When it’s calm

[Chocolatebunnie]

Weekly calls from support practitioner I’m finding this week it’s calmer.

But I’m also feeling I’m wasting peoples time, and pulled between the abuse and low moments, then the calm better times. It’s like I’m an ostrich burrowing it’s head in the sand.

I know from past it won’t last, it’s not even perfect now with strange jokes (detail removed by moderator), the moments when he talks down to me it’s nothing really, it said so fast passes quickly you might not notice and it a joke (but not funny!) you can’t rebuild yourself easily with this behaviour towards you.

I now see through it and now pull him up on it when he’s knocking my fragile confidence. He shifts it back to me, (detail removed by moderator) He’s always the injure party or the attacked one. He’s same with the kids.

Will my support worker be bored and think I’m over sensitive or see through it? I wanted to leave, now I’m unsure but I know I should, for my kids! But I keep thinking of him and this is where I’m stuck and scared it’ll never change.

Can anyone relate to this, is this where people let go of the support is it normal and part of the process?

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Chocolatebunnie,
The back and forth of feelings that you have is understandable
The doubt you have about thinking you are wasting peoples time is also understandable, and this is related to your self worth and you thinking that you are not worth anyone’s time
It is great that you have a support worker, but you have to support yourself aswell, her alone will not fix your situation or move you forward, this has to come from you
He will always be the way he is, making jokes, putting you down … so you are the one who has to change, to change things. And you have to do this not only for you but for your kids.
You have to show them the way and be a strong women role model
Start to work on yourself more. Every opportunity you can, plough some self care into yourself. Say nice words to yourself, create a strong motivating mantra to go round and round in your head, have gratitude for the good things in your life
When you become strong you will start to see his weaknesses. You will realise he makes the jokes because he is insecure, not you
It will empower you … this is something you have to practice daily, and once you become empowered it will give you the strength to see that you deserve more than he is giving you and it will give you the strength to leave
It can be done my darling
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey, Yes I can relate.
Ive been in a calm period for a month now i am stepling on eggshells everyday just so i dont rock the boat make him blow up.
I almost believe that I am a fraud that i made it all up. Do you know what I do? I re read my posts on here, I remember how scared he makes me feel how he thretens me forces me to do things i dont want to and not aow me to do things id like too, I remind myself that this is his gane and he sees me changing maybe he is scared worried that he is losing control which is why its quiet is it because im not telling him what i do what i am doing anymore? I dont know but like you I still have digs so small they could go un noticed but i hear them and i see them.
You know deep down this is just part of his gane dont ever ever doubt yourself.
Use this calm to look after yourself.
Ive brought some (detail removed by moderator) crystals and im reading about positivity I am trying so hard to start to like myself a little, doing things for me just little things today I went and got a coffee and just sat alone quiet and sat. No thinking no crying no stress I just sat. It was heaven. Tiny little things sweetie.
I am now off to write some positive points some positive thoughts ideas feelings whilst wearing my new (detail removed by moderator) i brought with my money from my job I got on my own despite him every day trying to stop me. I know the calm wont last I know i will have to fight time and time again like you but whilst its calm use it to plan to work on you because you deserve it. Xxxxx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you Darcy and nbumblebee you both understand and it great to have your feedback.

Darcy I’ve read some of your other replies and posts on here and love how you’ve found a place in yourself and how you project that to others x

nbumblebee Having read some of your posts, I feel our marriages maybe quite similar and relate to a lot of what you go through x

I am able to talk to one of my eldest children who feels the cycles and hates the calm as much as the abuse as they feel it’s such a nervous time, it’s bitter sweet that I can talk to them about it and we both just know and can support each other but alit if damage has been done.

My support person is lovely and even when I felt as I did she was able to still get through to ne and explained things much as you have.

Self esteem is a huge part of what has been taken away. So has self care, I look in the mirror and wonder where I have gone, I’ve not been allowed to relax, sleep let things go without the eggshell feeling popping into play.

X*x

[shelleybelle]

As Darcy and nbumblebee have said this is a pattern that is experienced in many abusive relationships, no one is always bad they have times of being nice, kind and loving.

I have just had my month of calm and today the storm has began to blow again. It can be hard to imagine during these periods of calm that that person can be so mean or aggressive and it makes you doubt and blame yourself, maybe it’s not his fault, maybe your behaviour makes him abuse you?!

A hate the calm as much as I hate the storm because I know there will always be another storm on its way but as the others have said try and use this time to engage in positive things for you no matter how big or small. Use the time to engage with your support to make plans towards leaving your abuser when the time feels right and when you doubt yourself reflect on your logs written here or photos/notes you have made about your abuse to remind yourself that you deserve the support your support is giving you and that he is the abuser not you x

[searchingforhope]

Hi Chocolatebunnie

I totally relate to what you have said. I have those doubts too, as much as I love when he’s staying away from me and not communicating much, I’m also on edge as I know he will get irritated and come back on put it all on me that if I don’t want the marriage just end it. But its so hard to find the strength. But if I’m make him so miserable, he could just leave.
The calm times do make me question myself, is it really that bad, is abuse really there? But my social worker also advised me to think of the bad things then when I doubt myself. That helps me in not thinking I’m losing my mind.
The advice above is so relevant. Try and do little things for you. This is something I was only thinking about this morning. My self-worth and self-esteem is so low. I can read all the other posts here and feel such sorrow for everyone stuck in these situations and send love and advise, but we need to send more love to ourselves.
I guess that is the only way we will get stronger.
You do deserve the support and it feels at times going round in circles or being on a rollercoaster. But I still have hope I will get through this. You will too.

Take care of yourself, sending love x*x

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