When they have mental illness

[starqueen]

I’ve been struggling with something for a while. I’ve thought that my dad’s behaviour towards me was abusive, and had several people confirm it, but I’m finding it hard when I read about people choosing to be abusive. He had a number of mental and physical health problems and often said when he lost his temper, threw things, swore at me and accused me of leaving him on his own when I’d Tried to get him help, that it was due to his mental health issues. He’s been aggressive and quite vindictive towards lots of people, including me. He has also tried to emotionally blackmail me and has gaslighted me before about comments he’s mate that have upset me, telling me I got it wrong and behaving as if I was the one who hurt him by misrepresenting him. He’s also tried to dictate little things that I do when I was in his house visiting. Because he did have these issues, is the aggression still abusive? I’m not sure whether he was in control of himself and I keep reading that they always are. I feel like I’m doubting whether what I went through was really abuse, but then if it wasn’t then what do I do and where do I turn to? How do I make sense of having lived in fear of him and feeling controlled by him?

[fizzylem]

Hi SQ, mental health is never an excuse for abuse, there are plenty of people struggling with mental health difficulties who are not abusive hey.

The problem with these type of men is that they do not have the abilty to ‘reflect on your feelings’, nor take on ‘personal responsibilty’. We are all responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions – to imply a person is out of control, this I can accept, but what I struggle with here is that this somehow makes him not devoid of responsibility – because he is the responsible party here yes? His life, his choices, his actions – his responsibilty, he is an adult yes? If he isn’t responsible here then who is? You? Definately NOT, not yours – which he is trying to get you to feel here.

We ca use mental health issues to help us to understand yes – but that is all – and that is where it ends – it does excuse.

You know your truth, do not seek validation for your own experience from an abuser – they are not credible witnesses. Lots of stuff on youtube for you to look into to help you with the understanding you seek x

[starqueen]

Thank you fizzylem. There was a lot of me feeling responsible for caring for my family and so I think I get that confused sometimes. It’s hard when you feel like you’ve got to modify what you do in order to make sure everyone else is okay, but I’m slowly realising that others are responsible for themselves and can make different choices, it’s not just about what I’m doing or not doing. I definitely needed that about not getting validation from him, because that’s never going to come. It’s a slow road to learn to trust yourself but it’s what I need to do. I’ve got a few books and I’ll look on YouTube too.

[maddog]

You describe abuse. My dad was an appalling father to live with. It was terrifying to grow up in a household full of rage and fear. It is damaging.

It is a dreadful to experience parenting at a young age a dysfunctional adult. Our brains start misfiring and making inaccurate connections.

Please remember that your dad’s behaviour is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to change it.

My dad has always had had mental health issues during my lifetime. He still has them. For now at least the difference is that since I have sorted out a few of mine, if and when my dad kicks off, I don’t take it personally and there are now people I can tell, who weren’t there for me when I was growing up.

[starqueen]

Thank you maddog, it’s good to know it’s not just me misinterpreting things. I’m not sure how much of his behaviour was abusive when I was younger as it really escalated in the last few years when hi as health got worse. His temper got worse and it became impossible to even express a dissenting opinion without an argument. The controlling behaviour and emotional blackmail got worse too, until I just ended up going no contact. There were a few things when I was younger, like I wasn’t allowed to shorten my name because he didn’t like it, he would make supposedly jokey comments about my grades. I just generally most of the time thought the atmosphere in the house was better when he wasn’t there. Eventually with things like what I called myself etc he would come around and change but by then the damage was done because I just ended up feeling like he was still judging me.

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