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I had a rather disturbed night last night, being woken to banging on downstairs windows. Today he has been out there a couple of times- I did open the door and was going to confront him but was just to scared. I know I should and need to report it, but for certain reasons to do with my job I cant – I don’t want to go into too much detail on here as it is to public. I just don’t know what to do, he has got me backed into a corner and he knows he has!
I keep telling myself that one day it will all be over.
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Your work do not have to know if you ring the police. Whatever you think his behaviour is escalating and you are in danger. Your safety is more important than your employment. Ring 999. They can catch him there and do something x remember he is putting you in a state of fear and distress. This is illegal x
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Porch roof was damaged last night, someone trying to get to bedroom window. Regards to my job, i have been told that may have to step down from my position if there is another police call out – this is so wrong and when I am strong enough I am going to try and make changes so this doesn’t happen to others. Spoke to helpline, option is moving and perhaps going into refuge. Why should I move, give up my career, when he should be stopped! So unfair.
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I can tell you that I stayed. I made a stand. I involved my MP. Don’t know who told you you could lose your job but they need to lose theirs. It wasn’t just my ex I fought it was the system too. Only you know how dangerous things are and how much energy you have to fight but I had a life where I lived and I was going nowhere. If you’re thinking of moving anyway then ring 999 and if you lose your job then at least you have your life. Trying to break in to your home is a huge escalation. He’s trying to break in for a reason. Ask for plain clothes officers to come out then no one needs to know x
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Why on earth should you lose your job because of a police call out over an offence, is this even legal to say this to you, if he has tried to get to your bedroom window you must report it, your safety comes before anything, fail to see how reporting a crime affects your job.
Why should you move its him that needs dealing with, can you not go to your local police station and tell them what is happening and the threat to your job, they may be able to keep an eye on your home tonight and catch him red handed and arrest him
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It’s complicated with my job, and I do need help to make people see that systems prevent vulnerable people from reporting and this does need to change. For tonight, my child is staying away to be safe and I am waiting and watching so I can get the evidence then I will be finally be able to put this behind me.
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Hi Benson,
Thinking of you. His main aim is to put you in fear and terrify you. That’s what bullies do. He’s laughing to himself at your fear and distress. However he would love it if you moved from fear to anger and confronted him. He wants a reaction. I’m glad you have 999 on speed dial. Let the police deal with him. You stay No Contact with him. It is an awful way to live but if he gets no reaction from you…eventually he will want an easier target that he can intimidate and put in fear. Let him persist in his bullying, putting in fear antics and show him you can resist his pursuit. Gavin de Becker has a good chapter on these types of men who refuse to let go in his book ‘The Gift of Fear’ chapter 8 called ‘Persistence, persistence, persistence’.
Keep posting. This is a horrible time for you. If its any comfort I will pray for you to stay safe tonight. Glad your little one is safe tonight.
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I have had a night away from home, away from the area, I slept and can’t believe how much better it made me feel, I haven’t slept for weeks now! However I am back home and have contacted local support services for help. I have been classed as very high risk and the response from the services was shocking! I contacted the services at the beginning of the week and today received a response to tell me they are very busy and won’t be able to contact me until next week. I am only asking for email contact! It made me feel like I am a burden on resources, I could be dead by next week!!! The fact that I am having to be separated from my child at night to keep them safe. I really do see why it is easier just to return to the relationship, at least then I would know what was coming as I could tell from his body language what type of mood he was in. Now I have know way of telling what is going to happen next.
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Their cruelty has no bounds. They will stoop to anything to take away our peace of mind and ennerve us. He is laughing to himself thinking about your reaction. Hopefully he will have got enough ‘thought fuel’ from his latest antic and he will be sleeping as sound as a baby, so he probably won’t try anything else tonight. His aim is to put you in fear. That’s a lot easier than carrying out the actual actions. To actual go ahead with what he is alleging he will do, he knows the police will be able to take away his freedom. The power of his threats (items he is getting delivered) is in the reactions of the person being threatened. Also this is his attempts to make contact with you. If he was delivering items through the door and you weren’t there to receive them or you someone else handled the items and didn’t let you know what they were, if you didn’t know about them then he would be rendered powerless to have an effect on him.
This is so much more difficult than the abuser’s sending emails, texts, etc. We can choose to block them, delete texts so their poisonous words don’t get into our heads and cause us fear. Your ex’s pattern is to post things through your door, get things delivered to you and mess around outside your house and scare you. We are powerless over others behaviours, you can’t change him, he’s going to continue to get his kicks this way. He is getting great enjoyment from your terror. Mine was the same, but in different ways. The only control you have is over your being there to receive his contact. If you weren’t there he could deliver things, post things, mess with your property and he would soon get tired of that and look for someone else to scare.
