What words cut you the most?

[Bananaboat]

I try to let as much of his verbal abuse as possible wash over me now but I’m only human and some words really hurt. Calling me an irresponsible mum, a bad mum cuts the deepest and gets through my mental barriers leading to self doubt and tears. What about you guys, what words pierce through your armour the most?

[SingleMomSurvivor]

You’re right the words do hurt. I think being told I was a horrible mom and an unsafe person for our children to be around was one of the more hurtful things my ex said. I bust my butt to be an awesome mother to our kids, without any real help from him, and it just upsets me when he says that because I know he knows it isn’t true. It’s also upsetting when I find out he’s told someone that I’m crazy & mentally unstable.

[Dancer123]

I’ve recently been told that I’m poison and that I’m brainwashing my kids and that he feels sorry for them. When I literally do every little thing for them. Very upsetting

[SingleMomSurvivor]

It’s amazing how similar all these abusive men are. I was also told that he feels sorry for my children because they have me as a mother. I will never ever understand how someone could be so evil & get so much pleasure out of being cruel to another human.

[Bestchance07]

Hearing them say that you are mentally ill, saying that you know how to ‘play the system’ and basically making me out to be dishonest. And telling me that I am completely incapable of living without him!!

[Dancer123]

I have literally been thinking this all day, how do they think it’s ok to treat people like this and more so the mother of their children. And the thing is they seem to get off with it too. I always used to get ‘well I’ve never raised a hand to you’ like that made his abuse ok!

[nbumblebee]

Mine makes me look at photos from when i was a large lady tells me how sexy i was then how much he fancied me then and how now im nothing.
That hurts.

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily words. My ex was very good at ‘set ups’…

putting me in situations where he knew he could upset me a lot…and then others not knowing what he had done and therefore seeing my ‘upset’ as unreasonable.

He used to do this all the time and still does on occasion, though obvoiusly now I’m long out doesn’t get the chance.

But occasionally there is something I can’t avoid speakig to him about.

[Bananaboat]

Gosh I can relate to this, especially around his family x

[Judy]

Just the general put downs and saying I can’t do anything and I’m just average and depressing person. It’s hard to let these go

[Bananaboat]

Thanks all, as horrible as we’ve all had it, it’s nice to know you’re not alone. Every time I fed my kids today his words echoes round my head, it’s so cruel, I’m hoping my sense will knock his voice out of my head soon x

[SingleMomSurvivor]

I can relate. There was a time when every time I was about to do something nice or fun for my kids (like take them to the park etc) I would hear this really awful critical voice in my mind saying “What type of mum would do that?!” I was constantly criticizing myself in the same ways he used to criticize me. My therapist taught me that whenever I hear that critical voice I should immediately talk back to it & challenge it. So for example, in response to the critical thought “what type of mum would take her kids to the park in the middle of summer” I’d respond “the type of mom who wants her kids to get fresh air, sunshine & have fun.” The more I talked back to the critical thoughts the less they started to happen. The self criticism we engage in is really our abusers getting in our heads . They’re so good at that. I still deal with self criticism but it doesn’t drag me down as badly as it used to.

[Vanillastar]

Calling me a rat or attacking my weight or appearance x

[Anonymous]

Oh yes, perhpas favourite one was telling me I was ‘rubbish with money’

and it took me eight years plus and ten court hearings to get my divorce settlement out of him…

[Stuckinturmoil]

When he told me to get off his coat tails. Implying I was inferior to him. That really hurt.

[KIP.]

The way to dominate someone is to destroy their confidence. Please don’t take this personally, it’s just another very common tactic from abusive men. When we talk to these men and confide in them, they store that information away to use it against us. They know us well and go for the thing they know hurts most. Good riddance to bad rubbish

[SingleMomSurvivor]

This is so very true. Every single private thing I ever told him about my life he has used against me and shared with other people. Its so shocking to realize that during our relationship when I was confiding in him, he was really just putting on an act & pretending to care so he could collect ammunition to use against me. He truly is the most evil person I’ve ever known.

