When my Son sees his paternal family.

[chios123]

Every time my Son visits his Father and his Paternal Family he comes home and says things that make me feel like a piece of c**p.
It sounds awful, he is only repeating things that have been said and I’m not cross at him but he just goes on and on and I’m barely hanging on as it is. He hates going, causes nothing but stress before he leaves and then he comes home and makes me feel like c**p.
I am sitting up at 1 in the morning and all I can think about is how disgusting and awful I am.
Will it never end, the joy of him being removed from our home and the trauma of court was just the beginning of the end.

[Lisa]

Hi chios123,

Thank you for sharing with us about what you are going through, it sounds really distressing for you. I hope posting has helped to offload to others who understand about how difficult things can be with child contact. Unfortunately it is common for abusive people to use tactics to try to maintain the control, it can be really difficult and exhausting to deal with. You are not disgusting or awful- try not to doubt yourself or to believe his words- you deserve to be treated with respect.

Do you have any support in place? It is a lot to deal with by yourself. Local domestic abuse services can offer ongoing emotional and practical support. Details of local services can be find via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

You could also chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day until 6pm). They won’t tell you what to do, but they can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Keep posting when you are able to, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Lifebegins]

Hi Chios123

I just saw your post had to respond as I can totally relate.

Firstly you are not disgusting or awful at all. You are a brave and amazing woman who has successfully discarded and left their abuser – an inexcusable crime in your ex’s eyes. Well done you. 💪

Now you have to deal with the aftermath of leaving and post separation abuse via your child, which is not something that gets a lot of discussion I think.

I had exactly the same. I used to feel sick to my stomach picking my child up after a visit as I’d be thinking what has been said about me this time to cause a problem/make my child feel bad/say abuse against me didnt happen/I was a liar etc. And that was both my ex and his paternal family. It’s disgraceful as they were looking after a young child but bad mouthing me was more important to them than my child’s welfare.

I can’t say that it has been easy to overcome. I had counselling with WA and was talking it through with them each time and how best to handle the situation. Lisa made some good suggestions for support for you which I think would be very helpful.

As my child was getting older they started to see their dad’s abusive behaviour for themselves and unfortunately be at the receiving end. This has resulted in them not wanting direct contact which I support. Life has been a lot easier since. They subsequently told me in full all the dreadful things that was being said to them from day 1 of visits and that they think their dad’s aim was just to abuse me through them as he knew they would tell me. What a sick individual. But I don’t know if that was the sole aim as I think abusers also want to get everyone inside and believing their narrative too.

I don’t know what arrangements you have in place – mine were always voluntary – but if my ex would try and force contact now I’d say no and go via the court. I spent ages pandering to him and putting up with bad behaviour to keep the peace and child contact going and all the while my child was being subjected to emotional abuse and sadly, in the end, physical abuse.

He/his family will never change but what you have is the power to change is your reaction to him/them. Take advice for yourself. Mine has been that I can refuse contact if there is risk to safety and/or wellbeing of child. Dependent on child’s age too, their wishes and feelings may be relevant. Keep a journal of everything. Most of all, get support on how to talk to your child about this so you can support them.

What id like to leave you with is that my relationship now with my child is at its best ever. We talk about everything, don’t always see eye to eye mind you, but they know I’m there for them 100% good or bad. Just keep on being the fab mother you’re being and it will come right.

Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Author]

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