I’m just teasing this out for you. Maybe we can come up with a creative way to handle this. You could move temporarily. Could you maybe get a lodger? We will try focus on a solution. He is the problem but lets not focus on him and his behaviour. We have no power over that. The dynamic can change if you do something different, either not be in the space where he can access you, or get someone else to be with you in your space so when he makes his presence felt its not so scary. Maybe other ladies may have ideas.
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I really think regardless of the job you need to report this, how can you work if he hurts you or worse. I agree so many systems need to change, why on earth should you be penalised for being the victim of a crime, it is insane.
There also needs to be so much more funding for the support services, the fact that you are classed as very high risk yet they can’t see you immediately shows how crazy high their case loads are and is not acceptable on behalf of the government who should be funding these services properly. I agree it is crazy that we are expected to go into a refuge while they roam free, it should be the other way round with them locked up.
Make a note of all contact, times, details, save all evidence like things put through the letterbox. He keeps doing this because there is currently no one stopping him and he will be thriving off your fear. You don’t have to live like this, it is illegal.
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Benson,
This is unbelievable frightening for you. Have you contacted women aid and the police and also social work? The reasonam asking is this should be able to get a panic alarm for you to have and carry about with. I had one and it is gps controlled and have the highest police response. Also a Marak meeting should be held so all authorises meet to discuss you safety. I got new locks security lighting there is so much they can do and it sounds like you aren’t getting near enough help here. Phone everyone in your power and get every protection possible it’s the only way to make him stop and for you to feel safe. I got mine charged with stalking the PF gave him a non harressement order with power of arrest. He can’t come in my street and can’t contact communicate nothing or he breaks the order. Services are failing you here but you must shout from the roof top and be strong he’s stalking you and putting fear and alarm in you. That’s a serious charge. -
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If the helpline is busy, you can leave a voicemail with a time window when they can safely call you back. As Lisa says, please do speak to them. Your situation sounds very scary.
Also, did you know you can contact the court that issued the restraining order and ask them to vary the order to increase the distance from your home? You can write to them and ask for a hearing to consider your concerns xx
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Thank you for all your support. The police officer took it very seriously and suggested a refuge. I am not sure about this. I will ring the help line for advice again. Apparently it was going to MARAC this morning, I don’t know what this means- but hopefully will get the support for myself and my little one. Just got to get through another weekend, keeping us safe. I do want to move and create a new life somewhere else, somewhere where I can’t be found. Any advice on how I change my identity would be great. I have read that to change my little ones identity I have to have the fathers agreement- well that is not going to happen and then he might find out and I moving which will make things very dangerous.
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I was in a refuge and can tell you that it was the best thing I ever did. It felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders and it was a huge relief being away from him. It wasn’t all plain sailing because every woman who comes to refuge brings her own issues resulting from the DV, but we had fantastic support from the staff and overall it was a very positive experience. I went to a refuge several hundred miles away from where I was living.
The refuge referred me to a DV support project which I attended for several months and where I did the Recovery Toolkit course, and all of us in the refuge were fast tracked for specialist DV counselling.
The refuge strongly advised us to come off all social media while in there – we didn’t have to but they preferred it if we did. I changed my phone number. You can change your own name by deed poll – not sure how the law stands on changing your child’s name by deed poll, however I think you can all yourself what you like without a deed poll as long as you inform the relevant authorities.
There is a charity, I think it is called Palladin which assists people who are being stalked and I think in your case it could be a good idea to contact them.
Whoever is threatening you with the loss of your job if you involve the police is bullying you and it’s not acceptable. You have a fundamental human right to keep you and your child safe. Also, as you have a child it might be worth you asking social services for support under the circumstances, although as you have a MARAC coming up they could well be involved anyway.
I would certainly give consideration to a refuge. I came out of refuge a very different person from when I went in – in fact I felt a huge transformation in only a few short months.
Best of luck, Copperflame x
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Sorry I need a bit of a rant! This is the only place I can do it! My child and I had a very disturbed night last night, lots of banging on window and car alarm being set off. This evening whilst doing the bed time routine, more banging on the window and then I am positive they shouted ‘I will be back’ I was hoping that if I ignored all this they would get bored, but obviously not. Why can’t they leave me alone and get on with their lives? I am going to move, but I am trying to find the strength to disappear and start my life somewhere else. I have started to make plans, but in the meantime cannot put up with this.
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Keep reporting everything to the police Benson, this behaviour is stalking and harassment and is illegal. Keep a record of dates and times and what happened. Were you able to speak to the police about starting a new life somewhere, like a witness protection programme?
Or you could go in a refuge then move somewhere completely new. I really feel for you going through this, it sounds so incredibly stressful and scary. Don’t give up, keep fighting.
