at home (the kids are told this is because I have to look after elderly relatives and pets). The longer the situation goes on, the more I am desperate to get out. We still share a bed but haven’t been intimate in years.

I have recently been thinking of getting a spare bed to put in our daughters room so I can sleep in her room. I have now suggested this to my husband and have absolutely hit a brick wall. Apparently I cannot do this, as he flat out refuses to indicate to the kids that our marriage is over. He insists our daughter needs her own room, it’s her right (never mind that our sons have to share a room). He is adamant that until the children have left home and have their own families we must continue living like this. The kids are between (detail removed by Moderator), so that isn’t happening anytime soon!

My question is, what effect is this having on our children? I tried explaining that we can’t continue like this as it’s affecting the kids, but when he questioned why, my mind went blank and all I could say was that they do not have the emotional security they need and deserve. I need to be able to try and make him see that this is affecting the kids much more than he thinks.

[Lisa]

Hi RainbowHope,

I’m glad you’ve felt able to post, although I’m sorry to read of the extremely difficult situation you’re having to live with.

It sounds like your husband is trying to use your children as his justification for staying in the relationship, the house and ultimately in some form of control. That doesn’t mean he is correct nor that it’s best for your children to do that; that is a decision for you to make when you feel able to.

As hard as it is to admit, living in an abusive environment of course negatively impacts children. Whilst I understand your desire to try to “make him see” – as you say in the last line of your post- attempting to do so is not an approach that works with an abusive person. Even if you did somehow manage to explain this particular issue to him it would not sort the problem, he will move the goalposts again- this is what abusive people do.

Instead I would encourage you to use your energy to try to get some support in place for yourself and your children, keep learning about abuse and focus on your plan for the future. Try to listen to your instinct about what you think is right for yourself and your children.

If you would like some more support please consider using our Live Chat service or contact your local domestic abuser service.

You might also find it helpful to read our page ‘Children and Young people’ for information about how to support your children through domestic abuse.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi RainbowHope

The first thing that struck me about your post was you saying that you couldn’t make him understand. One of the first things to do for your own sanity is to realise how important it is to let go of the sense that he has to understand you, or your reasoning, he doesn’t. Despite his refusal to accept its over, it is, regardless.

If he won’t speak to the children about this, then you will need to, in a way that keeps you all safe from any threat he poses. You can make your move without answering his demands for ‘explanations’, explanations that he will fight you over and argue with which will stop you from speaking again, but leave that aside and let go off it. Explain it to the children, and that he is stopping you from leaving even though its over, but it is over and that you will be moving into the bedroom with your daughter in the short-term, until better arrangements are made. I had this also, and I lived this pretence to others in the family and he took advantage of me over it. I tried to help, but in the end I couldn’t, and neither can you. You just need to do what is best for you and your children. He’s an adult and is respoonsible for himself, you have done all you can for him, more than enough.

Look out for you and your children. Your children will know things are wrong instinctively through body language and actions, but without anyone explaining it can be a confusing and anxious time for them. It will be easier once they understand why they feel this way. They mightn’t be consciously aware of it, but they will know inside, just like we do.

warmest wishes

ts

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