[Bananaboat]

Thank you ❤️ It’s intense at the mo because I’ve told him I don’t want to be together so today it’s all he’s taking my child away, how dare I expect him to pay bills whilst he’s still living here etc, usual rubbish but like I say sometimes no matter how strong you are one of those nasty remarks hits a nerve and sticks x

[Cedarlemon]

When he called me Hyper-sensitive , fat, lard Lardy , a gold digger (I have a full time job) and should never have been born – it was even worse when he was drunk or taken cocaine , but always said ‘you take it too seriously’!! If I happened to call him a drunk which he is/was he would sulk for days

[Bananaboat]

Oh yes this!!!! I have to leave the room when I can tell he’s taken cocaine or face abuse, same with drinking he even told me I have to accept his alcoholism because the world now accepts LGBTQIA’s, also if I call out his drinking this prompts really nasty bullying evenings then sulking. I also got told I was supposed to be happy he’d gone from spending around (detail removed by Moderator) a week (yes that’s right) in a certain pub to half that at another, this is more than he pays in bills…madness and now he’s begging for ‘one last chance’?!!

[Anonymous]

Another thing that might help is when they say something like that to you, actually they are saying it about themselves. It is amazing how much they project…

i.e. ‘you are rubbish with money’ in fact it is THEY who can’t manage money…

or

‘you take it too seriously’…actually it is THEY who…

[Cedarlemon]

Hi starting over again
Yes I completely agree , the projection/mirroring is exactly what he does. When I am working hard everyday he is sitting there drinking and gaming so how I am a gold digger goodness knows! He also called me a tart etc when he was having an affair so yes you are so right . Thank you x

[Headspin]

Ugh, there are so many that I would be here all night listing them. I think as others have said, it’s when your role as a mother is brought into question. It really hurts. My husband told me I was irresponsible for going to a mainstream church service with our adult son, who was really looking forward to it. His anger was off the Richter scale, it was unreal, he swore, shouted, threw things about, rang up members of our family and a health professional and gave a c**k and bull story about why we were going. He managed to convince everyone that I was irresponsible. I had phone calls from my daughters yelling at me too. I was on my knees with stress, I thought I was going mad, my son too was in bits. He told everyone that I was telling my son he could be cured of an illness at church, such lies, I would never ever have said or implied such a thing. So his lies made me look horribly irresponsible.
I was told I was irresponsible and thoughtless many times, either with the children or financially. Thankfully I know now that I am the opposite, but when you’re in the middle of abuse and he’s lined up his soldiers by lying to them, that’s when it hurts so badly.

[Darknessallaround]

There have been so many over the years it’s hard to pick one or two out. Telling me what I want isn’t important. That my opinion doesn’t count. That I’m crazy, I need locking up. That I should kill myself if I feel that bad.

[Hereforhelp]

What affected me the most was him telling me that I control everything, that I am abusive, that people who love me outside of our home/family Don’t know the real me like he does (I started to question myself and loose myself) that I treat him terribly which made me try harder!. Being told I was useless also really hurt and confused me as in truth, i was over doing everything to keep him happy (until I realised that nothing I did would make him happy, I am not responsible for his happiness)

[Bananaboat]

Yes, those ones that make you really self doubt, it’s one thing to worry about what he thinks but taking it wider is another. Mine used to tell me all his mates and family hated me, weirdly I didn’t mind this, I don’t care for them much anyway – got to smile at the small things 🙂

[nbumblebee]

I need to add a new one. (Detail removed by moderator) he told me he was bored of me. That hurt. X

[Bananaboat]

That’s a low one, and worse because it’s like ‘let me go then’ but he won’t. We’re definitely not bored of you and you’re on a positive journey xx

[Mime]

There are so many its hard to name just one. The ones that come back to me are –

You’re wierd – What’s wrong with you?

You’re hysterical / mad / crazy / obsessed.

You’re deformed / a freak.

I’m scared of you, I don’t know what you’ll do next (he’s not scared of me. With him I’m meek. I’m nearly always submissive)

Its hard to write these things, because I think, what if people read them and believe his version of me. Because I’ve heard these things so many times I start to believe them.

[Author]

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