When will I have no feelings towards him?

[orchid7]

When will I have no feelings towards him?

Been out well over a year, but still comparing everyone to him, still missing him, still think I wont’t find anyone better (although this is nonsense because I don’t think I could find anyone worse!) but I still feel the opposite. Still lots of emotions there towards him.

Anyone got to a place where they feeling nothing at all? Is that possible?

Just remember after a non-abusive relationship I was heartbroken but after 6 months I felt nothing and was over it!

But this feels different, feels like I won’t ever get to that place and it will go on forever. Sick of doing loads of work to remember the bad and be happy with my new life, and it doesn’t seem to get rid of it.

Any insight ladies xx

[Llgirl]

Been out of my relationship not even 6 months and I just wanted to say I think it’s totally normal. Because of the trauma bond and the nature of the relationship (they are the centre of the universe to us, put our needs second) it takes time to heal. I’m trying to figure out what I like to eat, how I like to do things, don’t know how long you were with your partner but if you imagine the years of trauma, it won’t just go away after a year maybe two. And I’m sure if you could remove the abuse you would, I think if my partner wasn’t abusive then I’d still be with him. It’s hard to grieve and let go, there’s no him without the abuse. But just be kind to yourself and know that whether it takes 1,2,3,4 years, you’ve done the safest and bravest thing in leaving, and I hope for myself too that eventually it will all fade away. I think back to when I was there truly there, and I had a tight chest from feeling anxious all the time, the good times were in between lots of abuse and actually people aren’t perfect but you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you and doesn’t just want power and control over you,

When I feel like I’m missing him, I read my notes where I’ve jotted down some of the abuse that happened, read screenshots, watch any videos or photos of them not taking an interest or missing key stuff because they were so self involved.

Sending hugs

Xx

[orchid7]

Hey thank you for taking the time to reply xx I’ve looked over some bad stuff that I wrote down and I feel better. suppose I have made progress, I can listen to songs now that remind me of him, where as 6 months ago it would’ve broken me. Think where there’s still emotion there I think it’s not going, but if I compare to last year it’s a lot less x thank you x hugs to you too xx

[Llgirl]

Amazing podcast on Spotify – domestic abuse recovery journal x

[orchid7]

Oo thank you I’ll have a listen x

[terribleheadspace]

Heya
Struggling with this a bit recently also. I’ve come to the realisation though that I don’t miss him, I miss his mask, the person he would portray himself to be on occasions and the person I had thought my future was going to be with. That was never him, which is why it goes round in cycles they can only pretend for so long. When you think of good times… how good were they? I found that actually my good days were good for the level of abuse BUT abusive and controlling behaviours were still present. To the point of knowing now that if I ever was dating someone who mirrored a ‘good’ day with my abuser I would wave him goodbye straight away. Think we get grounded down so much that eventually for me anyway I would get such a high by being given crumbs that I never realised they were crumbs does that make sense.

I agree with what’s written above it’s helpful to remind yourself that the person who you had a connection with was also the person who abused you they are both the same person. That was a HUGE hurdle for me. Lastly for me I’ve come to realise relationships about control are not love, I certainly felt such a strong connection but to him when I look closely I was an object for him to use, which was fine until I didnt fit his mold (human), then even after that I would get gaslighted and blamed for things I knew absolutely nothing about.
honestly I think be kind to yourself. One thing that’s helped me massively is thinking from the outside….’if my best friend was going through all the things I did what would I say to her’ that keeps me strong, why do we deserve any less than what we would do for others.

[orchid7]

Hey thank you for your reply x yep that makes a lot of sense … begging for crumbs sums it up unfortunately doesn’t it 🙁 and yes I relate to that, being an object, all shiny and new at first then gradually I was a piece of rubbish he didn’t want x thank you for the reminder xx

[Camel]

Everyone’s experience will be different. Personally, I never missed my ex or had any lingering good feelings about the relationship or him. I did spend a whole lot of time and energy stewing over the abuse though, same as you. Eventually I simply refused to give him any more space in my head. I think there comes a point when dissecting the past becomes damaging. We have to allow ourselves to move on.

[orchid7]

Hey Camel thanks for your reply xx I like that, fed up of allowing him that space in my head xx

[Stormie]

Hey
I see it this way, if I kicked my dog a lot, every day, few times a day and then occasionally I don’t kick the dog … Dog thinks I am nice, even more occasionally when Im in public i treat the dog like a queen . Dog will love me more and take the kicks for those rare moments, then said dog learns that this is how life is and when dog is rehomed, dog misses me… Because in the worst and darkest times I was kind to dog, dog forgets I was the darkness and the mean and unkind.

