When will i just learn?

[nbumblebee]

Another week over. Another week of being ignored then shouted at then used for sex then belittled.
Its been a rough ride this week.
He has been fowl he says he hates work life his health I tell him only he can change ask him what he wants he says not me yet still I stay. I laugh it off.
Hes not spoken to me much last few weeks yet tonight I get a (removed by moderator) make an effort he moans about the food shouts at me for (removed by moderator) even though all i brought was with him and his needs in mind. And then he said he feels unwanted as i keep turning him down for sex.
So im sat feeling guilty.
My counsellor told me today that i had to sit up wake up and face that its abuse it is abuse if i cant accept it she fears i wont be able to heal. I fear if I carry on much longer he will put me in an early grave. Im so stressed so on edge so sad all the time all the time. I tried to tell my bestf started off but then she says oh i know my hubby bla bla bla and just goes on as if this is normal I couldnt carry on couldnt get my words out she wont understand after all they are friends too.
I want more than anything to be positive to love life that smile i paint on i want it to feel real but nothing makes me happy here im always on edge not supported always thinking of what he would say what he would do if….
Qhen will i learn and stop denying this when will I just say enough im done f**k off?
Im scared really scared but (removed by moderator) I am going to sit him down try and talk to him ask him why he hates me working having a life how that means i dont love him explain to him that surely me being happy should make him happy not so angry. I need to try one last time to see if all this is me is in my head see if he is willing to accept see maybe even change.
I see you shaking your heads i know the answer already but I need to do this for me.

[Footballfan1]

Hi Nbumblebee,

I honestly feel for you.
I can hear your frustration, hurt and pain.
Unfortunately your husband won’t hear that.
I don’t know what it is they hear, but I know it is not reason or sense they hear or offer.

They don’t change, I honestly believe that.
I’m quite an amount of time out of my relationship, he is still a complete nightmare.
He is the victim in all this apparently.
I am pure evil. I am sabotaging his life.

He doesn’t grasp that I loved him, and will always love him.
It b****y hurts.
I stopped him seeing the kids because he’s dangerous and unhinged.
He has lost everything but he refuses to wake up and see its because of his actions.
We could have coparented if he were reasonable, but it’s not in them to be reasonable or open to hear our opinions.
I honestly don’t know what the answer is Nbumblebee.
We can’t understand why they can’t understand us.
Xx

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely. I won’t tell you what you already know about trying to talk to him, he won’t listen but I know you need to do this. It’s like we need to give everything, try everything, forgive everything before our hearts and minds go ‘enough now’, it’s like you need to do all that before you give yourself permission to accept you’re unhappy and there’s another option. He’s conditioned you over the years to accept and not challenge, and like you’ve found with your friend people who haven’t lived like us just don’t get it.

Stay safe when you have the talk and remember its actions not words that count. Good luck xx

[nbumblebee]

Thanks for the support ladies. So we talked.
He told me how he hates not knowing where I am all the time he says im off having sex with others as i dont want him. I explained that im working and a husband should support a wife be happy for her but he ignored this just kept bringing it round to sex. I explained that he is in control of his life if he is unhappy in his work i would support him if he wanted a change learn a new skill. He again brought it back to sex. Says he feels un wanted un loved cause we only (detail removed by moderator) that we used to have fun. By this he means i used to HAVE to dress up if kids needed anything if i needed money Id have to do what he asked. He misses this I certainly dont. I tried to explain in life we change ive changed yes and im happier he says he doesnt like it and maybe its not work hes unhappy with its me. I tried.
Then as usual I backed down and we had sex. (detail removed by moderator) he is happy again but just constantly touching me and talking about sex again moaning about me working again, its like the talk didnt happen.
I tried I really tried.