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Hi Benson,
Abusers weaken us so much with their behaviours that its so hard to remain strong and even have any energy to move or make changes to get away from them. I remember it well
Ok to maintain your strength, keep posting on here. As often as you need. That is essential. Your posts help someone else. So it helps you and helps others. Also ring Women’s Aid as much as you need after a bout of his behaviour such as banging the windows, scaring you with his words and being ever-present around you in the afternoon. He is being relentless with his behaviour hoping you will crack. He is applying pressure. Constant pressure applied to you that’s what abusers are like. I know that pressure is hard to bear. It makes one feel like ‘cracking-up’, that’s what he wants. Abusers love applying pressure. They do it in other ways too, sexually and they do it to get us to change our no’s to a yes. They bombard with texts. Pressure, pressure, pressure. Persistence, persistence, persistence. That’s normal abuser tactics. However you are human and without support (no family/neighbours) its very hard to deal with alone.
Also the friend where your child stayed for the night could you stay there on the couch just to get a night or two to gather your strength and get a good night’s sleep so you can plan to move. Or could you book into a cheap hotel. You can’t control his behaviour but you still have choices, lots of them. Even though he’s writing the script at the moment you still have choices.
Keep posting, stay strong. I will pray for you and your little one again tonight.
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Thanks again for all your wonderful messages of support- they keep me going. Once again I had a disturbed night, I was extremely frightened but managed to keep myself and my child safe. I have had a long chat with a support service today and now feel much more confident about reporting, as measures are now in place so it will not affect my job. Also I am now making small steps towards moving away, new start.
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Hi Benson,
That’s good news about your job.
These men are cowards and once they are getting charged and constantly arrested they will know you have the power to make this stop. It’s also very frightening for your child. In my experience I hoped it was going to stop but it didn’t and it escaulated. It has now only stopped because of the police and women aid and the marac meetings + social work. The police have a duty of care, every bang or sound I would phone them. You are in theory building up a strong case. 10 years they can’t get for stalking. Hope you have a better night tonight Xx
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Please report it. Even if you did forget to lock the porch, no one has the right to open your private mail. I’m not totally sure, but I think that opening someone’s mail may be a criminal offence in itself.
We’re human. We all forget to do things sometimes, especially if we’re in a rush. The police will be more concerned for your safety than whether you forgot to lock the door. Xx
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Yesterday, I was so proud of myself as I had the courage to take my little child to a cafe. We sat by the door and I had everything in place in my head in case he turned up. It was great, my little one loved it and I felt free for an hour! Today with my renewed confidence I thought it would be okay to go to the park. We walked there safely, however whilst there I noticed the car loitering. I decided to walk with my child home, we were followed, by his car. At one point he mounted the pavement and nearly knocked me down- the only thing that saved me was a close by alleyway which I ran to, luckily he didn’t get out of the car just laughed and drove off. Thank goodness my child was in a pushchair, otherwise she would of been knocked over.
There goes my confidence, my freedom!
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Had the police out this weekend as I had a rather terrifying incident with my ex- rather frustrated as there is still a lack of evidence!!!! This evening after late meeting at work, once again followed and nearly ran off the road! I am so looking forward to moving, just need to keep safe so that I make it. Don’t know where I am going to move to, but somewhere far away, where no one knows where I am.
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Hi Benson,
So sorry to hear of another incident. I understand it is frustrating but well done for reporting him to the police as it is building a log of incidents. If you would like to talk things through then remember the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) is there for you to call again.
Keep posting to us when you can to let us know how you are doing.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Sat here, wondering what to do (again!) I tried to protect me and my child and in the process think I have broken my finger, it’s incredibly painful and swollen. I knew this was going to be a tricky week, but didn’t think he would try to get into the house. I have also got a visit from SS tomorrow, this is very out of the blue, my child has not been on any kind of plan with them- I am really frightened.
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Hi Benson,
You really are going through hell at the moment. Unfortunately some abusers do the Malice campaign which he is relentlessly doing.
I think it may be a good thing that SS are visiting you tomorrow. Coping with abusers is too much for any of us on our own. I would tell them everything especially the latest where he is crossing serious boundaries by trying to get into your house. And he keeps trying to knock you and your little one down with his car. This is too much for you. Tell them all.
Keep posting here for support. I hope you get some sleep tonight and take the time tomorrow to get some medical care for your finger. I hoe its ok and not broken.
Please God SS can come up with a way of protecting you and your little one from your malicious and dangerous abuser.
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I had police call out today over an incident. They let it slip that he has two cars, so both the cars are his that have been following me! He thought he would be clever by using another car, but now I know! How devious are these men! The police also worried me by telling me how extremely dangerous he is, deep down I know, but hearing it from someone else is always hard to hear. I have had a few really low days, I hate the fact that this man still has control over me.
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