Ladies, I’ve lived it for (detail removed by moderator) and I still think he loves me … W*f… No he doesn’t, nobody in the world treats someone they love like this x*x

Strength to you all xx

[orchid7]

Hi Stormie thanks for your reply, that’s a good analogy 🙁 that’s it, it’s like when things were really really bad (because of him) he would bring out nice him again. Like getting a bit of a drug. I miss that, but forget that he was the cause of it anyway xx strength to u too xx

[Hiya@]

Phew I thought it was just me, I miss my ex so much. It’s taking so much courage and strength not to just pack up my tiny bag ( I left with nothing) and go home to my beautiful house, that I have to sell to get him out of my life.
I know if I went back ( again, I have been here before) he would be so lovely for maybe one month or two or six , I might even get a year but then I would again be the weak one, the fat lazy ugly one , my glasses would be smashed, I would be asking permission to phone my family.. so yes remind yourself everyday . As Selfesteam sings .. it was really rather miserable trying to love you.
In moments of weakness I remember I have years of trauma bonding to break free from.
Stay strong x

[orchid7]

Hello I appreciate your message xx yep that nice them would come back but wouldn’t be long before the real them showed up. Keep strong too you can have a lovely home on your own one day or with someone pure and nice in the future! Without all the bad bad misery that they infect us with x x thank you x

[tryingtosleep]

I struggle with this too. I don’t know if it’s a trauma bond or what. Most of the time I’m pretty angry with the way he treated me. He was emotionally and sexually abusive. He’s an alcoholic.

But the moment I get a bit of kindness or just a reasonable and gentle message not a drunk and angry one I question myself. Do I really want to lose him? Am I doing the right thing? I yearn for the life we could have had – and did occasionally have when things were going ok.
It wasn’t all bad – and I’m going to be so much poorer on my own!

It feels so much easier when he’s being vile to me because I know how to deal with that.

[orchid7]

Hi tryingtosleep, thank you for your message. It’s been a while since I originally posted this and I feel a lot better. I call it ‘coming back to the light’, it’s weird I can see things clearly now and I don’t feel so strongly drawn to him. It happens every now and again that I start to miss him etc., then once I write on here and do some work on this it goes. I think its the trauma bond and having the rose tints on… I think reaching out and solely focusing on the bad helps to see it more clearly, don’t think about any of the nice stuff, ignore it and anything nice they do or any love you feel put it purely down to manipulation and abuse tactics, don’t need to analyse it anymore than that, because that’s all the good stuff is. Done a lot of journalling since this post, just writing out all the bad things and the psychology behind abuse, like the way we feel isn’t love, it’s science, its cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding, chemicals (like addiction), we’re basically having withdrawals when we miss them xx that’s helped me out of that little rut since I posted xx one day I’m hoping it will go completely x being honest, I used to write things out like that every single night when I first left for about 6 months, now I have to do it every month or 2, so it is getting less xx @shoes123 may be useful for you too xx

[Shoes123]

Hi, I am really struggling to progress with separation as I love him so much and not even sure if it is abuse. now I have agreed to get a divorce he wont leave and now saying lets give it another go. the reason I have never left over the last 15 years is because I love him with all of my heart, i dont know why i just do.

[tryingtosleep]

@shoes123
Have you tried writing everything down and then rereading it – when you’re struggling with decision making? X

[minimeerkat]

@shoes123 have just read your post. tryingtosleep is right with writing things down (as well as talking about it) to make some sense of what you are feeling etc. i dont know the reason but it must be something big or a lot of big stuff for you to consider divorce – whatever this was do you truly believe in your heart it wont happen again? one thing ive read in many places is that the minute an abusive person is losing power & control they become the person you fell in love with in the early days. not because its a genuine change on their part but to only get back in that position of being powerful & in control again. it is only natural that it makes you confused, because this is going to be the person you want ‘full time’ & not just a temporarily. i think the worst thing also is an abusive person can sense how much you love them & will use this to their advantage. ive also read that its easy to confuse a deep love with the trauma bond – do you think you are trauma bonded to him at all, because this could certainly be affecting your thoughts. these are just things to think about thats all. only you know in your heart what the right thing for you to do is. just take your time & dont rush anything whichever way you decide to go. sending you the biggest hug x

[StrongLife]

It took a while for me. Now all I feel is fear of him finding me again. It takes a while especially if there is court. I remember a couple a yrs and I was looking at other men at the time.

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