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Hi I’m new here. Been with my husband almost (detail removed by moderator) years. We have (detail removed by moderator) children together. Hes always been a bit controlling about finances but I’ve maintained my independence by always working. I put the issues with money down to the fact that his dad was a (detail removed by moderator). But then just recently out of nowhere, following an argument about him not helping out with the children on a day when I was feeling unwell, he pushed me (detail removed by moderator) out of the bathroom when I was trying to shower our kid. Our other (detail removed by moderator) kids witnessed this and he was in my face, poking my nose several times and being aggressive and intimidating. Although he didnt hurt me, I felt the strength behind his pushes and honestly I felt scared and helpless because I didn’t know what he would do next. I was just worried about my kids seeing all this. They were all crying, my youngest was clinging to my legs and my (detail removed by moderator) child was trying to placate him by giving him toys. Hes since apologised and I have told him he crossed the line and if anything like this happens again I will take my kids and leave. I witnessed some abuse when I was younger and I dont want to put my kids through that. Since then we have been wary around each other. I guess I just dont know what to do now. I was wondering if i was blowing this out of proportion but then I thought no, he physically abused me in front of our kids and its not right. I told my mum and she’s been really supportive but I don’t want to tell anyone else and I guess I just needed to share with others who have been through this. Does this mean he will do it again? Sorry if that’s a silly question. I’m just so confused.
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Yes he will absolutely do it again. He has shown you his true colours, please believe him. Log this assault with your GP and contact women’s aid. Keep a journal of his behaviour for evidence. You will need it. Women’s aid will guide you on a safe exit plan. Hes assaulted you, put you in a state of fear and distress, both illegal. He’s committed child abuse. By allowing the children to witness this. It’s child abuse. Child abuse leaves children very vulnerable to both further abuse and mental health issues. Time to gather your family, protect them and give them the best start in life you can. Ring the helpline number on here x
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Thank you for replying. I did try the number and couldn’t get through, but I will try again. I’m just so shocked having known him for so long and he has never done anything like this before. So why now? Even my mum said today no one would believe me (not in a horrible way) but he is just known for being a calm, chilled guy. I have always seen he has an angry, impatient side but it’s never been scary or specifically directed at me really. I feel like my life has changed over night. I just needed to make sure I’m not being dramatic about this. Because I keep flitting between thinking what he’s done is bad and then thinking its not that bad, he only pushed me and got in my face. But then I feel like no, I shouldn’t make excuses for him, what he did is unacceptable. He had a significant close bereavement last year and he also said he reacted the way he did because I had been shouting at him about the kids, which I accept I did and I would like to not react like that but I still don’t think that warranted his reaction. In that moment he seemed not to care about the kids and I. I just wonder if this is a big enough deal to break up my family over, or if I should just stay and if he does anything again, that would be it. Sorry if that sounds awful. I’m lost but your advice helped so thank you x
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Can you contact your local womens aid? Please speak to them. Yes you are making excuses for him. “He only pushed me and got in my face”. If someone did that to your daughter would you think it’s Okay? Would you ever behave that way? Lots of people have bereavement but don’t abuse their family. “I have always seen he has an angry side but not directed at you”. That’s not okay. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Being scared of your partner is a huge huge red flag. Nobody should ever live in fear in their own home from the one person who is supposed to protect them. Abuse always gets worse over time. The warning signs are there but you need help. Keep trying womens aid x
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I know it’s a lot to take in and it’s a huge decision so keep a secret journal of his behaviour. Anything that doesn’t sit right. Go back and write down anything he’s done in the past. In the cold light of day when you see it all written down it begins to paint a bigger picture. Your children need to feel safe and secure and in a loving nurturing environment. Take some deep breaths. I remember the shock and numbness of finally admitting I was being abused so be very kind to yourself. It’s not your fault x
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Thank you KIP. I guess I just wondered as his behaviour seems so out of the blue, could it just be a one off? I know its unlikely but maybe it could be. I’m sorry if that sounds ridiculous. Perhaps I am just trying to convince myself. I’m starting to think of little things that have bothered me. The punched wall he had in his room, which he said was when his ex had made him angry. He always said she was crazy. He used to be very jealous and I have seen him square up to other men. His own mum said to me that the way he talks to me is very controlling. But on the other hand hes been an amazing dad and husband. And I feel so confused. I almost feel like I’m making this up, looking for the bad. I have no idea if that makes any sense. We’ve been together so long, I feel if he really was an abuser wouldn’t I have realised it ages ago? Wouldn’t he have been physical ages ago? I’m sorry to keep going on and if this all sounds mad.
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It doesn’t sound mad at all. Google the cycle of abuse. All the things you mention are red flags and the fact that it’s all confusing is also a sign of abuse. Other people are noticing too. It took a long time for my ex to become physical because the emotional abuse and the threats of violence kept me in my place for so long. It was only when I refused to let him have his own way that he became violent. That’s why it’s dangerous to end a relationship with an abuser. Calling his ex crazy is another tactic so that if she tried to warn you of his behaviour he’s already painted this crazy picture of her in his mind. Punching walls, acting aggressive like a coiled spring, staring at you with rage are all designed to intimidate you. You will definitely need an outside perspective because abuse is insidious. We often don’t recognise the signs for a long time. It’s a kind of conditioning.
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