[Footballfan1]

They are a brick wall.
They don’t listen.
They don’t understand.
He is obsessed with you and it shows in the way needs to know where you are, constantly bringing everything back to sex again.
My ex became obsessed with sex, its a form of control over us.
He pushed me to do things I wasn’t comfortable and said I must be getting it elsewhere because I wasn’t enjoying it with him.
It is abusive.
There is no talking to them.
He will make out he is the victim.
Xx

[nbumblebee]

Stupid thing is I know. But whats frustrating is Theres some of me that believed he may listen to what I had to say I tried to talk about how I felt about sex im middle aged im in pain i hate the skin im in I dont want sex with anyone but he didnt want to listen it was all turned back to him but then I think thats what i was trying to do I was trying to explain my point of view as he was. I see it from his point of view more than my own I feel his pain more than my own.
I said to my counsellor that I cant accept it as abuse as he doesnt lkck me in the house he doesnt actually stop me from working or going out what he does is make life so hard so horrible that I choose not too do these things its my choice so how can it be abuse? She says its mind games he scares me i live in fear because of his rage of his actions his words when i dont do what he says its control its conditioning and im so used to it I cant see it. She said the label of abuse belongs to the abuser not to me not to us, I dont need to wear that label because im not in the wrong its not my fault.
Those words hit me and has made me think really hard.
We are off away I am hoping to find some peace some alone time to think this through. I was hoping our chat last night would help prove my counsellor wrong but I fear ive proved her right.
Time will tell I guess. Xxxx

[Bananaboat]

What happens the day you accept its abuse?

I wonder if not seeing it as such is a safety mechanism in itself. We e definitely all done that!! xx

Don’t forget he knows you, knows how much carrot to dangle to keep you where he wants, my ex did similar with being sad about life or work, or sex. But it’s just words to get what they want – like giving in to sex, it’s such a hard place as you want to believe it can be good

[nbumblebee]

I feel so bad so guilty he is always touching me wanting me constantly and i never want him I feel like its me whos in the wrong that I always deny him push him away and I do but because he is only nice when he wants sex and is so nasty when i say no.
Not knowing not having any other relationship is this normal? This is why i doubt the abuse word I just cant believe i am not to blame. That somehow this must be my fault. Its so hard isnt it?

[Footballfan1]

If you didn’t listen to him and did things he didn’t like, he might lock you in or get physical.

He’s exerting his power and control over you.
As long as you do as he wishes, it will stay at that.
If you start thinking for yourself and doing things against his wishes, that’s when it escalates.
You already see bits of this when he smashes things up, shouts, get angry
He’s doing those things to frighten you into submission.

I was at a similar stage to you for years, then suddenly it got physical
I stayed a bit longer, think I was in shock and denial.
Those last few months were really stressful, worse than ever.
He knew he had lost me mentally and he was dangerous, unpredictable, I was really scared for mine and the children’s safety.
X

[nbumblebee]

He has been physical a few times especially sexually.
And yes its getting worse the more i say no the worse his rages get. I see the softer side so very little now.
Thank you so much for sharing your story xxxx

[Weemebreeze]

Trust your gut. That feeling deep inside that doesn’t go away, the niggling feeling and heaviness in your heart that something isn’t right and that this isn’t happiness. Think of the times before him when you felt safe, think of what you want your future to be like, think of what you’d advise a dear friend if she were in your shoes. Be your own best friend. Xx

[tiredofitall]

I haven’t been on here for a while but I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you were getting on. I’m sorry its still so awful. I had quite a few years of being criticised about sex, he convinced me there was something wrong with me and that must be why I didn’t want it. But the truth is my body knew what my head was denying – that he wasn’t someone I trusted to be vulnerable with.
Over the many years, it’s been proven that the things I shared during the good times are stored and used against me in the bad times. So I stopped sharing.
And I spent so much of my life trying to solve his issues, changing myself to make life easier for him, letting go of my dreams so I wouldn’t be disappointed with my actual life, getting counselling so I could learn to not react to his moods! And I couldn’t end it until I felt I’d tried everything.
But now I have and we are making steps to a new future. My children are so different without him here. We all are. And I will be happy on my own without sex for the rest of my life rather than stuck in the relationship that was sucking the life out of me.
I really really hope you find peace. You deserve it x

[Better-days]

I am in a very similar position regarding sex. Iv got to the stage where I don’t love him but it’s just fear stopping me I don’t even want to try fix anything iv spent too long. The thing is he says I used to be fun in the bedroom yes I did but every time he hurts me a little bit of love respect dignity breaks away and now years on iv nothing inside emptying when he touches me I hold me breath n feel sick but that didn’t happen overnight years just a tiny bit at a time now that can’t be fixed how can it possibly. I hope u are ok I understand how u feel. X

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