When does it end?

[Prettyflowers]

It has been a few months now since I completely ended things with my seriously emotional abusive boyfriend but I still find myself thinking about him every minute of every day. He is so vile towards me and all he ever does is accuse me of doing things that aren’t true with other men and he obsesses over what I am doing with my life and who I am with even now. I have blocked him on everything but he still makes fake emails or accounts up to message me. Today he sent me (detail removed by Moderator) different accusations and then the abuse followed even with wishing I would die (detail removed by Moderator) then following it with a sorry and how much he is in love with me and can’t bare me being with anyone else. I Have done nothing wrong to deserve it all. Although I don’t want to I feel stil in love with him and am feeling so low with constantly thinking about him even though I will never go back and I don’t even want him. Can anyone give advice on how long I can expect to feel this? I am trying to move on and am finally going on dates and stuff again but he is always there in my head no matter what

[Relieved]

Hi Prettyflowers, love the name. Have you had counselling or read up on abuse? I found arming myself with the knowledge of the tactics these men use helped me to put things in perspective and also will hopefully prevent you from hooking up with another abuser. Read Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven, google the power and control wheel, also look at http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/. There’s lots of info out there. Keep posting and reading posts too – the support of this group is invaluable going forward xx

[KIP.]

Depending on the length of the relationship, mine was decades, its taken me three years to be able to think rationally and trust my instincts. I thought about him every single day for well over and year and even now because i am still involved with legal stuff i find him living in my head rent free. The quickest way to recovery is no contact. This will probably mean involving the police and getting them to give him a warning. Google trauma bonding. Its probably this that you are feeling. Be very careful with new relationships and youre still very vulnerable. Womens aid recommend two hears after an abusive relationship before you start dating. Personally i dont think that is long enough. We need to spend time on ourselves. Being comfortable with our own company. Regaining self esteem and confidence. There is no rush, dont put pressure on yourself. Baby steps x

[SunshineRainflower]

I second what Relieved and Kip have said! I experienced the exact same thing with my ex harassing me after I ended it and also the constantly thinking about him despite knowing he’s dangerous and not wanting to be with him. The harassment stopped when I went to the police and reported him thank goodness. It is only since then I feel the healing has begun, because he was still getting into my head with his messages before that. Save all call and message logs, print all emails and keep everything he sends then document times and dates and bring it all as evidence to show the police, this is what I did and they issued him with a warning.

You’re experiencing trauma bonding/stockholm syndrome which is very common, I’m in a similar timescale to you. The other ladies say that the bonds lessen over time with self care, therapy, a support network.

I also think it’s best to take some more time to heal before dating again especially as you’re still traumatised by him. The main reason is that in our vulnerable states we can be easy prey to other abusers, the last thing on earth that we need. Once we are healthy again, know the red flags and have established maintaining boundaries then we will be in a better place to date.

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